This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!
(I work in for a directory enquiries company, and if a customer is calling from a cellular phone, I can text them the number requested free of charge.)
Me: “[Directory Enquiries], what number please?”
Customer: “I called a few minutes ago and your useless colleague said he’d text me a number and he didn’t. I’d like a
Me: “I’m terribly sorry about that, ma’am, could you tell me the number you were looking for so I can find it first of all?”
(The customer tells me the business.)
Me: “Actually, ma’am, it was myself that you spoke to a few minutes ago, and I did text you the number.”
Customer: “Well I didn’t get it. There must be a problem with your system! Give me a refund!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t offer refunds on the text service as it’s free of charge. I have just sent it again, so you should receive two texts now.”
Customer: “Well give me a refund for the call then! This is unacceptable! Your system is screwed!”
Me: “We have received no other complaints regarding the text service today, so I would suggest that you make a call to your service provider as it sounds like there’s traffic congestion on your network.”
Customer: “Traffic congestion? But I’m not even driving!”
Customer: "What sort of fuel economy does this one have?"
Me: "Sir, you’re in the wrong lot. That’s another customer’s car."
Customer: "So this one’s reserved? What about the blue one over there?"
Me: "You need to go back to the front of the building. These are all the cars that other customers drove here in."
Customer: "Wait, what? So I can just drive them?"
Me: "No. You can test drive a specific unit of each of our models, but these cars belong to other people."
Customer: "So you’re just going to deprive me of everything? Fine! I’m leaving!"
(He kicks another car on the way out.)
Customer: "Wait… f***! That’s mine!”
(A truck driver walks up to desk and stares at wall behind me.)
Me: “Can…I help you?”
Driver: “Yeaaaaa…” *waits ten seconds, looks behind him, looks back at me, waits another 5 seconds* “I don’t have my shipment numbers.”
Me: “Well, where are they?”
Driver: “They’re in the truck.”
Me: “They’re in the truck?”
Me: “So you left the truck with the numbers inside, walked all the way through the property, and up to my desk to tell me you left the numbers in the truck?”
Driver: “Yeaaaaaaa.” *stares at the wall again*
Me: “You want to go get them?”
Driver: “Get what?”
Me: “Are you filming this?”
Customer: “I’d like to ask someone about my watches. It’s not working right. I think it’s broken.”
Me: “Oh. Yes, the second hand doesn’t seem to be moving much. The battery is probably dying.”
Customer: “But my husband bought this for me!”
Me: “Well, we don’t sell batteries here, but I–”
Customer: “He just bought it here!”
Me: “Do you see another one like it in the display?”
Customer: “No! But I’ve only been wearing it for a month or two!”
Me: “It does look like it’s the battery because the hands are still moving, just not moving on time. It would be unusual for our batteries to die that soon. Do you have the original receipt?
Customer: “Why would I have that? He bought it 3 or 4 years ago!
Me: “Oh. If he bought the watch 3 or 4 years ago, then it probably is the battery.”
Customer: “But I’ve only been wearing it for a month or two!”
Me: “If it was purchased several years ago, the battery has been running for several years.”
Customer: “But why would it run when I’m not wearing it?!”
(Our laser tag equipment works on radio waves. The laser is only there to see the general area you’re aiming for. Two customers approach me.)
Customer #1: “Will these blind you if you get shot in the eye?”
Me: “No ma’am. It’s a very low powered beam. It is a bit disconcerting when you get tagged in the eye, but that’s just your eye adjusting suddenly to the bright light in the darkness.”
Customer #1: “Are you sure it won’t hurt your eyes?”
Me: “Yes ma’am, to do any damage at all you would have to stare down the barrel and shoot yourself in the eye repeatedly.”
(Customer #2 immediately looks into the barrel and holds down the trigger.)