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  • September Theme Of The Month: Overheard!

    Category: Extra Stupid

    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    Check And Mate

    | Huntsville, AL, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. My name is [Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I ordered my pizza, like, an hour ago. It’s still not here.”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am. May I have your phone number so I can check your order?”

    Customer: “Yeah. It’s [number]. Look, I’m really upset about this. My family is hungry. I expect you to send my order out immediately. I expect not to have to pay for it since it’s been over an hour.”

    (At this point, my driver has walked in. It is a slow night. He is the only driver I have working. I put the customer on hold.)

    Me: “Hey, man. Are you getting back from that run out to [customer’s street]?”

    Driver: “Yeah, why?”

    Me: “They’re on hold right now. They’re saying you never delivered their pizza.”

    Driver: *rolls his eyes and reaches into his pocket* “Here’s the check they paid me with.”

    (I get back on the phone with the customer. I verify her name, address, and phone number before confronting her.)

    Me: “Ma’am. My driver just returned and handed me a check. It has your information on it and is written for the amount of your order. I also note that you didn’t even tip my driver.”

    Customer: *long silence* “YOUR DRIVER IS LYING! I DON’T KNOW HOW HE GOT MY CHECK, BUT HE NEVER DELIVERED MY FOOD. I WANT IT NOW!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. I’m afraid I can’t do that. Here’s the number to our corporate office if you’d like to call them about this.”

    (As the customer hangs up, I hear her shouting to someone on her end of the line.)

    Customer: “WHO’S THE IDIOT WHO PAID FOR THE PIZZA WITH A CHECK?!”

    You Say Milk, I Say Epinephrine

    | Portland, ME, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I work in a fairly well known coffee shop chain. A woman comes up to the bar to pick up her drink.)

    Me: “[Name], your venti iced no whip mocha.”

    Customer: “Excuse me! Does that have milk in it?”

    Me: “The iced mocha?”

    Customer: “Yes. That’s what I ordered: iced mocha coffee, no whip.”

    Me: “Yes. It’s made with milk by default.”

    Customer: “WELL, I DIDN’T WANT IT MADE WITH MILK! I AM HIGHLY ALLERGIC!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. Let me remake that for you. So, you’d like iced coffee with mocha syrup and no whip?”

    Customer: “Whatever. Fine. Yes. Mocha coffee iced with no whip.”

    (I remake her drink rather quickly.)

    Me: “Here you are. Sorry about that. Let me take that other one.”

    Customer: “If it’s okay– I know you’re gonna dump it; I was hoping I could have it.”

    Me: *confused* “Okay. That’s fine.”

    Customer: *puts a straw in both* “Yum! These are both great! Thanks!”

    Related:
    You Say Tomato, I Say Epinephrine
    You Say Potato, I Say Epinephrine

    The Price Is Right, The Customer Is Not

    | Denver, CO, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Money

    (It is Thanksgiving. A customer comes up to the register with a mountain of ads from other stores, since we offer price match. She puts three turkeys on the belt.)

    Customer: “Hi. [Competitor Store] has turkeys for 87 cents a pound. Can you match it?”

    (Our price is 79 cents a pound.)

    Me: “Oh, ma’am. No need to price match; ours is cheaper.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not. I see the prices and [Competitor Store] prices are much cheaper.”

    Me: “Honestly, ma’am, they are indeed cheaper.”

    Customer: “Please humor me. Honor your policy and give me the price I want!”

    (At this point I shrug my shoulders and comply.)

    Me: “Alright. Your total is $47.90.”

    Customer: “See! Much cheaper.”

    (The customer puts the turkeys in her cart and walk away. About twenty minutes later, I’m helping the customer service desk. The same woman from earlier comes in line looking clearly upset. I open my register. Since she is next in line, she comes to me.)

    Customer: “You cheated me! You gave me [Competitor Store] price when you knew your stores prices were cheaper!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if I remember correctly, I tried telling you our price. You insisted on getting [Competitor Store] prices. Knowing that the customer is always right, I did as you wished.”

    (The customer turns bright red and starts yelling.)

    Customer: “In this case the customer was wrong! Now give me your price.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Once meat leaves the store, we can no longer return it, nor change the price you received.”

    (The customer screams. She takes her three turkeys and runs off.)

    A Rather Surprising Problem To Address

    | OH, USA | Extra Stupid

    Me: “May I please have your address?”

    Customer: *confused* “Is that… on my bill somewhere?”

    Me: “It’s usually on the front of your house.”

    Snakes Like To Vegetate After A Meal

    | Gladstone, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I have several exotic pets. I buy feeder mice and fish for my snakes and turtles once per week. Two other customers come in with their little poodles.)

    Customer #1: “We need to get new collars and leashes for our girls. These are getting dirty.”

    Customer #2: “They must have rhinestones on them, and be pink or purple.”

    Employee #1: *points* “They are right there, ladies. Let me know if you need help reaching the ones on the top.”

    Customer #1: “I’m not going over there! You have nasty lizards over there! No, you just bring all the little pink ones over here and we’ll look at them.”

    Employee #2: “You want her to carry over probably 40 leashes and collars when you could just go look at them yourself?”

    Customer #2: “Are you deaf!? We aren’t going anywhere near there with our babies Those nasty lizards might eat them.”

    (The ‘lizard’ they are talking about is in fact a 14 ft Burmese python, which is about 20 ft away from that wall in a large glass tank.)

    Employee #1: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I need to stay at the register and the other employee is putting up our new order of fish. You’ll have to pick out the one you want.”

    (In a huff, Customer #1 leaves her dog with her friend and goes over and pulls off 10-15 leashes, knocking probably 30 more onto the floor. She throws them all on the counter before rifling through them. They then spend the next 30 minutes trying every single one on BOTH dogs before deciding on the ones they like. They leave the extras lying on the counter. Then they get in line behind another woman with a small plastic animal box with mice in it.)

    Customer #2: “Ew, who would want a mouse for a pet! That’s so nasty!”

    Employee: “While we do sell mice for pets, these are feeder mice, miss.”

    Customer #1: “What the h*** does that mean? Feeder? What is she feeding them?”

    Customer #3: “No, I’m not feeding them anything. I’m feeding them to my snake when I get home.”

    Customer #2: “You’re so cruel! How can you do that! Why would you keep a nasty snake for a pet and then feed it mice!? Why don’t you let the thing go, or feed it pellets or something? They have all kinds of pellets over there!”

    Employee #2: “Snakes don’t usually eat pellet food. Some eat sausage made from ground up meat, but those pellets are mostly plant matter.”

    Customer #1: “So feed them that. Why can’t they eat vegetables?”

    Customer #2: “Yeah. They should be vegetarians like our puppies here. They only eat [Brand] kibble.”

    Me: “Er… you know [Brand] dog food has meat in it, right? I mean, it’s probably got more meat in it than a lot of other dog foods.”

    Customer #1: “NO. It does NOT have meat in it! We only buy the kind that has venison in it!”

    Employee #2: “Venison is meat, ma’am. It’s made from deer.”

    Customer #2: “You’re so stupid. It’s not deer; it’s venison. All vegetable dog food!”

    Employee #1: “Okay. Well, I’ll just ring up those collars for you.”

    Customer #2: “So you need to get a vegetarian diet for those snakes or just let them go. Killing mice for them is just wrong.”

    Me: “Snakes are not herbivores. They eat meat. They have to. Meat, bugs, eggs, you know, protein. You can’t just throw a carrot in there and expect them to eat it.”

    Customer #1: “I never said they were dinosaurs! I know that they’ve only been around like 300 years or something. Like, when President Lincoln was around they discovered them. But it doesn’t matter. They shouldn’t eat meat. You need to fix that. And this store should not allow people to buy them for food. I’m going to start a petition!”

    Me: “Who in the h*** are you going to petition to make snakes vegetarians? God?!”

    (Customer #2 gasps and clings her dog to her, covering HER DOG’S ears.)

    Customer #2: “Oh, you are going straight to Hell for talking like that. I can’t even be in here.”

    (Customer #2 gestures to her poodle.)

    Customer #2: “Come on, Porsche!”

    Customer #1: “We’re going straight to the health department for this and making sure everyone knows you’re satanic devil worshipers!”

    (They both storm out, leaving the leashes.)

    Me: “Well, that was a wonderful way to start out a Monday. Let me know if the health department shuts you down for being satanic devil worshipers who feed mice to vegetarian snakes.”

    Employee #2: “Yep! I’ll give you a call about it!”

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