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    Category: Extra Stupid

    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    You’re Just Ants-ing For Trouble

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (Note: when people start our service, they sometimes see more bugs in the first week because the chemicals agitate them before they die. We usually get a lot of calls from first time customers freaking out about this, so we have recently asked the techs to explain this to customers so we get less calls.)

    Me: “Pest control, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m very concerned. I just started with you and I don’t have any ants.”

    Me: “Well, that’s a good thing. That means its working.”

    Customer: “But I was told I would see more ants after the treatment! I don’t see any! This is horrible!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have our techs tell all our customers that because sometimes they do. If you don’t, that’s okay, too. Actually, that’s a REALLY good thing.”

    Customer: “But I don’t see any ants! I don’t know what to do!”

    Me: “I’m not sure that I can help, because you don’t seem to have a problem.”

    Customer: “I DO have a problem! NO ANTS!”

    Self-Fooling Prophecy

    | Oslo, Norway | Extra Stupid, Money

    (I am a customer consultant. We sometimes get people on the phone who have been called by the debt collection company due to unpaid invoices.)

    Me: “This is [company]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “How dare you send my invoice to the debt collection company!”

    Me: “That is unfortunate. May I have your invoice number, please? Perhaps we have the wrong address on file.”

    Customer: “It’s [invoice number]. After you sent me three reminders, you have suddenly sent it to the debt collection company! I want to cancel my services immediately!”

    Me: “Wait, you HAVE received the reminders we’ve sent you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I did. I threw them away.”

    Me: “And why did you never call us when you received the reminders?”

    Customer: “I thought you would stop sending me reminders.”

    Me: “You thought the unpaid invoice would just magically disappear if you threw away the invoice reminders?”

    Customer: “Yes, Of course!”

    Related:
    Self-Discarding Prophecy

    Water You, Dense

    , | Michigan, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Math & Science, Top

    (I’m working the front counter. A customer comes inside carrying one of our large cups of soda. She pushes past several other customers who are waiting in line and slams the cup down onto the counter.)

    Customer: “I just came through the drive-thru and they f***ed up my order yet again! It’s not that hard, so I don’t know why you idiots can’t handle it.”

    Me: “Sorry about that. What were you missing?”

    Customer: “Nothing! It’s my drink! I ordered a large Diet Coke with the ice on the bottom.”

    (She rips the lid off of the cup. As one would expect from any soda currently obeying the laws of physics, the ice is floating on the top.)

    Customer: “What does that look like to you?!”

    Me: “Well, it looks like the ice is floating on the top.”

    Customer: “Exactly! You’re going to dump this out and remake it, with the ice on the bottom this time!”

    Me: “I’m not sure that’s possible. Ice floats, ma’am. I can’t make it stay on the bottom of the cup.”

    Customer: “What are you talking about? Just put the ice in the bottom of the cup.”

    Me: “But when I fill it with soda, the ice is going to float up to the top anyway. It’s just how it works.”

    Customer: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Just make it work.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, maybe I’m just not understanding you. If you could just show me over at the self-serve drink station, I can tell everyone else how to do it properly next time.”

    (The customer storms over to the station and empties her cup. She proceeds to fill the cup with ice, casting me smug looks over her shoulder, and then dispenses soda into the cup. When it is full, she looks down at the cup in disbelief. The customer dumps out her soda and makes another attempt. After three or four tries, she finally caps the cup again and walks out of the store, avoiding eye contact with me.)

    Taxing Faxing, Part 10

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work at a hotel, which often requires that paperwork be sent to us to verify credit cards and the like. On this particular occasion I am working with a customer whose assistant is out of town and she clearly has no idea what she is doing. Having sent me the wrong paperwork, I call her back.)

    Me: “Ma’am? It appears that we have received the wrong paperwork, so if you could just fax the correct one we will be able to get everything set up for you.”

    Customer: “Okay, but can you just fax that back to me, then?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “Those papers! If they’re wrong, I need them back. Send them back to me!”

    Me: “Uh… ma’am, that might be a bit redundant, but I’d be more than happy to destroy the copy—”

    Customer: “ARE YOU STUPID? DON’T DESTROY THEM! THAT’S THE ONLY COPY I HAVE! JUST FAX THEM BACK!”

    (It dawns on me that this customer thinks that her fax machine actually manages to somehow transport the entire paper through her machine to mine.)

    Me: “Ma’am, the fax machine sends me a copy of the documents. If you check your fax machine, you will clearly see the paperwork still laying there. It doesn’t take your original.”

    (I hear a frustrated sigh as she slams the phone, and then muttering and shuffling as she goes through her office. After a minute, she comes back to her phone.)

    Customer: “…sorry.” *hangs up quickly*

    Related:
    Taxing Faxing, Part 9
    Taxing Faxing, Part 8
    Taxing Faxing, Part 7
    Taxing Faxing, Part 6
    Taxing Faxing, Part 5
    Taxing Faxing, Part 4
    Taxing Faxing, Part 3
    Taxing Faxing, Part 2
    Taxing Faxing

    He Knows He’s Full Of Malar-Key

    | NY, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

    (I work in customer relations for a major utility. A landlord is upset that we haven’t gotten a meter read prior to transferring service into his name.)

    Me: “I see we have a key on file, but it appears it stopped working a few months ago.”

    Customer: *very irate* “Well, I don’t know why that would have happened. I think your meter reader was just being lazy and didn’t feel like doing his job!”

    Me: “Sir, did you by any chance change the locks on your building?”

    Customer: *nervous stammering* “N-no… I did not.”

    Me: “Usually, the key stops working only because the locks are changed or broken. Did your tenant change the locks by chance?”

    Customer: “No, I’m the only one that changes the locks on my building! That tenant was evicted, and I had to change the locks to keep them from stealing from me!”

    Me: “So, you DID change the locks, then?”

    Customer: “Er… um… well, why wasn’t I notified that the key was no longer working?!”

    Me: “So, you wanted us to notify you that YOU changed the locks on your own building?”

    Customer: “I’m so F***ING sick of your company!” *click*


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