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    Category: Extra Stupid

    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    Good Men Are Rare

    | Cambridge, England, UK | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top

    (I am a waitress at a high end chain of worldwide hotels. It is an extremely busy dinner shift. I am serving an obviously rich man, with who appears to be with a new girlfriend.)

    Me: “Good evening, sir, madam. Are you ready to order?”

    Male Customer: *showing off* “I want a steak, and I want it how the animals eat it. None of this namby-pamby cookery stuff. Just cave-man style, you know?” *he indicates the woman* “Oh, and just fetch her a salad, or something equally low-calorie. I don’t want her all bloated, if you know what I mean!?” *laughs in a creepy way*

    Me: “Erm, okay, sir. So, one blue steak and a house salad.”

    Male Customer: “That’s what I said wasn’t it? God, do they employ idiots here? And fetch me a bottle of your really good champagne; not the cheap stuff you give to the general public.”

    (I have already realized by this point he is going to be a painful customer, and feel sympathetic to his girlfriend, who is clearly embarrassed. I return with the steak and salad, and after his first mouthful I can hear him shouting across the restaurant).

    Male Customer: “Are you trying to kill me? Give me Mad Cow disease?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. What appears to be the problem?”

    Male Customer: “My steak is bleeding! And cold in the middle! You’re trying to make me ill, and then charge me a ridiculous amount for it!”

    Me: “That is a blue steak. Simply lightly seared on the outside, whilst mainly raw in the middle ‘like the animals would have it.’ I assure you it’s perfectly fine to eat!”

    Customer: “I am a human being, not a dog! My food needs to be cooked! I will take you to court if I get food poisoning!

    (Luckily at this point my manager steps in to calm him down, as he is talking about suing the hotel. Later in the bar, I serve the girlfriend who is now alone. She thanks me for opening her eyes to what a jerk he is and tips me £20, and buys me a drink!)

    Before Black Friday Comes Brainless Thursday

    | Long Island, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Holidays

    (Our store is open on Thanksgiving, and I’m one of the unlucky few scheduled to work. This means I don’t get to go to the traditional feast. Nobody is happy, and the store is mostly dead. We have more or less the same exchange with the few customers who come in.)

    Customer #1: “Dear, you shouldn’t be working on Thanksgiving! Do you get to see your family at all today?”

    Me: “No, we close too late. But it’s not really that bad in the end.”

    Customer #2: “That’s still awful. You girls should all be home eating and enjoying yourselves!”

    Customer #1: “It’s shameful they make you come out and miss a holiday just for money and greed.”

    Customer #2: “I know! Why in the world would anybody be open on Thanksgiving?”

    (At this point I am bored, depressed, tired, as well as hungry.)

    Me: “If people like you did not insist on shopping today, we wouldn’t be open. Everyone would be at home where they wish they were.”

    (Surprisingly I was not fired, or even written up. The manager was just as annoyed at having to work as I was!)

    Too Much Information For Too Little Intelligence

    | Canada | Extra Stupid, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    Customer: “I saw a paper shredder on your website saying it’s 50 bucks off for your Black Friday sale. Is that true?”

    Me: “Probably… let’s check the flyer.”

    (I look, but can’t see it in the flyer anywhere.)

    Me: “Was it possibly an online-only sale that you saw?”

    Customer: “No, it said online and in store, Friday only!”

    Me: “Okay, let me check the website, then. I don’t see it in the flyer for some reason.”

    (I look it up and see that it is in fact advertised on our website, from Friday-Tuesday.)

    Me: “I’m not sure why it wasn’t in our flyer, but yes, there is a paper shredder for 50 dollars off for the Black Friday sale. The sale starts on Friday, but for this item, it will still be on sale until Tuesday. I would still come in on Friday though, just in case, because they might sell out on the first day.”

    Customer: “Ugh! Is it on sale on Friday, or not!?”

    Me: “Umm, yes. It goes on sale on Friday and stays on sale until Tuesday.”

    Customer: “So, it’s on sale on Friday?”

    Me: “…Yes.”

    Name Changer Is A Game Changer

    | Bellevue, NE, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Language & Words

    (I work for a nationwide retail company. We do not price match or accept coupons from other stores. The company name is very similar to another company of the same type, and people often get them confused. I ring up a customer’s items and total the sale before she hands me a page of coupons from a similar company’s ad flyer.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but these coupons are from [other company].”

    Customer: “Well, what is this?”

    (I look down at my apron, which displays my company’s logo.)

    Me: “This is [company name].”

    Customer: *angrily* “Well, it says [other company] out on the sign!”

    (I points to the sign by the street, which is visible from where we are standing.)

    Me: “No, ma’am, I assure you that this is [company name].”

    Customer: *shoves coupons back in her purse* “You guys should change your name!”

    Don’t Feed It Rock, Paper, Scissors Or Spock

    | OR, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Time

    (A customer comes in and explains that her daughter caught a lizard. People frequently come in for advice on their wild-caught animals, so I start explaining what proper care would be. Before this, she expressed general shock at several things, including having to provide heat and light for the lizard she wanted to shut in the dark of her garage.)

    Me: “And so you’ll want to primarily give them crickets and mealworms, occasionally waxworms.”

    Customer: “I see… And are green crickets okay too?”

    Me: “Er, that sounds like a grasshopper. I’m sure it would be fine; I’m not entirely sure how they compare with crickets.”

    Customer: “But if I catch them outside, I can use them?”

    Me: “I wouldn’t recommend it, you’re taking a risk that they could have sprays and toxins on them. Ours are only 10 cents each. I think it—”

    Customer: “So, how do I catch crickets?”

    Me: *pause* “I’m not entirely sure. I don’t know anyone who catches their own crickets from the wild. It would be much easier to just buy them.”

    Customer: “Well, how about if I just feed it dog food?”

    Me: “No. I would definitely not recommend you feed dog food to a lizard. They really should be eating crickets, at least, and mealworms.”

    Customer: “So, how long do they live without food?”

    Me: “Um. I would guess no longer than a week or so.”

    Customer: “So, when should I let it go if I can’t feed it?”

    Me: “If you can’t feed it, I would let it go immediately.”

    Customer: “But I want to try and catch crickets. How long should I wait? Like, when is the lizard’s expiration date?”

    Me: “I wouldn’t go for more than a couple of days without feeding it.”

    Customer: “But when should I let it go?”

    Me: “A couple of days.”

    Customer: “But what date is that?”

    Me: “The 15th.”

    Customer: “So, you’re telling me I can only wait a day, then I have to let it go?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Okay, thank you!”

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