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    Category: Extra Stupid

    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    In Need Of A Four-Letter Word

    | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Funny Names, Money

    Customer: “I forgot my account number; can you look it up?”

    Me: “Sure. Just tell me how to spell your last name.”

    Customer: *gives me a five-letter name*

    Me: “I’m sorry; it’s not working. Are you sure it’s spelled [spells out loud]?”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s right.”

    Me: “I’m sorry; still nothing’s coming up. Are you certain you have an account here?”

    Customer: “Yes, I just made a deposit yesterday!”

    Me: “I’m sure it’s just something simple; perhaps I’ve spelled your name wrong. Can I see your ID?”

    (The customer hands me their ID, at which point I see that the last name is nine letters long.)

    Me: “You’ve only been giving me the first five letters of your last name.”

    Customer: “What, you need my whole name?”

    Scanning Ahead

    | Helsinki, Finland | Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a second-hand store that mainly sells games and consoles, but also some computers and computer accessories. A customer is standing near the scanners, so I go to help him.)

    Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a copier.”

    Me: “Unfortunately we don’t carry those.”

    Customer: “What about these?”

    Me: “Those are scanners.”

    Customer: “You can make copies with those?”

    Me: “In a way, yes. You can scan an image, print it and you’ll have a copy. It’s an okay method if you only need a few copies once in a while. For big volumes it’s not really that great unless you have a really good printer.”

    Customer: “I don’t have a printer.”

    Me: “Well a scanner won’t be a good solution as a copier then, unless you buy a printer also. We don’t carry printers unfortunately, since used printers are very unreliable.”

    Customer: “That is just stupid! What is the point of this copy machine if you need other machines with it also?”

    Me: “That is a scanner. Its purpose is to convert documents and images to a form that a computer can—”

    Customer: “Wait! Why are you talking about computers? I don’t have a computer and I don’t want one! I see what you’re doing. You just want to make me buy useless stuff I don’t need!”

    Me: “I can assure you—”

    Customer: “You can assure me of nothing! I’ll take that one.”

    (The customer points to the cheapest scanner, smiling smugly.)

    Me: “You will have absolutely no use for that without a computer. And I must point out that we are not required to give refunds on functioning products. You really should not buy that.”

    Customer: “I’ll take it!”

    (The customer grabs the scanner and walks towards the check out. I follow him, and before the cashier rings him through I stop him for a moment.)

    Me: “Sir, again I advise you not to buy the scanner, and again I’m informing you we will not be taking it back unless it’s broken. It’s a lot of extra work for taking back functioning products. We need to do some paperwork and test the product again before reselling it. So please, for all our sakes, don’t buy it.”

    Customer: “Here’s the money!”

    (The customer pays and leaves. I put a notice in our system not to take the scanner back unless it’s really broken. A few days later, I’m called from the office to the cash registers, and there he is; the same customer.)

    Customer: “This here piece of s*** you sold me doesn’t work! I want my money back.”

    Me: “How is it broken?”

    Customer: “Completely! It doesn’t do anything!”

    Me: “So I won’t be able to scan anything with it?”

    Customer: “No you won’t!”

    (We have a testing computer set up on the buy-in counter. I go through the process of hooking up the scanner while the customer watches. With a pen I write something on a blank paper, scan it and print out the scan. I hand the two papers to the customer. It says “No refund” on both papers.)

    Me: “Seems to be working fine.”

    (The customer grabs the scanner and storms out. We watch him as he throws the scanner to the pavement and shatters it, jumps into his car, and speeds off.)

    About To Get Charged For No Charge

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (My boss is helping a customer who is looking for a battery for his digital camera.)

    Boss: “That will be $59.99 plus tax.”

    Customer: “What! That’s crazy! I’ve only had this camera for a week, and the battery is already dead. Are you telling me I’m going to have to spend $60 every time it dies?”

    Boss: “Only a week? The battery might be defective. How long did you leave it on the charger?”

    Customer: “Charger? Um…”

    (The customer grabs his ‘dead’ battery, and heads for the door.)

    Customer: “I was never here.”

    (My boss manages to wait until the customer is out of the store before cracking up.)

    Bottle, Bottle, On The Wall, Who Is The Dumbest Of Them All

    | Huddersfield, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (A customer half staggers inside.)

    Customer: “Excuse me mate, where are ya’ beers?”

    (I indicate to the left of the till where our alcohol aisle is. I suspect that he might already be intoxicated. I tell him where the alcohol section is, but keep a close eye on him. The customer wanders slowly up the aisle, inspecting our cans and bottles of cheap alcohol. He makes it all the way to the end before stopping. There, he proceeds to stand, facing into the corner, as if he is taking a leak. I get out from behind the till and approach him.)

    Me: “Are you alright?”

    (The customer jumps, startled, and turns to face me. His eyes are bloodshot, yet he doesn’t smell of alcohol.)

    Customer: “Oh yeah! I’m glad you’re here. You see, I want to get these beers here.”

    (He points to some beers that he can see on the top shelf in the corner. He paws, like a cat at the glass separating him from the beers.)

    Customer: “I can’t get to ‘em. So, I was wondering if you could just go in the back, go around, and get ‘em for me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You want me to get… those beers?”

    Customer: “Yeah! That’s the ones. So, like, if you could just… go around and get them.”

    (I stare at him blankly for a couple of seconds, then decide to release the customer of his misery.)

    Me: “Mate… that’s a mirror.”

    Barking Up The Wrongest Tree

    | San Jose, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (I am a veterinary technician. I overhear an elderly client talking to the vet.)

    Client: “Oh, Dr. [name], can I ask one more question?”

    Vet: “Of course!”

    (The client gestures to a picture on the wall of a Dalmatian, sitting amidst a bunch of white cats with small black spots.)

    Client: “Is that possible?”

    Vet: “If you mean the markings, I’ve never seen a cat with Dalmatian spots. If you mean the dog being able to sit with cats—”

    Client: “No, no. Can the dog be the dad, and the cat the mom?”

    Vet: “Only with the magic of photoshop.”

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