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    This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

    Bashing The Button Basher

    | TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A 20-something calls in with the very common problem of their TV showing a blank screen. I’m second-level tech support, meaning they’ve already spoken to someone who either concluded their problem was serious, or simply gave up attempting to assist them.)

    Me: “Press the red button at the very top of your remote.”

    Caller: “Umm… uh… What’s a button?”

    Me: “Do you want to think about what you just asked for a moment?”

    Caller: “Umm, yeah, what’s a button?”

    Me: “Those little round things that make stuff happen when you push them.”

    Caller: “Oh, it worked! What was wrong?”

    Me: “Your TV was turned off.”

    On A Completely Different Wavelength

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Customer: “I am looking for a portable radio with headphones I can use while I walk or go to the gym.”

    Me: “Certainly! May I suggest this unit right here? It is actually an all-in-one unit; the radio is a part of the headphone assembly itself.”

    Customer: “I would rather have the headphones and radio be separate.”

    Me: “Well, we have multiple pocket radios with a headphone jack right over here. Do any of these look like what you are looking for?”

    Customer: “I would rather have a larger unit I can keep on the table, and plug into the wall.”

    Me: “Well, this unit right here is a little larger but can still be carried on you, and can plug into the wall as well as use headphones. It will charge while it’s plugged in, and you can take it with you when you walk or travel.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want it to use batteries.”

    Me: “So you want it to be a wall-socket only, non-battery powered, portable radio you can use while you walk and exercise?”

    Customer: “Yes, why is that so complicated?”

    Providing Extra Service

    | New York, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Top

    (I work at a cash register at a fairly popular clothing store. A customer walks up to me with a t-shirt in hand.)

    Customer: “Do you have this in size extra-medium?”

    Me: *stares blankly* “An extra-medium?”

    Customer: “Yeah. The medium just doesn’t fit.”

    Me: “Is it too big?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Is it too small?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Then what’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It’s not medium enough.”

    Me: “I’ll see what I can do about that.”

    (I take the shirt into the back room and take out a sharpie. I carefully draw an ‘X’ in front of the ‘M’ on the tag of the shirt. I then return and hand the shirt to the customer. He checks the tag, then goes and tries it on in the fitting room. I see him again at the checkout counter.)

    Me: “Were you happy with your shirt?”

    Customer: “Yeah. That extra-medium fits so much better than the medium!”

    Networking Notworking

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I am working as a shift leader in tech support for a global Swedish telephone company. I usually take phone calls from the agents where the customer is rather upset. I get called to an agent, where the customer is furious and yelling at him. I take over the phone.)

    Me: “Hi, this is the managing shift leader; I hear you have a complaint. May I ask what this is about?”

    Customer: “Yes! I called you guys yesterday about not getting network connection in my office, and nothing has happened yet! Do you have any idea how much money I am costing the company, unable to work?”

    Me: “Okay, I understand; just give me a minute to check the logged issue.”

    (I read the ticket and get suspicious immediately, because information about basic troubleshooting is missing.)

    Me: “Sir? When you reported this, did the agent ask you to try another outlet?”

    Customer: “Yes! It wasn’t working with that one either! Send me an onsite technician right NOW!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to say, but I believe there has been a misunderstanding here of the real root cause. May I please ask of you to just troubleshoot one more thing before I can escalate?”

    Customer: “H*** no! I spent over 30 minutes on the phone last time and that didn’t do s***! Do you have any idea how much money I make? I could have 20 of your so-called onsite techs following me constantly and it wouldn’t even show on my salary! I demand a priority top issue on this matter, right now!”

    Me: “Well sir, I am sorry to say that it is not allowed for a single user issue, no matter how much money you make. I am fairly certain the issue does not lie with the outlet, but in fact with your network card. So sending someone to ‘fix’ the outlet isn’t going to solve the issue. If you on the other hand, let me verify my suspicions, then this can be sorted out in a matter of minutes instead of days.”

    Customer: “D*** it! You are all worthless pieces of s***! Fine, what do you want me to do?”

    Me: “Just press the start button. In the run field you enter ‘cmd.’ Is there a black screen there now? Good. Please type ‘ping 127.0.0.1.’ What does it say?”

    Customer: “‘Request timed out.’ What does that mean?”

    Me: “It’s as I suspected. Your network card is broken. So instead of waiting for an onsite technician, how about I refer this ticket to your walk-in-center, and you just give them the ticket number and get a loaner PC while they fix your network card? That way you can start working again.”

    Customer: “Erm… well, yes. That would work. Er, thanks.”

    Me: “You’re welcome!”

    Moments You Wish You Had A Camera For

    , | Sacramento, CA, USARetail, Office Supply Store | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (My store sells desks and other office furniture. A customer who recently purchased a desk comes marching into the store, looking angry.)

    Customer: “YOUR COMPANY IS SPYING ON ITS CUSTOMERS!”

    Coworker: “What?”

    Customer: “You’re spying on your customers!”

    Coworker: “How do you figure?”

    Customer: “I just bought a desk from you guys, and on the instructions it says there’s a ‘hidden cam’ I’m supposed to install!”

    Coworker: “Sir, a cam-screw is just a type of screw. This one’s called a hidden cam because after you build everything, you won’t be able to see the screw any more.”

    Customer: “No, it’s a camera! You’re trying to steal information about people, and sell it to the government!”

    Coworker: “Sir, why would my company waste hundreds of thousands of dollars sneaking cameras into desks, cameras that are covered up by other pieces of the furniture and pointed at the floor?”

    Customer: “Well they could be listening in on my conversations!”

    Me: “Wouldn’t it be called a ‘hidden mic,’ then?”

    Coworker: “And why would we go so far as to clearly label the hidden cam as a hidden cam?”

    Customer: *leaves, defeated*

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