Category: Extra Stupid

This site is full of Customers; their stupid and moronic exploits that make us laugh. But these gems contained within are for those special cases, the extra stupid, the ones that make you wonder how they have survived this long!

Doubly Invalid

| Italy | Extra Stupid, Technology

(We develop a software that controls the validity of lists of data against European Community databases. A prospective client calls to gather information.)

Client: “Yes, I’ve been told about your program and I’d be interested in buying it. Just a question, though.”

Me: “Sure.”

Client: “We have a very large amount of data to check so I’d really like to make these controls only for the invalid data.”

Me: “Well, the program offers a report with a summary of the controls, and you can also use the built-in filter to extract only the ones that didn’t check out.”

Client: “Okay, but how do I know which one will not check out?”

Me: “…Well, you load the data in the program and it will give you the results.”

Client: “But I have a lot of data! It will take too long! I only want to run the control for the data that will result incorrect!”

Me: “…You want to know the results BEFORE running the program?”

Client: “Yes!”

Me: “So you can take the wrong data and process it again so it can tell you once more that it’s wrong?”

Client: “Yes!”

Me: “…”

Their Math Education Came At A Discount

| Aurora, CO, USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Money

(My work has a toilet on sale for $189.00, which is a 40% discount. Most people are very pleased with the deal and I personally have sold quite a few.)

Customer: “Why is this on sale?”

Me: “It’s just a deal that we came up with for our customers.”

Customer: “Is it damaged?”

Me: “No, sir, not at all. This is only a display model, as well. You will be getting one that is boxed.”

Customer: “What if I want this one?”

Me: “Sorry, it’s a display model. Displays are not for sale. You get one in a box, straight from the maker.”

Customer: “That is just weird.”

Me: “Well, the display model gets touched by hundreds of people. The one you get will be nice and new.”

Customer: “What about the price?”

Me: “It’s a great deal. It’s 40% off!”

Customer: “That’s it?”

Me: “Sir?

Customer: “That doesn’t seem like that great of a deal.”

Me: “Well, sir, the original price is $315, so you would be saving $126.00 on it.”

Customer: “Can I pay $126 and still get it?”

Me: “No, sir. You would still owe me over $60 dollars.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because the price is $189.”

Customer: “That doesn’t make sense. It’s $126 off so that is what I should pay. That is my offer.”

Me: “We don’t sell things by offers, sir. We sell them by the listed prices. The item is 60% off, which makes the price $189.00. It is a huge discount from the original price.”

Customer: “But I made my offer.”

Me: “Yes, but we don’t sell things by best offer. We sell things by our prices. The price is $189.00.”

Customer: *pulling out his phone and using a calculator app* “But $126 is only 40% off! So your 189.00 is way higher than what you think! So because you are wrong, I should get it at $126.”

Me: “Sir, discounts don’t work that way. You subtract the discount from the original. 315 minus 126 is 189, making it a 40% discount. To pay $126, you would be receiving a 60% discount.”

Customer: “That is not true! Give me the discount you advertised!”

Me: “That is what I am trying to do.”

Customer: “Liar!” *storms off*

Next Customer: “Was he really unhappy saving over a hundred dollars?”

Me: “Apparently, yes.”

Next Customer: “Well, I think it’s a great deal. I’ll buy two for my house, as long as you ring it up!”

M-ad Women

| Denver, CO, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

(My store has ads in magazines that run monthly. Typically, they bring us quite a bit of business. I get a phone call about it.)

Customer: “I want you to stop sending these magazines!”

Me: “Ma’am, this company does not send out independent ads. Are you referring to a magazine?”

Customer: “Yes and you need to stop sending it!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have no control over who is on the list for the magazines. If you wish to cancel your subscriptions to one of the magazines we advertise in, you will have to contact the magazine company itself.”

Customer: “I contacted YOU! I am so sick of getting these every month!”

Me: “Ma’am, we are just a company featured in the magazine. We have no control over your subscription.”

Customer: “Are you stupid? Just stop sending me the magazine!”

Me: “Ma’am, who do you think you have called?”

Customer: “[Name Of My Store].”

Me: “Yes, that is us. What is the name of the magazine?”

Customer: “[Name Of Magazine].”

Me: “So, we are the company that has an ad. We are not the same company that makes the magazine, as you can see from the very different names. I am unsure as to why you have contacted us. On the back page of the magazine, there will be a number of the correct company to contact for this.”

Customer: “Oh my God! Just stop sending them!”

Me: “Ma’am, once again, this is not the magazine company nor do we have any control over what they do. You have to call them. Not us. You can call every ad in that book, but no one will be able to help you unless you call the magazine company itself.”

Customer: “You are useless! Tell your boss to stop sending them!” *click*

(One month later I get a phone call:)

Customer: “WHY ARE YOU STILL SENDING ME MAGAZINES? I CANCELLED!”

Me: “Ma’am, as I told you then and I am going to tell you now, this is my store, not the magazine.”

Customer: “Cancel the d*** magazine!”

Me: “We are still not the magazine company!”

Customer: “You useless idiot! What do I have to do in order to get you to do your job? Stop. Sending. The. Magazine. To. Me.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I have tried my best to be polite and nice to you. I cannot dumb this down any further. We are a retail store. We run an ad in that magazine. For some reason, you have it in your head that a random ad in a magazine is the right number to call to end the magazine subscription. It is not. It is simply not. The only way to cancel the subscription is to call the people who actually make the magazine, instead of harassing ads that have no control or contact with the magazine except to send in new ads once a month. Now, open the magazine, find the number listed for the magazine and please stop calling here and harassing me. There is not a single logical reason that calling us would end a magazine subscription.”

Customer: “How dare you!”

Me: “Call the magazine. Not us.” *hangs up*

(Five minutes later:)

Customer: “I want to talk to your boss!”

Me: “I am the boss. Call the magazine company. Now please, leave us alone and figure out how ads and magazines work. I checked the magazine myself and our ad is on page six. There is no reason that a magazine company would put their number in the middle of their magazine. Their number is on the back. Call that number.”

Customer: “I should sue you! End my subscription or I WILL sue.”

Me: “Ma’am, you cannot sue because you are harassing someone else. You also cannot sue someone who has told you who to get the service you want for a month straight. We sell home supplies, as you can tell by our ad and by the name of our store. I will ask once more: call the company you actually want and leave us alone.”

Customer: “Will you end my subscription if I stop calling?”

Me: *facepalm*

(I learned her number and posted next to every phone that no one is allowed to answer it. She called for two more months and finally the calls stopped. I think she finally got it.)

Wireless, Clueless And Hopeless, Part 16

| NM, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: “You will need to be connected to Wi-Fi in order for this to work properly.”

Customer: “Okay, I’m connected. What next?”

Me: “Once connected, you will need to go to the settings options and click on ‘Back Up’ now.”

Customer: “Okay, I pressed it and now I see a progress bar at the bottom.”

Me: “That’s great! That means it is backing up. Please let me know once it is done.”

(15 minutes later:)

Customer: “Sorry it is taking so long. It seems to be stuck in the middle.”

Me: “It’s fine! It can take a while sometimes.”

Customer: “Should I be connect to Wi-Fi for this?”

Me: “Yes, I had mentioned at the very beginning that you would need to be connected to Wi-Fi for this to work correctly. Do you know if you have it on?”

Customer: “Not sure how to turn it on.”

(I instruct the customer on how to turn it on.)

Me: “Do you see the name of your home Wi-Fi Network listed?”

Customer: “How do I know what the name of my network is?”

Me: “You would need to contact your Internet Service provider for that information.”

Customer: “Will they be able to tell me if I have Wi-Fi?”

(I’m literally about to lose my s*** at this point.)

Me: “So you are not even sure if you have Wi-Fi?”

Customer: “No… I’m sorry, but I’m not very tech savvy…”

Related:
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 15
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 14
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 13

A Common-Sense Vacuum

| GA, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

(I am working at a big box retail store that has circulars in the Sunday papers. I don’t work at the customer service desk, but, just happen to be there when the phone rings.)

Me: “[Location], [Store Name].”

Caller: “Yes, I was calling about the vacuum cleaner on the front page of your circular. Is it really 40% off?”

Me: “Let me get that in front of me.”

(I find a circular and see that the 40% off is for the clearance apparel shown just above the picture of the vacuum cleaner.)

Me: “No Ma’am, that 40% off is for clearance apparel.”

Caller: “So, that doesn’t include the vacuum cleaner?”

(As a manager walks by the desk, I say…)

Me: “No, Ma’am, vacuum cleaners are not apparel.”

(My manager stops, gives me a strange look, laughs, shakes his head, and, walks away.)

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