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    Category: Books & Reading

    Caused by stupid customers who know how to read (and often those who don’t!), feel for the poor librarians or book store clerks who are often tasked with finding a book solely by the color of its cover.

    Walking A Very Fine Line

    | ID, USA | Books & Reading, Money

    (My husband and I have just walked into the library, when we hear another patron berating one of the employees.)

    Patron: “Nobody told me I had library fines! Now I can’t even use the library computer cause of that and it is an EMERGENCY!”

    Employee: “Most people know to check when their books are due, to prevent having fines.”

    Patron: “I can’t be bothered with that! I’ve told all you employees multiple times! I expect you to personally CALL me the night before I have a book due. EVERY TIME.”

    (At this point, the employee, my husband, and I are biting our lips to not laugh out loud at her ridiculous request.)

    Employee: “Well, I’m sorry about that, but due to the number of people on file, we can’t personally keep track of your books. That’s why we print out receipts with due dates.”

    Patron: “USELESS! THOSE ARE USELESS TO ME! Oh, and don’t you DARE try emailing me either! My email is only for certain uses and getting emails from this library is not one of them! I will get extremely angry if you email me! I’ll just ignore it!”

    (She continues to berate the employee for her own mistakes, and finally leaves after paying her ridiculous amount of fines. My husband and I go up to the employee.)

    Me: “You handled her so well! I’ve worked in customer service before, and you were definitely a lot nicer than I would have been. I just paid off my library fine, and it’s really not that hard to keep track of when things are due and what I owe.”

    Employee: *sighs* “Oh gosh, thanks. Sometimes… people… ugh… just people. Sometimes people suck.”

    This Bus Is Going Dune Town

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Books & Reading, Geeks Rule, Transportation

    (I am on my way home from a video game convention. I am dressed up like Link from Legend of Zelda. It’s about 11:30 at night.)

    Bus Driver: “That woman is a ‘Bene Gesserit’ witch. You’ve read Dune, right?”

    Passenger #1: “No.”

    Me: “I am the ‘Kwisatz Haderach!’”

    Passenger #2: “Who said that?”

    Me: “I did. Link said that.”

    Passenger #2: *pause* “That’s fair.”

    Needs To Return Up The River

    | IN, USA | Books & Reading, Extra Stupid

    Customer: “Hi. I’d like to exchange this book for this other one, please.”

    Me: “I’m happy to help. Was there a problem with the book you’re returning?”

    Customer: “No. It just wasn’t the right one.”

    Me: “All right. Do you have your receipt?”

    Customer: “No. I bought it online.”

    Me: “Oh, I see. May I have your name, please?”

    (The customer tells me her name and I pull up our store’s order records on the computer.)

    Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t see anything on our records under your name. Did you order the book on someone else’s account, perhaps?”

    Customer: “No. I definitely ordered it myself.”

    Me: “Hmm…”

    (I try everything I can think of to find a record of the transaction. After about five minutes of fruitless searching, the customer pipes up.)

    Customer: “Does it make a difference that I ordered it on Amazon?”

    Me: “…I’m sorry. What?”

    Customer: “I bought this on Amazon. I was kinda hoping you could just take this one that I got and give me this book off your shelves.”

    Me: “…No, ma’am. It doesn’t work like that.”

    Customer: “Why not? I come in with a book, I leave with a book. You lose a book and gain a book. It all works out in the end.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you have to actually buy a book from us to return it to us.”

    Customer: “Oh, really?”

    Books Are Going The Way Of The Dinosaur

    | AK, USA | Books & Reading, Funny Names, Language & Words

    Me: “Hi. What can I help you find today?”

    Customer: “I want to find a book.”

    Me: “What book are you looking for?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for that book with a bunch of words in it that sounds like a dinosaur?”

    Me: *stares for a moment* “…a thesaurus?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    The Answer To Their Own Question

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Books & Reading, Food & Drink, Top

    (Today all my customers have been placing the exact same order, so I decide to have fun with the next one who comes in.)

    Me: “Hello. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi! Can I have—”

    Me: “A pound of [Brand] oven roasted turkey? Sliced thin?”

    Customer: “Um, yes…”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Coming right up.”

    (I slice the turkey for her and hand it to her.)

    Me: “Would you like anything else today?”

    Customer: “Can I also have—”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. One pound of [Brand] white American cheese, coming up.”

    (Her eyes go wide but she doesn’t say anything. I look through the cold case but don’t find an open package of the cheese.)

    Me: “Oh, looks like I need to open a new package. One moment, please.”

    (I step out from behind the counter and open up the door on the front of the case to get a new package of cheese.)

    Customer: “Wow! I didn’t know—”

    Me: “That’s okay. Most people don’t know the doors open from the front.”

    (Her eyes get even wider. I try not to snicker as I slice her cheese.)

    Me: “Aaaaand there you go. Will that be all for you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “What number am I—”

    Me: “42.”

    (She snatches the cheese and runs out the front door at full speed.)

    Coworker: “How did you know what number she was thinking?”

    Me: “Douglas Adams, dude. 42 is always the answer.”

    Coworker: “You’re sick, man.”

    Me: “I knew you’d say that.”


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