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  • Using The Lord’s Name Doesn’t Deliver
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    Category: Books & Reading

    Caused by stupid customers who know how to read (and often those who don’t!), feel for the poor librarians or book store clerks who are often tasked with finding a book solely by the color of its cover.

    His Witnesses Will Need A Protection Program

    | Indiana, USA | Books & Reading, Religion

    (For legal reasons, our store cannot offer any discounts on books by a certain publisher.)

    Customer: “I’d like to use this coupon on my order, please.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Your order is nothing but books by [publishers], and we can’t accept the coupon on them.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “See, it says right here in the fine print, ‘Not valid on any [publisher's] products’.”

    Customer: “Well I know that! But you need to give me the discount anyway!”

    Me: “It’s against store policy. I can’t give you a discount on these books.”

    Customer: “Look, I’m using these books to witness to people who don’t know the Lord. You should give me a discount because I’m giving them to people who need them!”

    Me: “There is nothing I can do about that. I don’t set the prices or the policies.”

    Customer: “If [bookstore] really does claim to be a Christian business, then they should give discounts to people who buy stuff to witness to other people! You’re making me waste the Lord’s money!”

    Library Staff Are Very Amen-able

    | Tennessee, USA | Books & Reading, Religion

    Customer: *handing me a book* “Is this the Koran?”

    Me: “No sir, this appears to be a book about Ojibwe singers.”

    Customer: “The lady said it would be on aisle 6B.”

    Me: “It is, but the Koran’s call number is 297. This book is listed under 264.”

    *blank stare*

    Me: “Let me try to help you find it.”

    (Walking to aisle 6B, I notice that the book he grabbed is the first book on the aisle, at eye level.)

    Me: “Sir, did you just walk to aisle 6B and grab the first book you saw?”

    Customer: “I couldn’t find it, so…yes.”

    (He then find’s another book on the shelf.)

    Customer: “Oh here it is! Would this be the best one?”

    (The patron has picked up ‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Koran’.)

    I Can’t Hear Myself Think, Part 2

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Books & Reading, Musical Mayhem

    (Our store plays soft, acoustic music over the speakers. An old man approaches me angrily.)

    Customer: “Your music is too loud!”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “Your music is too loud. I can’t read!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Most people like it.”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t be playing music in a bookstore! It should be like a library!”

    (He storms off, yelling over his shoulder.)

    Customer: “I don’t come in here to buy things, I come in here to read! It should be like a library!”

    Related:
    I Can’t Hear Myself Think

    Go Directly To School, Do Not Pass Go

    | Oxford, UK | Books & Reading, Family & Kids

    Customer: “Hi, I need to buy Monopoly.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t actually sell board games.”

    Customer: “Oh? Why not?”

    Me: “Well, this is a bookshop. We pretty much only sell books.”

    Customer: “Can I get the book of Monopoly?”

    Me: “I’m not sure we have any books about Monopoly the game, but I can have a look on our system.” *I check the system* “Yes, I’m sorry. The only books we have are about monopolies in finance.”

    Customer: “Maybe that will do? Does it come with the hat and everything?”

    Me: “It’s a book, not a board game so there aren’t any player pieces or anything, and we don’t actually have any books about the board game monopoly either. I think if you’re interested in Monopoly the game, you should go to [store] across the street.”

    Customer: “Okay, maybe I’ll try that. While I’m here though, do you have that one with the candlestick and the library?”

    Me: “Cluedo?” (Called ‘Clue’ in the USA.) “Again, I’m afraid it’s a board game so [store] across the street is your best bet.”

    Customer: “How do you expect kids to like reading when you don’t sell anything they’d want to read?!”

    (Not One Of) History’s Mysteries

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Books & Reading, Family & Kids, History, Top

    (I am helping a little boy find a children’s book on Native American history for a book report.)

    Me: “I think this one will come in handy. It’s all about the different Native American tribes and traditions. It even includes a large map showing where the Native American tribes lived.”

    Little Boy: “Thank you!”

    (He walks away with his book and an adult customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Why did you do that?”

    Me: “Do what?”

    Customer: “Tell him those are real.”

    Me: “Native Americans?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “Because they are real.”

    Customer: “No! They only exist in movies with cowboys!”

    Me: “I can assure you that Native Americans exist.”

    Customer: *mocking* “I suppose you believe cowboys really existed, too?”


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