Category: Books & Reading

Caused by stupid customers who know how to read (and often those who don’t!), feel for the poor librarians or book store clerks who are often tasked with finding a book solely by the color of its cover.

What Possessed You To Do That

| North Shore, MA, USA | Bizarre, Books & Reading, Religion, Top

(This happens while I am working at a Christian book store that also sells other “Christian” items. This particular incident involves a customer’s dissatisfaction with a child’s toy called the “Armor of God”, which includes a sword, a shield, and armor.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “Hello, I would like a refund for a toy I bought my son last week called the ‘Armor of God’.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Can I please have the order number?”

Caller: “Yes, the order number is ########.”

Me: “Now, was the item defective or damaged in any way, or are you simply dissatisfied with the product?”

Caller: “The toy is possessed.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “The moment my son put on the armor he started screaming and running around attacking everything with the sword. The toy is possessed and I want a full refund. Frankly I’m shocked that a store advertising Christian products would sell something like this!”

Me: “Okay, well, if you box up the items, I can send you a return shipping label. When the toy arrives at our warehouse you will receive a full refund.”

Caller: “You want it back?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I can’t give you a refund unless the item is returned.”

Caller: “I’m afraid that’s impossible.”

Me: “Has the toy been damaged in some way?”

Caller: “No, I buried it.”

Me: “What?”

Caller: “It was possessed by a demon, so I buried it.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but if that’s the case, I’m afraid I cannot give you a refund.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, you buried the toy in the ground. You’re refusing to return it and the toy is ruined anyway. Per company policy, I cannot give you a refund.”

Caller: “Are you serious? First, you sell me a possessed toy, putting my family in danger, and now you refuse to give me my money back? I demand to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am, but first have you considered that possibly the toy isn’t possessed and that your son was just play fighting?”

Caller: “How dare you! Do you think I don’t know the difference? Do you think I’m lying? My son has never acted this way before. The toy is possessed and I am owed a refund. I demand to speak to your manager! I have never been so insulted!”

Me: “Let me place you on hold while I transfer you to my supervisor…”

Look, But Don’t Touch Or Read

| Massachusetts, USA | Books & Reading

(A middle-aged man and woman walk into the small used bookshop. They look around at the shelvesof books, seemingly perplexed. After giving them a bit of time time, I check up on them.)

Me: “Hi! Let me know if I can help you with anything.”

Woman: What kind of place is this?

Me: *confused* “I’m sorry?”

Man: “What is this place?”

Me: *still confused* “It’s a bookstore.”

Woman: “So, all these books are are for sale?”

Me: “Yes they are!”

Man: “Oh…”

(They exchange looks and leave.)

Hair Asunder Down Under

| Melbourne, Australia | Books & Reading, Rude & Risque

(My hair is naturally a rather unusual color of red that naturally highlights due to a melanin imbalance. I am a male. A few months ago I shaved my head for charity. A male customer comes to the counter.)

Customer: “Oh my, you have such wonderful hair. May I touch it?”

Me: *laughing* “I hear that a lot. You should have seen it when I had it down to here…”

(I indicate my hip where my hair used to reach.)

Me: “I had to shave it all off, though.”

Customer: “Where I am from in Spain, it is very common for people to shave their bodies. No need to be ashamed!”

Me: “Oh, no…no! I mean my head hair went down to there.”

Customer: “Oh! It must have been beautiful! Still, you should consider shaving your body! Everybody on the beach likes it.” *winks at me and walks out*

Part Two, The Afterlife

| Virginia, USA | Books & Reading

(I’m helping a customer find “The Autobiography of Mark Twain”. As I hand it to her, she remarks on the size of the book.)

Me: “It’s hard to believe it’s only volume one, isn’t it?”

Customer: “It is?”

Me: “Yeah, see? Right under the title.”

Customer: “Oh, he must not have written the second one yet!”

I Can Almost Feel Edward’s Embrace

| Grand Rapids, MI, USA | Books & Reading

Customer: “I want to know what romance books are good right now. I want a really good romance, since I’m going on vacation.”

Me: “Well, I don’t really read romance novels, but I can tell you what is popular. Have you read any Sherrilyn Kenyon?”

Customer: “What is it? Is it like vampires or something?”

Me: “It’s considered paranormal romance and is very popular.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want anything unrealistic.”

Me: “Well, then you probably don’t want a romance novel.”

Customer: “I want something realistic like Twilight. Do you have any books like that?”

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