• Done With You
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  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

    Category: Books & Reading

    Caused by stupid customers who know how to read (and often those who don’t!), feel for the poor librarians or book store clerks who are often tasked with finding a book solely by the color of its cover.

    Anatomy Of An Idiot

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA | Books & Reading, Health & Body, Math & Science, Movies & TV

    (A customer comes to the register and puts a leather bound copy of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ on the counter.)

    Customer: “Yes, I would like to return this book; it wasn’t what I expected.”

    Me: “Okay, I can do that for you.”

    Customer: “It was terrible; it’s not at all like the television show.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “It’s my favorite show, and I was really excited to read this, but I don’t know what they were thinking with this book.”

    (I am dumbfounded, but I finish the transaction and send the customer on her way. The next customer in line approaches.)

    Next Customer: “How is it you manage to get through a full day of that sort of bull-s*** and not punch yourself in the face?”

    Me: “No idea, sir.”

    Got To Give Him Credit For Trying

    | Allentown, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Books & Reading, Liars & Scammers, Money

    (My husband and I are customers in a fairly long line at the bookstore’s register. A customer ahead of us puts pile of about 10 books on the counter.)

    Customer: “I’ll take these.”

    (He opens his wallet and pulls out one of those credit card-shaped pieces of tan card stock that has the words ‘CREDIT CARD’ around the edges and comes inside a new wallet to demonstrate where your credit cards would go. Other than the words ‘CREDIT CARD’ around the edges, the card is completely blank. There is no name, card number, card type, etc.)

    Customer: “Credit, please.”

    (The customer hands the cashier the ‘credit card’.)

    Cashier: “Uh…”

    Customer: “This is a new card from Citibank. They are switching to paper instead of plastic because it is better for the environment.”

    Cashier: “I don’t think—”


    Manager: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want to buy these books. Here is my credit card. It is a new card from Citibank; they are switching to paper from plastic to help the environment!”

    Manager: *very obviously trying not to laugh* “I… uh… I’m sorry, but only major credit cards are accepted here.”


    (The customer takes his ‘credit card’ and storms off.)

    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 11

    | PA, USA | Books & Reading, Crazy Requests

    (I’m a regular at a particular location of a major book store chain and know where most of the books are. I usually get something at the cafe and a few books, and make a habit of re-shelving everything myself once I’m done. As I’m re-shelving books one evening, a man approaches me.)

    Man: “You. I want to find a book for my wife.”

    Man’s Wife: “I just need new tricks or tips on Sudoku.”

    Me: “Oh! I love Sudoku. Well, it looks like you’re in the right section. Did you not spot anything you like?”

    Man: “Can’t you just look up what she needs for her?”

    (I smile and remain generally pleasant, mainly because I think this is funny every time it happens.)

    Me: “I don’t actually work here, but if you have the title, sir, just go to the service counter right there. They can find it for you.”

    Man: “I just want a book my wife can look at right now. Why can’t you just get it for us?”

    Me: “Well… these are books of more puzzles. Um… I don’t actually work here, sir. But if you’re having a hard time finding a suitable book, you can always Google up keywords like ‘sudoku tips’ or ‘solving sudoku’.”

    Man: “Yes, but do you have it in a book?”

    Me: “Sir, if you would go to the service counter and ask, I’m sure they can find it for you.”

    Man: “You! Why can’t you find it!?”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t work here. If you go to the counter, an employee could help you look something up in their computer.”

    Man: “You’re not going to help us find this book?”

    Me: “I wouldn’t be sure where to start, but an employee—”

    (An employee that has been walking toward us in the last part of the conversation finally comes up next to me.)

    Employee: “I can take over.”

    Me: “—can take over from here. Thanks, bye!”

    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 10
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 9
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 8
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 7
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 6
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 5

    A Cursory Attitude To Cursing

    | MI, USA | Books & Reading, Language & Words

    (A couple walk into my store.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you find anything?”

    Woman: “Yes, we’re looking for the book Go the F**k to Sleep.”

    Me: “I think I have that right back here.”

    Man: “Honey, I think ‘go the F to sleep” is the polite way to say that.”

    Me: “No worries. If I’m selling it, I should be able to hear it.

    Man: “Touché.”

    Foretelling Will Be The Death Of You

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Books & Reading, Extra Stupid

    (I am managing a small bookstore, and a coworker who is usually very good at guessing what book someone wants based on minimal description comes up for help.)

    Coworker: “There’s a guy on the phone, and I can’t tell what he wants. He says he’s looking for something called The Death of a Toad.”

    Me: “That doesn’t sound familiar.”

    Coworker: “He’s getting annoyed with me because I don’t recognize the title. Can you handle it?”

    (I grab the phone. The customer sounds like a teenage guy, and he’s irritated.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “I hope so, that other girl was useless. I need Death of a Toad; how hard is that?”

    Me: “I’m sorry she couldn’t help you. I see she’s looked it up in the computer, and we don’t have any records of it in our system. Is it a new book?”

    Customer: “No, it’s a classic or something. I need to read it for school.”

    Me: “Okay. So it’s regular adult fiction, and it’s called Death of a Toad?”

    Customer: “Yeah, why is this so hard to understand?”

    (I do a more general search on the computer system, looking for any book with “toad” in the title, and don’t get any relevant results.)

    Me: “Is it spelled toad, like the animal? And death, like dying? I want to make sure I’m looking up the right search terms.”

    Customer: “Duh, yes! Death, like death, and toad, like frog. Wait… it’s not Death of a Toad; it’s Death of Four Toads.”

    Me: “That doesn’t sound familiar either. Do you have all or part of the author’s name?”

    Customer: “I don’t know, some guy. Look, how hard is this? It’s Death of Four Toads by some Mexican guy or whatever, and it’s a classic! Are you completely stupid? Death. Of. Four. Toads.

    (As he says this, a light bulb finally goes off in my head.)

    Me: “…are you maybe looking for Chronicle of a Death Foretold?”

    Customer: “Yes! Fine! It’s CHRONICLE of the Death of Four Toads! Do. You. Have. It?”

    Me: “Actually, I sold my last copy over the weekend. Have a nice day!”

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