Category: Books & Reading

Caused by stupid customers who know how to read (and often those who don’t!), feel for the poor librarians or book store clerks who are often tasked with finding a book solely by the color of its cover.

This Bus Is Going Dune Town

| Seattle, WA, USA | Books & Reading, Geeks Rule, Transportation

(I am on my way home from a video game convention. I am dressed up like Link from Legend of Zelda. It’s about 11:30 at night.)

Bus Driver: “That woman is a ‘Bene Gesserit’ witch. You’ve read Dune, right?”

Passenger #1: “No.”

Me: “I am the ‘Kwisatz Haderach!'”

Passenger #2: “Who said that?”

Me: “I did. Link said that.”

Passenger #2: *pause* “That’s fair.”

Needs To Return Up The River

| IN, USA | Books & Reading, Extra Stupid

Customer: “Hi. I’d like to exchange this book for this other one, please.”

Me: “I’m happy to help. Was there a problem with the book you’re returning?”

Customer: “No. It just wasn’t the right one.”

Me: “All right. Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No. I bought it online.”

Me: “Oh, I see. May I have your name, please?”

(The customer tells me her name and I pull up our store’s order records on the computer.)

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t see anything on our records under your name. Did you order the book on someone else’s account, perhaps?”

Customer: “No. I definitely ordered it myself.”

Me: “Hmm…”

(I try everything I can think of to find a record of the transaction. After about five minutes of fruitless searching, the customer pipes up.)

Customer: “Does it make a difference that I ordered it on Amazon?”

Me: “…I’m sorry. What?”

Customer: “I bought this on Amazon. I was kinda hoping you could just take this one that I got and give me this book off your shelves.”

Me: “…No, ma’am. It doesn’t work like that.”

Customer: “Why not? I come in with a book, I leave with a book. You lose a book and gain a book. It all works out in the end.”

Me: “Ma’am, you have to actually buy a book from us to return it to us.”

Customer: “Oh, really?”

Books Are Going The Way Of The Dinosaur

| AK, USA | Books & Reading, Funny Names, Language & Words

Me: “Hi. What can I help you find today?”

Customer: “I want to find a book.”

Me: “What book are you looking for?”

Customer: “I’m looking for that book with a bunch of words in it that sounds like a dinosaur?”

Me: *stares for a moment* “…a thesaurus?”

Customer: “Yes!”

The Answer To Their Own Question

| FL, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Books & Reading, Food & Drink, Top

(Today all my customers have been placing the exact same order, so I decide to have fun with the next one who comes in.)

Me: “Hello. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi! Can I have—”

Me: “A pound of [Brand] oven roasted turkey? Sliced thin?”

Customer: “Um, yes…”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Coming right up.”

(I slice the turkey for her and hand it to her.)

Me: “Would you like anything else today?”

Customer: “Can I also have—”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. One pound of [Brand] white American cheese, coming up.”

(Her eyes go wide but she doesn’t say anything. I look through the cold case but don’t find an open package of the cheese.)

Me: “Oh, looks like I need to open a new package. One moment, please.”

(I step out from behind the counter and open up the door on the front of the case to get a new package of cheese.)

Customer: “Wow! I didn’t know—”

Me: “That’s okay. Most people don’t know the doors open from the front.”

(Her eyes get even wider. I try not to snicker as I slice her cheese.)

Me: “Aaaaand there you go. Will that be all for you, ma’am?”

Customer: “What number am I—”

Me: “42.”

(She snatches the cheese and runs out the front door at full speed.)

Coworker: “How did you know what number she was thinking?”

Me: “Douglas Adams, dude. 42 is always the answer.”

Coworker: “You’re sick, man.”

Me: “I knew you’d say that.”

Yaoi Got To Be Kidding, Part 2

| Rapid City, SD, USA | Books & Reading, Family & Kids, Movies & TV, Musical Mayhem

(I work at the local bookstore. I am trying to grow our small graphic novel and manga section so that it is worthwhile. A customer and his mom have stopped in to look around. He is about 16 years old.

Customer: “Mom, can I please get a new comic book?”

Customer’s Mom: “I don’t know. You just got one.”

(The mom looks over at me working at the register.)

Customer’s Mom: “Here’s the deal. Play your ringtone to her. If she can name the song or at least where it comes from, I will buy you a new comic book.”

(The customer’s son looks at his phone shyly as he looks for his ringtone. The music starts to play the theme song to ‘Robot Chicken.’)

Me: “Oh my god! That’s Robot Chicken!”

(I proceed to bock like a chicken with it. The customer’s mom looks at me incredulously and shakes her head.)

Customer’s Mom: “I made a deal.”

(They bought the comic book and are leaving. The mom is moaning loudly to her son.)

Customer’s Mom: “I can’t believe that the one person I point out knows exactly what it is! You’re everywhere! She doesn’t even look like she likes that kind of stuff!”

Related:
Yaoi Got To Be Kidding

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