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    Category: Books & Reading

    Caused by stupid customers who know how to read (and often those who don’t!), feel for the poor librarians or book store clerks who are often tasked with finding a book solely by the color of its cover.

    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 14

    | CA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Books & Reading

    (I’m working at the register when a regular customer (who is a man) approaches me.)

    Regular: “[My Name], I have a question for you.”

    Me: “Yeah, what is it?”

    Regular: “Um… have you read Twilight?”

    Me: “No, I haven’t actually read it.”

    Regular: “Oh, thank God! I like you.”

    Related:
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 13
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 12
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 11

    IP Address:

    Anna Oprahnina

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Bizarre, Books & Reading, Crazy Requests, Movies & TV

    (I am a book seller in a large book-store chain. A woman is standing in front of the new release table and is looking frustrated.)

    Me: “Can I help you, miss?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a new book. Oprah said it just came out. You should keep more new releases in stock! Especially if it’s a book by Oprah!”

    Me: “Okay, well, maybe it’s somewhere else in the store. I can check for you. Do you know the title?”

    Customer: “It’s called Anna Karenina.”

    Me: *pause* “Oh, that should be in our literature section, under Tolstoy.”

    Customer: “Why is it not in the new releases? Oprah said it was just published!”

    Me: “Well, actually it was written in the 1870s.”

    Customer: “No, it wasn’t! Oprah said it was new! Oprah doesn’t lie! She’s Oprah!”

    Me: “Okay. Do you want to get the book?”

    Customer: “Of course! Oprah said I have to read it. Oprah!”

    (My coworkers spent the rest of the day randomly shouting ‘Oprah!’ over the headsets.)

    Ask A Silly Question…

    | MO, USA | Awesome Workers, Bizarre, Books & Reading

    (I am in charge of our text service at the library where I work. We had a patron for a time who delighted in pranking us with odd or silly questions. We generally handle such instances in a very professional manner, but one evening when the patron texted in, I decided it was time to fight back.)

    Patron: “How do I get to the library?”

    Me: “The same way you get to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice.”

    Patron: “Is there any way I can practice watching the live NFL draft in the library?”

    Me: “Nope. So sorry. Try [Local Bar].”

    Patron: “But I have a final test tomorrow.”

    Me: “Then [Local Bar] probably isn’t a great idea.”

    Patron: “Thank you for your generous advice.”

    Me: “Always thrilled to be of service.”

    Patron: “I accidentally whispered on the quiet floor of the library. What are the repercussions?”

    Me: “Death. There is no alternative. But on the bright side, your folks will probably get a hefty life insurance payout.”

    Patron: “Unfortunately no one has yet insured my life. However if you are interested I can arrange for payments.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s very sad. Maybe they don’t love you. You deserve parents who will put a price on your life.”

    Patron: “Touché, library person!”

    Me: *bows; exeunt stage left*

    Only Has Egg On Her Face

    | Yorkshire, England, UK | Books & Reading, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (The husband of a couple has come to collect a menu about an hour before they would like to eat because his wife has difficulty making decisions. Our menu for cooked items is very limited and has only a full English breakfast, a vegetarian English cooked breakfast, smoked haddock, smoked salmon, and kippers available. The couple come in for breakfast, having studied the menu.)

    Wife: “Do you do eggs benedict?”

    Closing Time Is Not In Their Books

    | Denver, CO, USA | Books & Reading, Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Hello. Thank you for calling the Student Center. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: *sighs* “When the h*** does the bookstore close?”

    Me: “Let”s see… The bookstore closes at 5:00 pm, sir.”

    Customer: “Then why the h*** didn’t they pick up their phone?! I’ve called four times!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it is now 5:47, so the bookstore has been closed for nearly 50 minutes. Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “Well, why the f*** aren’t they open until 6:30?! This is bull-s***!”

    Me: “Well, sir, I believe the bookstore has shortened store hours. They will resume normal hours in September. I apologize if this has caused any inconvenience.”

    Customer: *breathing heavily and getting worked up* “Well, transfer me to the manager. Jesus Christ!”

    Me: “Upon looking online, sir, I see that the manager does not have a direct line. I am sorry, you will have to call the bookstore during normal business hours.”

    Customer: “WELL, THE WEBSITE IS WRONG!” *hangs up*

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