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    Category: Bizarre

    For whatever reason, some Customers are just plain odd. And the service industry unleashes them on to unsuspecting clerks with often hilarious results. If you like your customers just plain bizarre, then read on!

    Saving The Duke From The Puke

    | West Jefferson, NC, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    Customer: “I’ll have two pounds of mac & cheese, 3 pounds of potato wedges, 2 pounds of boneless wings, and 10 cheese sticks. I also need 4 pounds of cooked ham, sliced on a #2.”

    Me: “Alright! Having a party, huh?”

    Customer: “No, this is for my dog.”

    Me: *taken off-guard* “Oh…” *jokingly* “…well, is he having a party then?”

    Customer:  ”I don’t appreciate your tone!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I was only kidding.”

    (I fill her order in silence. After weighing the potato wedges, she says…)

    Customer: “Can’t you go any faster?! The Duke will surely starve!”

    Me: “I’ll do the best I can, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Well, see that you do! My sweet doggie is hungry!”

    (Meanwhile, a man walks up and begins talking to the customer while I finish her order. This takes about 10 minutes, as I have to cook more chicken. As I turn around from the meat slicer to give her the last bag of sliced ham, I see her walking away with the man. She has left her entire order on the counter.)

    Me: “Ma’am! MA’AM! Your order, ma’am!”

    Customer: “Oh, nevermind, dear! He brought me some dog food from the pet aisle!”

    Me: *speechless*

    (She wasted at least $40 worth of food!)

    It Was A One-Horned Fabulous Purple People Lover

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA | Bizarre, Love/Romance, Top

    (I am a gay man, bringing my boyfriend lunch at work. I arrive right when his lunch break is scheduled, but he is busy with a customer. I stand to the side at an unused register, to wait for him.)

    Elderly Customer: “You are so adorable! Just the cutest smile… adorable cheeks… great eyes!”

    My Boyfriend: *blushes* “Thank you, ma’am.”

    Elderly Customer: “You would be PERFECT for my granddaughter. She’s about your age, you know!”

    My Boyfriend: “Well, thank you, but I’m already taken.

    (He points out the engagement ring I got him two years ago.)

    Elderly Customer: “OH! That’s a beautiful wedding ring! When did you get married?”

    My Boyfriend: “Actually, I’m not married; I’m engaged. We haven’t set a date for a ceremony yet.”

    Elderly Customer: “What?! Engaged?! Since when do women give engagement rings to men?!”

    My Boyfriend: “Well, ma’am, my engagement ring came from my boyfriend. He proposed to me, and we plan to hold a ceremony in the next year or two.”

    Elderly Customer: “Boyfriend? What do you mean, ‘boyfriend?’”

    My Boyfriend: “Well, I’m gay, ma’am. I’m engaged to another man.”

    Elderly Customer: “Oh, don’t be silly! You’re not gay!”

    My Boyfriend: “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

    Elderly Customer: “No, you’re not. Gay people don’t exist. It’s all a stupid liberal conspiracy.”

    My Boyfriend: “I can assure you, ma’am, I’m gay, and we do exist.”

    Elderly Customer: “No, you don’t! And, no, you aren’t! Gay people aren’t real. No one is gay, queer, homo, ‘special,’ ‘light in the loafers,’ or ‘limp wristed.’ Just because you aren’t a masculine man, honey, doesn’t mean you are less of a man.”

    My Boyfriend: *dumbfounded*

    (At this point, the customer turns to me since I’m standing nearby.)

    Elderly Customer: “Can you believe this adorable boy, saying he’s gay? As if I was just born yesterday!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, I can believe it. I’m the one who gave him the engagement ring he’s wearing.”

    Elderly Customer: “What?! You think YOU’RE gay too?!”

    Me: “I don’t think I am, ma’am, I know I am.”

    Elderly Customer: “Oh, for the love of God! Now you’re gonna tell me you are a unicorn, too! Or a fairy! Or the Loch Ness Monster!” *turns back to my boyfriend* “Don’t worry, sweetie. I am sure the unicorn boy over there just has you confused. I’ll send my granddaughter in so you can meet her!”

    My Boyfriend: “Really, ma’am, that isn’t necessary.” *points at me* “I’m perfectly happy as is.”

    Elderly Customer: *also points at me* “Don’t listen to the unicorn! He doesn’t know what he’s talking about!”

    My Boyfriend: “Okay, ma’am. Well, here is your receipt. You have a good day!”

    (The customer proceeds to take her bags, walks a few feet away, grabs the closest coworker, and points to my boyfriend and me. Note that my coworker hasn’t heard any of the conversation.)

    Elderly Customer: “See them? They are unicorns!”

    Coworker: “Wait… what?”

    Elderly Customer: “They are unicorns! Sparkly, flittery, girly unicorns!”

    Coworker: *confused* “Okay, ma’am. I’ll keep that in mind.”

    Elderly Customer: “You do that.” *turns to us as she walks out* “Bye bye, unicorns!”

    Aisle Never Stop Answering You

    | USA | Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

    (I work in a small card shop in a mall. It’s rather cramped and the aisles are difficult to navigate if there are many people in the store. Small note: There are two phones in the store; one in the office, one near the registers.)

    Manager: “[Me], will you please put these cards back in their pockets?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I begin to walk to the proper space when an older customer stops me, smiling.)

    Customer: “NOW what are you going to do?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “What happens if the phone rings and you can’t get past me to get it? Do you just let it ring?”

    Me: “No, there is a phone near the registers.”

    Customer: “What? Nuh-uh. There can’t be one up there!”

    Me: “I believe there is still a phone up there, sir.”

    Customer: “Prove it! Show me!”

    (I take the customer up to the registers and show him there is indeed another phone.)

    Customer: “You smart alec! Why do you need two phones in a small store?!”

    Me: “In case the store is full and we can’t reach the other in time.”

    Customer: *quickly exits the store, defeated*

    Manager: “What the heck just happened?!”

    A Pal-Tree Understanding Of Plants

    | Oakville, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Top

    (A customer walks up with a dead, five foot tall maple sapling at the garden center where I work. It has been cut with a handsaw and has obviously been dead for a least three or four months.)

    Customer: “I want a refund! You sold me this tree last summer, but in November the leaves all turned yellow, dried out, and fell off. I want a refund!”

    Me: “So, in autumn your tree lost its leaves?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Sir, broad leaf trees in Canada like this do lose their leaves in the fall and then grow back in the spring. Your tree was just dormant for the winter.”

    Customer: “But after the leaves all fell off, I put it in the garage! Now it’s spring, and the leaves aren’t growing back, so it must be defective. I want a refund NOW!”

    Me: “When you put your tree into your garage in the fall, how did you get it in there?”

    Customer: “I cut it!”

    Me: “So, you cut it down and now you want a refund because it’s dead?”

    Customer: “I want to speak to the owner!”

    (I call the owner, who is a hard-nosed woman in her sixties.)

    Owner: “What seems to be the problem sir?”

    Customer: “Yeah, this tree you sold me last year is dead. I want a refund.”

    Owner: “Was it alive before you put a saw to it?”

    Customer: “Well, it was, and then in November all of the leaves turned yellow and fell off, so I cut it and put it in my garage. Now I want a refund!”

    Owner: “Get out of here!”

    Meow Amore Vole Fe Ya

    | Denver, CO, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    Client: “Help, my cat is pregnant and I have no idea what to do now!”

    Coworker: “Alright, do you have any un-neutered male cats in the house, or is she an outdoor cat?”

    Client: “Yes, I have two un-neutered male cats in the house. Does it matter?”

    Coworker: “Well, if you have un-neutered male cats in the house, that is likely how she got pregnant.”

    Client: “That’s impossible. My male cats are gay!”


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