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  • February Theme Of The Month: Hazardous Customers!
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    Category: Bizarre

    For whatever reason, some Customers are just plain odd. And the service industry unleashes them on to unsuspecting clerks with often hilarious results. If you like your customers just plain bizarre, then read on!

    Best Left To His Own Company

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer is trying to return a computer he has had for over six months.)

    Me: “Sorry, you can’t return it now, but we may be able to fix it. What’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t get online anymore.”

    (I start working on the computer, and find the antivirus has expired and locked down the browser. This is a sneaky trick some antivirus software does to get you to renew.)

    Me: “I removed your expired AV. Your browser is working. You will need new AV.”

    Customer: “Awesome, that’s great. Hey do you have those cameras that go up high?”

    Me: “…Cameras that go up high?”

    Customer: “Yeah, like those.”

    (He points to the store’s security cameras.)

    Me: “Oh, security cameras? No, we don’t sell anything like that.”

    Customer: “But [Other Store] sells them.”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but we are a different company.”

    (As I answer him, the customer looks very strange; it’s as if he is no longer all there mentally. He begins muttering to himself.)

    Customer: “Different company? Diff-erent company… Different comp-any…”

    (The customer picks up his computer and walks off, all the while continuing to mutter and stare directly into the lights in the ceiling. After he leaves, my coworker speaks up.)

    Coworker: “…What just happened?”

    Driving In Laps

    | Ohrid, Macedonia | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

    (I used to work as a police officer back in old Yugoslavia. One summer night, I do a routine stop for a speeder. Surprisingly, it’s an old Fiat 500. I walk up and the window rolls down. I see the driver, a man. On his lap is a woman.)

    Me: “Um, sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?”

    Man: “Yes, I think I was speeding.”

    Me: “You think? Well, it’s also because you have a woman on your lap.”

    Man: “What are you talking about? I don’t have anyone on my lap!”

    Me: “Sir, I am not stupid. There is a woman on your lap!”

    Man: “Officer, I assure you there is no woman on my lap! Have you been drinking tonight?”

    Me: “Okay, then. Sir, please step out of the car.”

    Man: “What? I’ve done nothing wron—”

    Me: “Step out of the car, sir.”

    (The man comes out and so does the woman on his lap. As they exit, I look into the car and see another man in the passenger seat, also with a woman on his lap.)

    Me: “Everyone step out of the car!”

    (The other man and his woman friend step out as well, but unbelievably I see another 6 women come out of the back seat, 3 of whom had been sitting on the other women’s laps. As they all line up in front of me, I still can’t believe my eyes. 10 people—2 men and 8 women—somehow piled into this one tiny little car. I was so astonished that I let them go! I just made sure no one was drunk and that the driver had an open lap. Even then, I still followed them home to make sure they didn’t get into a wreck.)

    Condomning Consoling Behavior

    | ID, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I work support for a well-known gaming system. It’s Super Bowl Sunday, and it’s very slow due to everybody watching the game. However, we are getting plenty of prank calls.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Game Company]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

    (Note: the caller sounds like he is 13 years old at the most.)

    Caller: “Uh, yeah. How do I put on a condom?”

    Me: “Um, this is [Game Console] tech support. I can only help with [Game Console]-related questions. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

    Caller: “Well, you see, I wanted to have sex with my [Game Console], but I didn’t want to get it pregnant, so that’s why I need to know how to put on a condom.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, I guess you’d be happy to know that it is only a machine and therefore cannot get pregnant.”

    Caller: “Aw, sweet!”

    Me: “But I do need to point out that any liquid damage due to any related activities would void the warranty, and our technicians would not be able to accept it for any future repairs.”

    Caller: *click*

    Acting Hypertext

    | Denver, CO, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Theme Of The Month

    (I take escalated calls for a major cell phone provider.)

    Caller: “My son received a text from a wrong number, so I had his number changed. The lady I was speaking to waived the $15 fee, but we had to program the new number in, so I want a $50 credit.”

    (Note: it was one text asking for class notes, sent to the wrong number.)

    Me: “I apologize that you received a text from a wrong number, and I’m glad we could help, but we can’t give a credit for programming a phone.”

    Caller: *high-pitched, unintelligible, wordless shrieking*

    Me: “Ma’am, please stop yelling at me.”

    Caller: *shrieking doubles in volume*

    Me: “Ma’am, this is solving nothing.”

    Caller: *starts growling*

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to disconnect this call of you keep treating me this way. I don’t appreciate being yelled at.”

    Caller: *calmly* “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”

    (Later…)

    Supervisor: “Thanks for that call. I had to hang up on her. That was fun!”

    This Movie Is The Bee’s Knees

    | IL, USA | Bizarre, Movies & TV, Theme Of The Month

    (Our library has a new program where we showcase an artist’s work in our park next door. The first choice of art was a giant head made of discarded wood. After it was replaced, I have this conversation with a maintenance page.)

    Page: “I like the new sculpture much better. The giant head was a bit weird.”

    Me: “Yeah, it reminded me of The Wicker Man.”

    Page: “What’s that?”

    Me: “It’s a horror movie. The newer one has Nicolas Cage—”

    (Suddenly, a library patron nearby begins shouting.)

    Patron: “Not the bees! NOT THE BEES!”

    Page: “I have got to see this movie.”

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