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    Category: Bizarre

    For whatever reason, some Customers are just plain odd. And the service industry unleashes them on to unsuspecting clerks with often hilarious results. If you like your customers just plain bizarre, then read on!

    Maybe They Already Hit Their Head

    | CA, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s roughly an hour before closing time, which is when things start to wind down. However, in pops one middle-aged and very confused-looking customer holding a helmet.)

    Me: “Howdy, ma’am! Do you need any help?”

    Customer: “Um… well I’m very confused. My sister—she lives in Hawaii, you know—she bought me this helmet, and, I don’t know why this is, but it’s too small.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am! Would you like to look at some of our helme—”

    Customer: “I just don’t understand! Why would my sister buy me a helmet that’s too small? It doesn’t make sense! It should fit me no matter what!”

    (This dialogue continues for several minutes, each time with me explaining something partially before the customer returns to going on about how she’s confused. Eventually I do manage to bring her over to the helmet displays.)

    Me: “The helmets start at $35, and we do have a model that’s the same as what your sister gave you, but it comes in diff—”

    Customer: “There’s so many! Why are there so many different helmets? This is very confusing to me!”

    (I take the time to quickly and simply explain differences—or so I think.)

    Customer: “That doesn’t make any sense. I’m so confused! Let me try on this one! Is this one going to fit me?”

    Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. It should fit. Why don’t you try it on?”

    (She does eventually try on the helmet, after much deliberation and stating that she’s confused. This continues for another half hour. Eventually, she’s decided on a helmet, and I think I”m finally out of this ordeal.)

    Me: “You made a good choice, ma’am! Now let me just go ahead get this back in the box and ring you up!”

    (The customer stares blankly into space for a few moments.)

    Customer: “I’m… I don’t know what to think. I’ll have to go home and think about this more. I’m very confused.” *leaves*

    (My coworker, who has witnessed the entire lengthy exchange, speaks up.)

    Coworker: “Dude, I’m so, so sorry.”

    Me: *pained, sheepish grin*

    Was Not Performed In Chest

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in the lingerie department of a large department store. A man and his wife walk in. The wife goes to look at our clearance racks, while her husband comes up to me.)

    Man: “What bra size do you think I am?”

    (The man attempts to puff out his chest, which amounts to little as he is flat-chested. I’m kind of taken aback, but I go with it.)

    Me: “I’m not sure.”

    Man: “Well, you measure people, right? Measure me!”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t know if that’s—”

    Man: “Come on! Measure me!”

    (I grab my measuring tape and ask him to hold his arms up. He kind of dances around a bit, but I ignore him. I go to wrap the tape around his chest, which is a little awkward since I basically have to hug him.)

    Me: “You’re a 42 band size—”

    (Suddenly, the man leans in to kiss me. I jump way back.)

    Me: “Woah! Personal bubble!”

    (By now, his wife has returned. The man tries to explain.)

    Man: *to his wife* “It’s her fault! She’s giving me a look!”

    (The man and his wife leave soon after, but not before his wife comes and gives me a quick apology for her husband’s behavior!)

    Best Left To His Own Company

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer is trying to return a computer he has had for over six months.)

    Me: “Sorry, you can’t return it now, but we may be able to fix it. What’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t get online anymore.”

    (I start working on the computer, and find the antivirus has expired and locked down the browser. This is a sneaky trick some antivirus software does to get you to renew.)

    Me: “I removed your expired AV. Your browser is working. You will need new AV.”

    Customer: “Awesome, that’s great. Hey do you have those cameras that go up high?”

    Me: “…Cameras that go up high?”

    Customer: “Yeah, like those.”

    (He points to the store’s security cameras.)

    Me: “Oh, security cameras? No, we don’t sell anything like that.”

    Customer: “But [Other Store] sells them.”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but we are a different company.”

    (As I answer him, the customer looks very strange; it’s as if he is no longer all there mentally. He begins muttering to himself.)

    Customer: “Different company? Diff-erent company… Different comp-any…”

    (The customer picks up his computer and walks off, all the while continuing to mutter and stare directly into the lights in the ceiling. After he leaves, my coworker speaks up.)

    Coworker: “…What just happened?”

    Driving In Laps

    | Ohrid, Macedonia | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

    (I used to work as a police officer back in old Yugoslavia. One summer night, I do a routine stop for a speeder. Surprisingly, it’s an old Fiat 500. I walk up and the window rolls down. I see the driver, a man. On his lap is a woman.)

    Me: “Um, sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?”

    Man: “Yes, I think I was speeding.”

    Me: “You think? Well, it’s also because you have a woman on your lap.”

    Man: “What are you talking about? I don’t have anyone on my lap!”

    Me: “Sir, I am not stupid. There is a woman on your lap!”

    Man: “Officer, I assure you there is no woman on my lap! Have you been drinking tonight?”

    Me: “Okay, then. Sir, please step out of the car.”

    Man: “What? I’ve done nothing wron—”

    Me: “Step out of the car, sir.”

    (The man comes out and so does the woman on his lap. As they exit, I look into the car and see another man in the passenger seat, also with a woman on his lap.)

    Me: “Everyone step out of the car!”

    (The other man and his woman friend step out as well, but unbelievably I see another 6 women come out of the back seat, 3 of whom had been sitting on the other women’s laps. As they all line up in front of me, I still can’t believe my eyes. 10 people—2 men and 8 women—somehow piled into this one tiny little car. I was so astonished that I let them go! I just made sure no one was drunk and that the driver had an open lap. Even then, I still followed them home to make sure they didn’t get into a wreck.)

    Condomning Consoling Behavior

    | ID, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I work support for a well-known gaming system. It’s Super Bowl Sunday, and it’s very slow due to everybody watching the game. However, we are getting plenty of prank calls.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Game Company]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

    (Note: the caller sounds like he is 13 years old at the most.)

    Caller: “Uh, yeah. How do I put on a condom?”

    Me: “Um, this is [Game Console] tech support. I can only help with [Game Console]-related questions. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

    Caller: “Well, you see, I wanted to have sex with my [Game Console], but I didn’t want to get it pregnant, so that’s why I need to know how to put on a condom.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, I guess you’d be happy to know that it is only a machine and therefore cannot get pregnant.”

    Caller: “Aw, sweet!”

    Me: “But I do need to point out that any liquid damage due to any related activities would void the warranty, and our technicians would not be able to accept it for any future repairs.”

    Caller: *click*

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