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    Category: Bizarre

    For whatever reason, some Customers are just plain odd. And the service industry unleashes them on to unsuspecting clerks with often hilarious results. If you like your customers just plain bizarre, then read on!

    Highly Screwed

    | Muskogee, OK, USA | Bizarre, Home Improvement

    (I am working late evening, when a customer comes in near closing time. He is high on something and brings a 4 ft tall bong.)

    Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

    Customer: “Well… umm… I broke it.”

    Me: “Broke what?”

    Customer: “I broke my smoker.”

    Me: “Okay… what can I do to help you?”

    Customer: “Screw. I need a screw. I think a screw will fix it. Or maybe something else. A screw. I need a screw. I need a screw!”

    (I try to help him find the right screw, but he’s not thinking. He walks away, with his screw, and, I’m sure, another chance to get high again.)

    Customer: “Need a screw. Need a screw. Need a screw…”

    Quick To Find Fault With Being Quick To Finding Fault

    | Manchester, England, UK | Bizarre, Time

    Me: “Hello. IT Help Desk. [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

    Caller: “Yes. I logged a job the other day. It’s been resolved already, so I’d just like to close it.”

    (I proceed to take the reference number. I load the job up, thinking this will be a quick and easy call.)

    Me: “Okay. That’s all sorted for you. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

    Caller: “Yes. I’d just like to ask. When I phoned the other day and logged this fault, someone came and fixed it five minutes later.”

    Me: “Well I’m… glad to hear that?”

    Caller: “No, but—why, when I wasted all that time trying to get through to you, did no one tell me it had already been logged?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, ma’am, we have a dozen staff taking hundreds of calls from thousands of users. If you tell us there’s a fault to log we can only take your word for it.”

    (This clearly wasn’t the right answer. The user gets more and more agitated.)

    Caller: “Yes, but, don’t you keep track of these things? Can’t you keep track of all these jobs? Why couldn’t someone have told me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you’d told us you didn’t know whether or not it was logged, we could’ve investigated. We could have spent time trying to ascertain if a call had already been made to us regarding the issue. We certainly couldn’t do that as a routine matter for every call we receive.”

    Caller: “I just don’t understand why the person I spoke to didn’t know! My time is very valuable. I’m a very busy person. I wasted a lot of time on that call!”

    (This goes back and forth for a while. We’re reaching the 10 minute mark.)

    Me: “I can only apologise again that we were unaware your fault had already been logged before you called. However, with all due respect, you didn’t know either. It is your printer. Also, even if we had told you, your complaint was about the length of time it took you to get through. It was time you would’ve wasted whether or not we logged your duplicate call. Finally, ma’am, your complaint is that you wasted your valuable time speaking to IT unnecessarily. Yet you’ve been going around in circles about this with me for 10 minutes now. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how else to answer your question. I am happy to hear that we were able to resolve your issue so quickly, though.”

    Caller: *click*

    And The Father Of Despair Is On Aisle Three

    | MT, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Funny Names

    (I am doing a return for a customer. She is getting money back for it. I have to get a manager to come up to open the register. To do so, I call over our walkie-talkies.)

    Me: “Can I get an M.O.D to customer service?”

    Customer: “M.O.D?”

    Me: “Oh, M.O.D just means ‘manager on duty.’”

    Customer: “Oh! I thought it stood for ‘Mother of Destruction!’”

    Nothing But Air Between His Bun

    , | Hertfordshire, England, UK | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (I work in a burger restaurant. We’ve just started a new promotion with two new burgers.)

    Me: “Hi there. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, umm… Can I try your new burger?”

    Me: “Sure. Is that the cheddar burger or the Mediterranean chicken burger?”

    Customer: “Uh… what’s the difference?”

    Me: “The cheddar burger is a beef burger with cheddar cheese, while the Mediterranean is a chicken burger with peppers and salsa.”

    Customer: “I… I don’t know?”

    Me: “This one…” *points to picture* “…is our new beef burger, and this one…” *points to another picture* “…is our new chicken burger.”

    Customer: “Oh right! So, can I get the new one?”

    Me: “Chicken or beef, sir?”

    Customer: “Uh… chicken? I guess?

    Me: “So, just to check you want the Mediterranean chicken burger? This burger here?”

    Customer: “I think so.”

    Me: “Okay. Anything else for you?”

    Customer: “So, what have I ordered?”

    Me: “This burger here, sir.” *points to picture again* “The Mediterranean chicken burger.”

    Customer: “Wait, what’s in it?”

    Me: “Crispy chicken, peppers, lettuce, salsa and mayo. Is that okay?”

    Customer: “Yeah, sounds good!”

    (I hand the customer his meal and he walks off. He’s back about 10 minutes later, with half of the burger.)

    Customer: “Erm, this isn’t what I ordered.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I thought you wanted the Mediterranean chicken?”

    Customer: “No. I wanted the new burger. That one!” *points at cheddar burger picture*

    Me: “Oh, right… Okay. I’ll just get that for you. Have you already eaten half of the chicken burger?”

    Customer: “Yeah, sorry! I didn’t realise until now that it wasn’t the beef one.”

    Not Just The Cream Turning Sour

    | Wichita, KS, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

    (This week, we’re running a deal on a certain brand of sour cream. A customer starts loading her groceries onto the belt.)

    Me: “Hi! Is that it for you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, dear! That’s all.”

    (I make small talk with her while I’m ringing her out. Then I notice that she has two tubs of the sour cream on sale.)

    Me: “I have some good news! We’re running an awesome special on this sour cream right now. If you want to grab another one, it’ll be free.”

    (The customer freezes and stares at me, her eyes wide.)

    Customer: “…excuse me?”

    Me: “Er, it’s three-for-two? We have a refurbi—”

    Customer: “GET ME YOUR MANAGER RIGHT NOW!”

    (I ring my manager immediately, because her transformation was, frankly, terrifying.)

    Manager: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “This little c*** tried to charge me for three tubs of sour cream! Do you treat all of your customers this way? Do you ENJOY ripping people OFF and GUTTING THEM of their HARD-EARNED MONEY?”

    Manager: *turns to me* “What?”

    Me: “The three-for-two!” *I turn to the customer again* “Ma’am, I was trying to explain that you can get three for the price of two.”

    Customer: “C***! You just enjoy watching other people’s money get snatched away. You don’t care.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I promise. I wasn’t—”

    Manager: “Okay, okay. Everyone calm down.”

    (My manager nudges me toward the break room.)

    Manager: “I’ll finish up here.”

    (The customer shrieks as I make my way to the break room, demanding that I be prosecuted for larceny and threatening to call the police. Even when I am in the break room, I can still hear her. I call my girlfriend, hoping she can calm me down. My girlfriend also works in the store.)

    Girlfriend: “Wait. Wait. Does this woman have purple glasses?”

    Me: “…yes.”

    Girlfriend: “Oh, my God. Yeah, babe. I’m gonna go out and buy you a nice bottle of wine; how’s that?”

    (As it turns out, that woman had gone off on three other employees, including my girlfriend, on our old manager’s watch. She had been banned from the store until our new manager was hired. She actually tried to sue one of the cashiers for larceny!)

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