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    Category: Bizarre

    For whatever reason, some Customers are just plain odd. And the service industry unleashes them on to unsuspecting clerks with often hilarious results. If you like your customers just plain bizarre, then read on!

    Trying To Give A Dogged Defense

    | NC, USA | Bigotry, Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    (I’m a receptionist at a small animal hospital. I take a phone call.)

    Me: “[Hospital Name]. How may I help you?”

    Client: “Is it possible that my dog is gay?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Client: “I think my dog is gay, and my husband is very homophobic. He says we can’t keep the dog if it is gay.”

    Me: “What made you come to this conclusion, ma’am?”

    Client: “He sniffs other male dogs inappropriately. It makes the whole family uncomfortable.”

    Me: “Dogs often smell other dogs as a means of introduction, and they do smell each other’s hind end area to get acquainted. That is very common.”

    Client: “How do I make him stop this?”

    Me: “Is your dog neutered?”

    Client: “No, my husband does not want him neutered. He says it’s not fair to the dog.”

    Me: “Unaltered dogs can present these behaviors more frequently and sometimes can be more aggressive. It may help if you had him neutered.”

    Client: *yelling to her husband* “She says the dog won’t be gay anymore if we chop his balls off…” *a few moments of bickering between the couple* “Well, we can’t keep the dog if he’s gay, so when can we get him neutered?”

    Me: “Ma’am, neutering your dog will not stop him from sniffing other dogs. I was just suggesting that neutering him may calm him down and the behavior would be less frequent.”

    Client: “Can you just tell my husband that if we go through with the surgery that he won’t be gay anymore? I’m afraid he is going to make me give him up. He is terribly afraid of gays! He won’t even let the dog sleep in the bed until this gets figured out…”

    Bartenders Are Good Listeners, But Not That Good

    | England, UK | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m at the pub where my little brother works. A man wanders in and just stares at my brother behind the bar.)

    Brother: “Can I help you?”

    Man: *continues to stare*

    Brother: “Hello? What can I get you?”

    Man: “How much will that be?”

    Brother: “You haven’t actually ordered yet. What would you like?”

    Man: *stares more intently*

    Brother: *confused* “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not psychic.”

    Man: “Really? Oh, I’ll have a rum and coke then, please.”

    A Whirlwind Romance

    | Traverse City, MI, USA | Bizarre, Love/Romance

    (I am talking to a guest who walked out of the dining room and came into the gift shop to look around.)

    Me: “If you need anything or have any questions let me know.”

    Guest: “Well I do have a question: are you single?”

    Me: *hesitant* “Yes… Why?”

    Guest: “Well, I have as son who just got a promotion and needs a girlfriend. I was wondering if you would marry him for his money, power, or love?”

    Me: “I’d marry someone for love.”

    Guest: “Good. I don’t want to introduce him to someone who is just after his money and power.”

    Me: “Well, that’s good. Where does he work and what is his new position since he got his promotion?”

    Guest: “He’s the head operator of the ’tilt-a-whirl’ at the fair!”

    Me: *trying hard not to laugh* “Oh, well then, I’d marry him for his crazy amount of power!”

    Body Of Lies

    | Scotland, UK | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in the ‘special collections’ department for the local authority. My job is to cover the reception area and take any orders for special collections over the counter. Usually people come in to get things such as TVs, furniture, and such uplifted.)

    Customer: “Hi. Is this the right office for booking a collection?”

    Me: “Yes. How many items do you need uplifted?”

    Customer: “Just one.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem. Is this for a business a personal residence?”

    Customer: “Personal Residence.” *leans closer to me over the counter in a creepy manner* “Is there any way this can be done discreetly?”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “I mean, can you not record my details. Can I just have the uplift, and pay extra to not have my details logged?”

    Me: “Um… No, not really. That’s not how we do it. We have to record your details. Now, what do you need uplifted?”

    Customer: “A dead body.”

    (We stare at each other in silence whilst I have the biggest mental panic attack ever. A few seconds pass before the customer bursts out laughing.)

    Customer: “I am so sorry. I’m just messing with you. You’re face was priceless! I have ALWAYS wanted to do that!”

    (The customer left, still laughing, while I stood there with my mouth hanging open in complete shock and amusement.)

    A Sizeable Gap In Knowledge

    | UK | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink

    Me: “Hi. How can I help?”

    Customer: “I’d like a cappuccino, please, to take away.”

    Me: “A cappuccino to take away. No problem.”

    Customer: “Is that a large or a small?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Do I want a large or a small cappuccino?”

    Me: “I don’t know…”

    Customer: “Look. I just want to know if I want a large or a small!”


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