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    Category: Bizarre

    For whatever reason, some Customers are just plain odd. And the service industry unleashes them on to unsuspecting clerks with often hilarious results. If you like your customers just plain bizarre, then read on!

    Insufficient Data To Handle Any Alternative

    | Canada | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Movies & TV, Technology

    (I work as tech support over the phone for an Internet company. I cannot get the customer’s modem back online and need to book a technician to get the service up and running. Unfortunately it’s a Friday, and the next available tech isn’t until Monday.)

    Customer: “Well, this is just great! Now I’m going to have to use my cell phone to watch movies all weekend, and that’s going to use up all my data! You need to give me a credit to cover my extra data usage!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t have the ability to give you a credit for your cell phone data plan.”

    Customer: “So now I won’t have Internet all weekend, and my data’s all going to get used up to watch movies!”

    Me: “I do have you on the priority cancellation list, so they will call you if another appointment does open up before then. If it does, they’ll call you and make sure the time works for you; they won’t just come out without any notice. But of course I can’t guarantee a spot will open up.”

    Customer: “That’s great, but what about my data?”

    Me: “Well… You don’t have to watch movies on your cell phone.”

    Customer: “No, I do! I don’t have any choice! My Internet’s down so the only way I have to watch movies is on my cell!”

    Me: “No, I mean you don’t have to watch any movies.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “I mean, I understand your Internet’s not working and if you watch movies on your cell it’ll be a big hit to your data plan. But you don’t have to actually watch movies.”

    Customer: “What do you mean? I only have my cell. It’s the only connection that’s working right now.”

    Me: “You don’t have to watch movies. You could do something else.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand what you mean.”

    One Large Popcorn, Extra Salty

    | Aldershot, England, UK | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I am working the concessions counter for the evening. It’s been a hectic shift when two customers in their 20s approach me.)

    Me: “How can I help today?”

    Male Customer: “Hey, yeah, can we get a large popcorn and a small popcorn? And uh, can you do us a favour? This is going to sound really weird…”

    Me: “Go for it!”

    Male Customer: “Well, uh. My friend and I have been playing jokes on each other for a while, and I was wondering if you could help out?”

    Me: “Uh… yeah, sure.”

    Male Customer: “Great! Could you uh, put this in the small popcorn and cover it with the popcorn so my friend cant see it?”

    (The female customer pulls out a rather large adult toy from her handbag and hands it to me as discreetly as possible – at this point I couldn’t help but laugh or deal with the customer by myself.)

    Me: “Hey, uh, [Coworker], do you think this will fit in a small popcorn bag?”

    (My coworker walks over looking mortified.)

    Coworker: “If you want to successfully hide that, I would really suggest a large popcorn.”

    Male Customer: “Okay! Change the small to a large please!”

    (I took the object behind the counter so no one could see and filled up the bag as requested and processed their order.)

    Woman Customer: “I’m really sorry. They’ve been doing this for a while now.”

    Me: *still laughing at this point* “No, no, it’s okay. This is probably the best thing to happen whilst working here. I hope it turns out all right!”

    (After they left my coworker and I had to take a moment to stop laughing and then we had to tell other coworkers and supervisors about it. To this day, I still don’t know if it was against policy or if a manager saw, but those two customers made that shift so much better!)

    A Dual Personality

    | TX, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    Me: “Hello! How are you? What can I get you?”

    Customer: “Hey! Can I get a margarita?”

    Me: “Sure, would you like that dressed?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Awesome! Would you like salt or sugar?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “…Umm. Which one?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “…I got that. But with what?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Right… So, I don’t think you’re listening to me… Salt. Or sugar. Or even maybe both. Which option?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    (I go get the salt and sugar shakers.)

    Me: “Okay. Salt-” *I wave the salt shaker* “-or sugar?” *I wave the sugar shaker* “Or perhaps both?” *I wave them both*

    Customer: “Yes! Yes!”

    Me: “Yes to what?!”

    Customer: “I said yes already! Yes!”

    Me: “Right… That’ll be $7.”

    (I did both. She never came back to complain, to my knowledge, so I suppose I guessed correctly?)

    Just Telling It Like It Is

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Bizarre

    (Two customers approach the counter, the first being a tall, bald man and the second being an elderly lady.)

    Customer: “Hi. I’m every customer ever, and I have a bunch of stupid questions and unreasonable demands.”

    Me: “Hi. I’m every employee ever, and I present a negative attitude as well as an unforgivable ignorance of both the products my employer sells and how to conduct myself civilly with other human beings.”

    Customer: “Like an idiot, I have approached you with no idea what I want. But I nevertheless expect you to keep your full attention on me while I waste your time.”

    Me: “That’s fine. I’ve already tuned you out and began to sing the theme song to Duck Tales to myself in my head as you bring us collectively closer to death without having accomplished anything meaningful.”

    Customer: “Regarding [liquor], I will now proceed to barrage you with questions about it that either you have no way of knowing, or which I should already d*** well know the answers to.”

    (I hand him a bottle of the liquor he mentioned and start to ring it up.)

    Me: “I respond to your worthless questions with vague and unsatisfying responses, as my cranial faculties are occupied with lewd and lascivious irrelevancies. That will be [price], you personification of the downfall of western civilization.”

    Customer: “I object to the price quoted, even though it is clearly indicated on the shelf behind you, and suggest some sort of extortion on your part, undoubtedly fueled by prejudice towards some aspect of my appearance, race, culture, or creed.”

    Me: “Although mentally I am most certainly questioning your intelligence, parentage and/or upbringing, I merely offer transparently insincere apologies.”

    Customer: “I proclaim in brash and vulgar terms my dissatisfaction. I make a laughable and grandiose claim of my own importance, such as being a millionaire, the brother of your company’s CEO, or perhaps the good old-fashioned ‘Do you have any idea who I am?’ I further suggest that I could have you fired effortlessly and fully intend to do so for the insufficient quantity of butt-kissing you have exhibited toward me over the course of this transaction.”

    Me: “I sadly inform you that my superior is not present on the premises and unhelpfully refer you to the company help line. Quietly I memorize the details of your face so that I can fantasize about committing acts of unspeakable and grotesque violence toward same at some later date.”

    (The customer begins walking out the door.)

    Customer: “Vague and impotent threat to your person and questioning of your sexual orientation!”

    Me: “Sarcastic suggestion to have a nice day!”

    (He walks out the door. The old lady behind him looks thoroughly perplexed by our exchange.)

    Old Lady: “Who was that?”

    Me: *shrugging* “My manager.”

    Rabbiting On

    | UK | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m working at my till when an old lady in a wheelchair approaches me. Our rabbit hutches are situated right next to our office that keeps the safe inside.)

    Customer: “Hello, dear. I was wondering if you could give me some advice about your rabbit hutches.”

    Me: “Of course. Is it just for one rabbit or two?”

    Customer: “Oh, it would be two.”

    (I take her over to the hutches and show her around explaining the features of each one.)

    Customer: “I don’t have much room in my husband’s car and I really need one for today. Do you sell them un-built?”

    Me: “I can grab a flat packed one from out the back if you’d like?”

    Customer: “Could you bring one out to show me so I can see if it will fit?”

    (I run out to our storage area and grab a flat-packed version of the hutch she had asked for. When I bring it out her attitude has completely changed.)

    Me: “Here you go. This is the one. It’s really simple to build and will only take ten minutes.”

    Customer: “FOR GOD’S SAKE. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GRAB ONE GODD*** ITEM FOR ME?! DON’T BOTHER WITH IT. I’LL JUST GO SOMEWHERE ELSE WHERE THEY DON’T TREAT THEIR CUSTOMERS LIKE S***!”

    (I stand there in stunned silence as the customer quickly leaves the store, cursing frequently under her breath. Later on my manager, who ran home from work, couldn’t find his trainers which he leaves in the office. We decide to look on the CCTV to check if anyone has moved them. The video shows me walking off to get the hutch for the customer. When I leave she proceeds to get out of her wheelchair, enter the office (which has a combination lock on it), and try to open the safe. After failing to open it she grabs my manager’s trainers, shoves them in her handbag, and returns to the wheelchair.)

    Manager: “Who the h*** was she?”

    Me: “I think I almost sold the Devil a rabbit hutch today…”

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