(I’m an online chat agent for a phone company. I help customers choose and order cell phones and plans through online chat.)

Customer: “Do you carry [mobile broadband plan]?”

Me: “Yes, we do! Would you like me to help you choose the right plan for you?”

Customer: “No. You’re automatic s***! I wanted to talk to an actual employee! No way I’m ever using [company] again.”

Me: “I assure you I’m in fact human. Now, do you want to continue?”

Customer: “I don’t believe you. Who’s our finance minister?”

(I tell her the name of Germany’s finance minister.)

Customer: “Oh, sorry, then. I just assumed because you were typing so neatly! Yeah, let’s keep going.”

(I help her figure out what’s the perfect internet plan for her needs. I make sure to do some small talk and deliberately add a typo here or there.)

Customer: “Thanks, that was really helpful! I’ll go buy it at the store, then.”

(I’m bummed because I have spent a lot of time helping her and I was looking forward to my commission. I won’t get this commission if she orders through the store.)

Me: “You’re welcome, but I could give you 25€ off if you order with me. It’s a matter of five minutes, tops.”

Customer: “No, thanks. I want to buy from an actual person, not a computer. Bye!” *hangs up*

(It’s towards the end of my work day, and I grab at the first item in a customer’s order right as she swipes her card.)

Me: “I’m sorry, your card did not read as I hadn’t scanned the first item yet.”

Customer: “NOOO!”

Me: *surprised* “Huh?”

Customer: “You have ROBOT-ITIS!”

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “You said that like you say it a million times a day! Put more feeling into it, Miss Robot!”

(A customer in her 40s approaches me to ask where something is. As I am answering her question, she notices my name tag.)

Customer: “Oh! I didn’t realize they had to give you names! How nice of them to try and give you more of an identity!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, since you’re a robot and all.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you that I’m a person. In fact…” *I point to my pregnant belly* “…I’m a person growing ANOTHER person.”

Customer: “No, no, can’t be. That documentary with Bruce Willis said workers were being replaced with robots.”

Me: “…You mean Surrogates?”

Customer: “That’s the one!”

Me: “Ma’am, that was a movie. Didn’t you watch the whole thing?”

Customer: “Oh, no. Just a chunk in the middle I think. It was rather over-dramatic for a documentary, and I just couldn’t get into it. Got the gist of it though! Don’t worry, I don’t mind that you’re a robot. Technology today! WONDERFUL!” *walks away*

Me: *speechless*

Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant's name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ll have—”

(The customer finally makes eye contact and then stares at me for a couple of seconds.)

Me: “Ma’am? Is everything all right?”

Customer: “Your eyes…”

(I typically get compliments on my blue eyes, so I just smile.)

Me: “Thank you. What can I get for you?”

(The customer is still transfixed on my eyes.)

Customer: *slowly* “Are… they real?”

Me: “Um, yes.”

Customer: “Are they yours?”

Me: *laughing* “No, I stole them from a corpse.”

(I realize that she thinks I’m serious.)

Me: “They’re my real eyes! I was born with them.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Positive.”

Customer: *orders and quickly leaves, staring cautiously at my eyes the whole time*

Related:
An Eye For An Eyepatch

(My mother needs a new cellphone plan, and I agree to tag along with her. Please note that my mom is in her mid 60s, five feet tall, and incredibly sweet and polite, especially to strangers.)

Sales Rep: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Mom: “Hello! It seems I need to update my cell phone plan, if that’s not too much trouble.”

Sales Rep: “Of course not. I’d be happy to assist you with that. *looks up my mom’s account* “Ah, okay, it looks like we no longer offer your original plan, so let’s go over your new options…”

(Without warning, my mother mutates into a Nightmare Customer from Hades.)

Mom: “I DON’T WANT A NEW PLAN! I LIKED THE OLD PLAN! WHY DON’T YOU OFFER IT ANYMORE?! THIS IS HORRIBLE SERVICE!”

Sales Rep: *visibly startled* “I’m… I’m sorry, ma’am, but if you’ll take a look at our current plans, I’m sure we’ll find you a great deal on something that…”

Mom: “Why are you doing this to me? Your company obviously doesn’t care about its customers! Fix this situation immediately, or I’m taking my business elsewhere!”

(At this point, everyone in the store is staring at us, and the sales rep looks like she may start crying.)

Me: “Mother, what is wrong with you?! Why are you acting like this?”

Mom: *suddenly herself again* “Oh dear, nothing’s wrong at all! But if a store has a policy you don’t like, what you do is get really mean with the salespeople and take out your aggression on them. Then the salespeople call their corporate headquarters to inform the CEO that a customer is unhappy, and the policy gets changed!”

(She smiles brightly. The store is silent as both customers and employees attempt to process her logic.)

Me: *to the sales rep* “We’ll take this plan right here, and I’ll explain everything else to her in the car…”