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    Category: Bizarre

    For whatever reason, some Customers are just plain odd. And the service industry unleashes them on to unsuspecting clerks with often hilarious results. If you like your customers just plain bizarre, then read on!

    Wiggled Out Of That One

    | West Chester, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

    (I am the stupid customer in this one. I have just bought a wig from a friend for a costume I am working on and am wearing it to break it in and get used to the feel. I am also wearing contacts, but keep my glasses in my pocket in case the contacts begin to irritate me. I go to a local corner store for a pack of cigarettes.)

    Cashier: “May I see your ID?”

    Me: (*gives ID*)

    Cashier: “…um. Sir, this isn’t you.”

    Me: “What do you mean it’s– Oh, s***. One moment.”

    (I remove the wig and put on my glasses.)

    Me: “Better?”

    Cashier: (*confused*) “I, um… Sure, that’s a match.”

    Time Waits For No Chinaman

    | TX, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Math & Science, Time

    (An older customer approaches my cash register.)

    Customer: “Did you know that all the reality TV shows you watch today are 35 years old?”

    (I look up to see if he was joking as some people with odd senses of humor come in my store. He isn’t.)

    Customer: “Yeah! Five years ago I created a virus that turned all the TV transponder clocks back 50 years to 2008. At my old house, I received a TV station from China that was all in English and they said that the year was 2100. If you believe that the year is actually 2014 you are sadly mistaken.”

    (I am still speechless. I don’t know if I should mention the inconsistencies in the time that it actually is or is not, so I just ring up his purchases. After the customer leaves, the next customer approaches.)

    Next Customer: “It is kind of a scary thought that that man is allowed to operate a motor vehicle!”

    Me: “Yeah. I figured I shouldn’t tell him that I have actually lived in China and we pretty much agree on what year it is.”

    (The man’s purchases: two Neil Diamond cassette tapes easily over 30 years old. Maybe he was stocking up for the next time he releases the virus again!)

    Fire Breathing Dragon

    | Salem, OR, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a pet cremation place. I pick up a call.)

    Caller: “Hello. Is this [Business Name]?”

    Me: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Well, my son’s lizard just passed away. He’s quite upset over it and was wanting to get it cremated. Do you cremate bearded dragons?”

    (I can hear her son crying in the background.)

    Me: “Yes, we do. So long as the animal fits in the ovens, we’ll cremate them. I’m sorry about your son’s lizard. How old is he?”

    Caller: “My son’s 15, but he’s autistic, and this lizard was his best friend.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry for him.”

    Caller: “Thank you. Would it be possible to bring the lizard in today?”

    Me: “Yes, if you can bring it by about 2:00 pm.”

    Boy: *overheard* “Mom, he’s breathing!”

    Caller: *not listening to him* “That’s nice, honey.” *to me* “Should we bring the lizard in a box? We have him in a tissue box now.”

    Boy: “See, mom?”

    Caller: “Oh s***! F****** h***! He just thrust the lizard into my face and it’s moving! What the h*** did you do, [Boy’s Name]!?”

    Boy: “I flipped him over to check his pulse and he started moving. He isn’t dead!”

    (I can hear the boy laughing now, and talking to the lizard.)

    Caller: “Apparently the lizard isn’t dead, and we won’t be bringing him in. Sorry for wasting your time. Have a good day.”

    Funny Money

    , | LA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Money

    (I am working in the drive thru lane. A car with two women in it pulls up. Both look strung out, like they are on drugs.)

    Me: “That’ll be [total].”

    (The driver doesn’t say anything to me but pulls a bill out of her wallet, smells it carefully, then nods to herself.)

    Customer: “Okay. This one’s good.”

    (She hands me the money and I try not to be too obvious that I’m very gingerly handling it. I washed my hands after they left, just in case!)

    Truthfully, He’s Totally Peanuts

    | PA, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (My primary job at this store is cashier; however, today is my first day hanging tags. I begin in the organic and bulk sections when a customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “I’m so glad you’re here [My Name]. You see, [My Name], it’s been a while since I’ve been in here, and I’m so glad that you have a bulk section. You see, [My Name], I love those peanut clusters. I would love to buy a bag of them, but I think it’s only right that I could sample them. So what do you say, [My Name]? Will you let me sample the wonderful peanut clusters?”

    Me: “Uhm, I’m not really the person you should be asking…”

    Customer: “Well, [My Name], then you and I shall go together. [My Name], we will find the truth. I am a man of honesty. I honestly do want to buy a bag, but I think it’s only right that I sample it. I’ve been to other [Store] and I fell in love with the peanut clusters. But I just have to know, [My Name]. I just have to know if they are the same wonderful peanut clusters.”

    (The customer leans forward, pulling open his shirt pocket. Inside are flower petals.)

    Customer: “I have eight of these petals. I give one to you, [My Name]. Because it represents the truth that we will find.”

    (I look around. Not seeing anyone from produce nearby, I begin to lead him to the front end where the front-end supervisor or the service desk clerks could call someone, or maybe even run into a manager on the way there.)

    Customer: “I don’t see [Manager] anywhere. She’s usually here. And I’m glad [Produce Employee] isn’t here. [Produce Employee] is a [homophobic slur]. He’s a nice guy, [My Name], but he’s a [homophobic slur].”

    (We reach the service desk. My coworker talks to the customer.)

    Coworker: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “You see, [Coworker], [My Name] and I wanted to know the truth. Your lovely peanut clusters over there, I’ve had some at another store, and they were most wonderful. But you see, [Coworker], I want to know the truth if they are the same delicious peanut clusters as the others. I would love to buy a bag, but I think it’s only right that I sample one. [Coworker], do you know the truth that [My Name] and I are trying to learn?”

    (My coworker glances at me nervously.)

    Coworker: “Uh…” *pointing to grocery manager nearby* “He’s the one you need to talk to.”

    (Overhearing us, the manager comes up to the service desk, followed by the front end supervisor.)

    Customer: “[My Name], will you please tell [Manager] about the truth we wish to learn. We need to learn the truth.”

    Manager: “I don’t have time for the truth.”

    Customer: “You hear that, [My Name]? [Manager] has no time for the truth!”

    Manager: “I’m afraid of the truth.”

    Me: “He just wanted to know if—”

    Customer: “No. I’m done here. He has no time for the truth.”

    (The customer left, and the manager went back to work as if nothing happened.)


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