For whatever reason, some Customers are just plain odd. And the service industry unleashes them on to unsuspecting clerks with often hilarious results. If you like your customers just plain bizarre, then read on!
(I work in a New Age sort of store, so we get some interesting types.)
Customer: “I’m the son of Jesus and am preparing for World War III. Do you own any guns?”
Me: “Yeah, I do actually.”
Customer: “Good! You can come fight with me and my friends when the armies come.”
Me: “Um… no thanks. I actually have my own apocalypse plan, in case of zombies and stuff.”
Customer: “Oh, okay. Well, make sure that when it happens, you watch out for any Marines you see!”
Me: *shocked* “My brother is a Marine!”
Customer: *shakes head sadly* “He’s lost. He’s a cyborg. You’ll have to destroy him before he destroys you!”
Me: “Thanks for the heads up…”
(I’m pregnant, and have just had an ultrasound that has confirmed that I am having a boy. The guest in question is a regular every weekend.)
Guest: “Oh, you’re pregnant!”
Me: “Yes, I am.”
(The guest reaches out and grabs my stomach.)
Guest: “It’s a girl! I can tell, and I’m never wrong!”
Me: “Actually, I’m having a boy.”
Guest: “No, you’re not. I am never wrong. It’s definitely a girl!”
(Every time I see the guest after this, she informs the table that I’m having a girl, and emphatically states that she is never, ever wrong about these things. After my son is born, the first time I see her at work, she flags me over to her table again.)
Guest: “Oh, you had your baby! Did you have a boy or a girl?”
Me: *laughing* “I had a boy.”
Guest: “Congratulations! See? I told you that I was never wrong! I knew that it was a boy all along!”
(This happens around Easter. A man in an Easter Bunny suit comes riding a unicycle into the parking lot and enters the shop.)
Me: “Hey there, Easter Bunny!”
Easter Bunny: “Donuts? Sick! I’ll have three strawberry, three cherry, and three blueberry, glazed, and with frosting and sprinkles!”
Me: *hands him the bag* “Anything else?”
Easter Bunny: “Nah! Donuts! Sick!”
(The Easter Bunny suddenly SLAMS his head on the counter, which would have been quite painful if not for the headpiece on his costume. An egg rolls out seemingly from nowhere and onto the counter. He walks out without another word, hops onto his unicycle and rides off. The egg contained exact change—plus a labeled five dollar tip!)
Customer: “I’ll have my ciabatta loaf and a small latte.”
Me: “That comes to $9.90.”
(The customer hands me a $10 dollar bill, and I give her 10 cents change. Then, she produces her loyalty card. I see that she is up for a free coffee.)
Me: “Oh, you’re due for your free coffee. I’ll give you some extra change back.” *I hand her the extra change*
Customer: “No! I don’t want it! I don’t want the money!”
Me: “But you’ve earned a free coffee.”
Customer: “I come in here EVERY time and I order a ciabatta loaf and a coffee, and it comes to $9.90. I give you a $10 note, and I give you a 10 cent tip!”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry… did you want to save your free coffee for another day? It’s alright. I can—”
Customer: “No, it’s NOT alright! I didn’t want the free coffee! I don’t want it! You don’t get your 10 cent tip today!”
Me: “Okay… well, I’ll just have to wear that.”
Customer: “Stupid woman. You don’t get your 10 cent tip today!” *leaves*
Conspiracy Theories! In this week’s roundup, we feature five stories of customers getting kooky over conspiracies!
- Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia (8,490 thumbs up)
This frantic 911 caller begs to be delivered from evil… with a side of breadsticks, of course!
- His Groceries Have Just Been Terminated (2,750 thumbs up)
Now hiring at the grocery store: managers, stockers, Skynet…
- We Can Thank Hollywood And “Hacker” Films For This (2,649 thumbs up)
Tech Support: 1337 h@x0rz in ur carz, pwning ur batteriez!
- In CyberSpace, No One Can Hear You Scream (2,374 thumbs up)
Tinfoil is a proven anti-alien deterrent, but only if you wrap the dog, too.
- Lost In Translation (2,585 thumbs up)
Don’t translate this, because the government kills translators!
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PS #2: Read more roundups here!