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    Category: Bizarre

    For whatever reason, some Customers are just plain odd. And the service industry unleashes them on to unsuspecting clerks with often hilarious results. If you like your customers just plain bizarre, then read on!

    Flogging A Dead Animal

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

    (As one of the eight fast-food restaurants that is within walking distance to the three college campuses in our town, our joint gets it’s fair share of college kids. And idiots. We are extremely busy on Thanksgiving when this happens.)

    Me: *answering the phone as I take a guest’s money* “Happy Thanksgiving! How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I want to file a complaint.”

    Me: “Oh. Well, sir, our manager is really busy right now making food; can I help you, instead?”

    Caller: “I came into your restaurant earlier today, and I got a [Burger] sandwich. I took it home, and tried to eat it, but my dog took it from me, and now he’s dead.”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Caller: “Well?! I want something done!”

    (At this point, I hear sniggering in the background, and realize that this is another prank-call. I fake a laugh, and hang up the phone, getting back to work with our huge queue. Minutes later, the phone rings again.)

    Me: “Happy Thanksgiving! How can I help you?”

    Same Caller: “Yeah, I have to file a complaint. I came into your store earlier, and I ordered a [Burger] for my cat. When I got home and fed it to her, she died! How are you going to fix this?”

    Me: “I’ll get a manager, sir.”

    (I hang up the phone instead, and tend to people who are actually PAYING for my attentions. When the phone rings again, and I recognize the number, I ask my manager if I can take the call at the counter instead, just so I can stop running around.)

    Caller: “I’m calling to report—”

    Me: “Sir, are you calling to report that one of our [Burger]s killed a beloved family animal?”

    Same Caller: “Yes. That is exactly why I am calling!”

    Me: “Sir, I am so, SO sorry about that. We’ve gotten a lot of calls today about our deadly sandwich, and obviously, that can’t continue.”

    Same Caller: “I know. It SUCKS!”

    Me: “Sir, please accept our fullest apologies for the agony we have put you through in this mourning. We are prepared to make amends. Do you still have the receipt for the purchase?”

    Same Caller: *obviously a little confused by the change in conversation* “Uh… no.”

    Me: *cheerily* “Oh, well, that’s okay! You don’t need to have proof of purchase. Tell me, do you still have the bag from your sandwich?”

    Same Caller: “Yeah…”

    Me: “Good. Now, sir, is the body of the animal nearby?”

    Same Caller: “Yes, it’s over there.”

    Me: *grinning* “Then sir, I have excellent news! We will be able to help you today! If you can just take the carcass of your deceased pet, pick it up, and place it in the bag, we will be able to accept it as currency at this time.”

    (My manager is giving me the death glare, but several of my guests on counter are laughing, so I continue.)

    Same Caller: “WHAT?”

    Me: “Well, sir, you don’t have a receipt, and we can’t in all good conscience allow you to be miserable over this. So, just this once, if you will bring in the body of your deceased, we will accept it in the form of a receipt, and give you a free [Burger] with our condolences. We hope to see you soon!”

    (The guest hung up. My manager, though laughing, told me never to do it again. Needless to say, the jerk didn’t show up.)

    The Unknowable Sale

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Bizarre

    Lady: *looking at nothing in particular* “Is this for sale?”

    Me: “Is what for sale?”

    Lady: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Then I don’t know either.”

    Extension Number Two

    | AB, Canada | Bizarre, Books & Reading, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

    (I don’t think this actually was a prank call, but I wish it was. I answer the phone at the library and it’s a regular customer with a history for over sharing with staff…)

    Me: “Hi, this is [Library]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, yes, I need more time with my library books.”

    Me: *bringing up her account* “Okay, well, it looks like you’ve already had a couple of extensions…”

    Customer: “You don’t understand! I can’t leave the house! I have explosive diarrhea! I can’t leave the toilet! I’m on the cordless!”

    (I, noticing that every single book she has checked out are for weird diet fads like the ‘strawberry diet,’ figured her story seemed to check out, and extended her materials before I had to talk to her on the toilet anymore.)

    Very Time (Un)Conscious, Part 2

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Time

    Me: “Hi, it’s [My Name] from [Store]. I’m just calling to let you know your special order has arrived, and you can pick that up at your convenience.”

    Customer: “Can I come in tomorrow afternoon?”

    Me: “Absolutely! Whenever it’s convenient for you. We’ll see you then!”

    Customer: “But what time?”

    Me: “Whenever you wish, sir. We close at six tomorrow, if that helps.”

    Customer: “But I want to come before then! Can’t I come in the afternoon?”

    Me: “Absolutely! You don’t have to make an appointment. We’ll hold it as long as you need us to. We won’t sell it or send it back, I promise. You’ve already paid in full, so it’s yours.”

    Customer: “But what TIME should I come?”

    Me: *giving up* “How about two?”

    Customer: “Two in the afternoon?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Tomorrow?”

    Me: “Yes. Have a good day!”

    Customer: “Bye. I’ll be there tomorrow at two.”

    (He didn’t show up to claim his item for three weeks.)

    Related:
    Very Time (Un)Conscious

    Not So Closed Minded, Part 7

    | Australia | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

    (Near the end of my night shift I have been held up. The doors are smashed to pieces, there are at least four police cars on the forecourt (including the dog unit), several police in the store and crime scene tape across the entrance. While being interviewed by a detective I notice a regular walking up to the door.)

    Policeman: “You can’t go in there, ma’am.

    (He is on the other side of the forecourt, too far away to stop her. The customer ignores him and moves the cones.)

    Policeman: “Ma’am! You can’t go in. They’re closed.”

    (She ignores him again, ducks under the tape and weaves her way through the shattered glass past two more shocked policemen. After picking up the newspaper she walks to the counter.)

    Manager: “We’re closed.”

    Customer: “Oh. Really? Why?”

    Related:
    Not Very Closed Minded, Part 6
    Not Very Closed Minded, Part 5
    Not Very Closed Minded, Part 4

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