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    Category: Bizarre

    For whatever reason, some Customers are just plain odd. And the service industry unleashes them on to unsuspecting clerks with often hilarious results. If you like your customers just plain bizarre, then read on!

    A Dual Personality

    | TX, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    Me: “Hello! How are you? What can I get you?”

    Customer: “Hey! Can I get a margarita?”

    Me: “Sure, would you like that dressed?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Awesome! Would you like salt or sugar?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “…Umm. Which one?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “…I got that. But with what?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Right… So, I don’t think you’re listening to me… Salt. Or sugar. Or even maybe both. Which option?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    (I go get the salt and sugar shakers.)

    Me: “Okay. Salt-” *I wave the salt shaker* “-or sugar?” *I wave the sugar shaker* “Or perhaps both?” *I wave them both*

    Customer: “Yes! Yes!”

    Me: “Yes to what?!”

    Customer: “I said yes already! Yes!”

    Me: “Right… That’ll be $7.”

    (I did both. She never came back to complain, to my knowledge, so I suppose I guessed correctly?)

    Just Telling It Like It Is

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Bizarre

    (Two customers approach the counter, the first being a tall, bald man and the second being an elderly lady.)

    Customer: “Hi. I’m every customer ever, and I have a bunch of stupid questions and unreasonable demands.”

    Me: “Hi. I’m every employee ever, and I present a negative attitude as well as an unforgivable ignorance of both the products my employer sells and how to conduct myself civilly with other human beings.”

    Customer: “Like an idiot, I have approached you with no idea what I want. But I nevertheless expect you to keep your full attention on me while I waste your time.”

    Me: “That’s fine. I’ve already tuned you out and began to sing the theme song to Duck Tales to myself in my head as you bring us collectively closer to death without having accomplished anything meaningful.”

    Customer: “Regarding [liquor], I will now proceed to barrage you with questions about it that either you have no way of knowing, or which I should already d*** well know the answers to.”

    (I hand him a bottle of the liquor he mentioned and start to ring it up.)

    Me: “I respond to your worthless questions with vague and unsatisfying responses, as my cranial faculties are occupied with lewd and lascivious irrelevancies. That will be [price], you personification of the downfall of western civilization.”

    Customer: “I object to the price quoted, even though it is clearly indicated on the shelf behind you, and suggest some sort of extortion on your part, undoubtedly fueled by prejudice towards some aspect of my appearance, race, culture, or creed.”

    Me: “Although mentally I am most certainly questioning your intelligence, parentage and/or upbringing, I merely offer transparently insincere apologies.”

    Customer: “I proclaim in brash and vulgar terms my dissatisfaction. I make a laughable and grandiose claim of my own importance, such as being a millionaire, the brother of your company’s CEO, or perhaps the good old-fashioned ‘Do you have any idea who I am?’ I further suggest that I could have you fired effortlessly and fully intend to do so for the insufficient quantity of butt-kissing you have exhibited toward me over the course of this transaction.”

    Me: “I sadly inform you that my superior is not present on the premises and unhelpfully refer you to the company help line. Quietly I memorize the details of your face so that I can fantasize about committing acts of unspeakable and grotesque violence toward same at some later date.”

    (The customer begins walking out the door.)

    Customer: “Vague and impotent threat to your person and questioning of your sexual orientation!”

    Me: “Sarcastic suggestion to have a nice day!”

    (He walks out the door. The old lady behind him looks thoroughly perplexed by our exchange.)

    Old Lady: “Who was that?”

    Me: *shrugging* “My manager.”

    Rabbiting On

    | UK | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m working at my till when an old lady in a wheelchair approaches me. Our rabbit hutches are situated right next to our office that keeps the safe inside.)

    Customer: “Hello, dear. I was wondering if you could give me some advice about your rabbit hutches.”

    Me: “Of course. Is it just for one rabbit or two?”

    Customer: “Oh, it would be two.”

    (I take her over to the hutches and show her around explaining the features of each one.)

    Customer: “I don’t have much room in my husband’s car and I really need one for today. Do you sell them un-built?”

    Me: “I can grab a flat packed one from out the back if you’d like?”

    Customer: “Could you bring one out to show me so I can see if it will fit?”

    (I run out to our storage area and grab a flat-packed version of the hutch she had asked for. When I bring it out her attitude has completely changed.)

    Me: “Here you go. This is the one. It’s really simple to build and will only take ten minutes.”

    Customer: “FOR GOD’S SAKE. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GRAB ONE GODD*** ITEM FOR ME?! DON’T BOTHER WITH IT. I’LL JUST GO SOMEWHERE ELSE WHERE THEY DON’T TREAT THEIR CUSTOMERS LIKE S***!”

    (I stand there in stunned silence as the customer quickly leaves the store, cursing frequently under her breath. Later on my manager, who ran home from work, couldn’t find his trainers which he leaves in the office. We decide to look on the CCTV to check if anyone has moved them. The video shows me walking off to get the hutch for the customer. When I leave she proceeds to get out of her wheelchair, enter the office (which has a combination lock on it), and try to open the safe. After failing to open it she grabs my manager’s trainers, shoves them in her handbag, and returns to the wheelchair.)

    Manager: “Who the h*** was she?”

    Me: “I think I almost sold the Devil a rabbit hutch today…”

    A Bush In The Fridge Is Worth Two In The Bush

    | Oslo, Norway | Bizarre, Home Improvement, Politics

    (I work in the customer service desk at a large store selling domestic appliances. This day one of my ‘regulars’ came in. He’s a really old man – and he seldom files complaints, he just wants to know how his stuff is working, and maybe have a chat.)

    Me: “Hello. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: *whispering* “There was something wrong with delivery of my fridge. It came with something in it.”

    (I pull up his records, and see that he bought one of our display models earlier that week. It’s not seldom other customers leave soda bottles or other stuff in the fridges that’s out on the floor, and I immediately think that is the case.)

    Me: “Well, I’m really sorry, sir. But may I ask, exactly what was inside the fridge?”

    Customer: *still whispering* “George W. Bush.”

    Me: “Excuse me? What?”

    Customer: “The American ex-president. The younger one! He was in my fridge and now he’s on my living room floor, all tied up and ready to be shipped back.”

    Me: “Shipped back?”

    Customer: “Oh, don’t worry; I’m not going to have YOU do that, poor thing. I’ve called FedEx. I just wanted to let you know. ”

    Me: *not really knowing what I can do, other than play along* “Well, thank you then, sir. And sorry for your trouble. Is the fridge working okay, though?”

    Customer: “Oh yeah, it’s totally fine! But you should really stop selling appliances with republicans in them. Could hurt your business.”

    Fresh Coffee With An Extra Shot Of Crazy

    , | CT, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Me: “Hi, I’m [Name]. I’d be happy to take your order!”

    Customer: *on a cell phone* “…I know! I can’t believe it! I told him I just want that d*** whore out of my house!” *continues conversation*

    Me: “Ma’am? May I help you?”

    Customer: “Is your coffee fresh?”

    Me: “Not at the moment, but I’d be happy to start you a fresh pot!”

    Customer: “WHAT? I’m on OXYGEN! I don’t want to DIE!”

    Me: *confused* “Ma’am? It wouldn’t affect—”

    (The customer drives around to the window.)

    Me: “So you did want the coffee, then?”

    Customer: “Sorry about that! You didn’t hear any of that conversation did you?”

    Me: “Well, yes, ma’am. Every employee with a headset can hear everything said at the speaker.”

    Customer: *pays for her coffee* “OH! I’m so sorry, honey; I just want that d*** whore out of my house!”

    (The customer got her coffee and drove away. The rest of us were left scratching our heads as witnesses to the level of crazy that just left.)

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