Featured Story:
  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Category: Bizarre

    For whatever reason, some Customers are just plain odd. And the service industry unleashes them on to unsuspecting clerks with often hilarious results. If you like your customers just plain bizarre, then read on!

    A Pal-Tree Understanding Of Plants

    | Oakville, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Top

    (A customer walks up with a dead, five foot tall maple sapling at the garden center where I work. It has been cut with a handsaw and has obviously been dead for a least three or four months.)

    Customer: “I want a refund! You sold me this tree last summer, but in November the leaves all turned yellow, dried out, and fell off. I want a refund!”

    Me: “So, in autumn your tree lost its leaves?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Sir, broad leaf trees in Canada like this do lose their leaves in the fall and then grow back in the spring. Your tree was just dormant for the winter.”

    Customer: “But after the leaves all fell off, I put it in the garage! Now it’s spring, and the leaves aren’t growing back, so it must be defective. I want a refund NOW!”

    Me: “When you put your tree into your garage in the fall, how did you get it in there?”

    Customer: “I cut it!”

    Me: “So, you cut it down and now you want a refund because it’s dead?”

    Customer: “I want to speak to the owner!”

    (I call the owner, who is a hard-nosed woman in her sixties.)

    Owner: “What seems to be the problem sir?”

    Customer: “Yeah, this tree you sold me last year is dead. I want a refund.”

    Owner: “Was it alive before you put a saw to it?”

    Customer: “Well, it was, and then in November all of the leaves turned yellow and fell off, so I cut it and put it in my garage. Now I want a refund!”

    Owner: “Get out of here!”

    Meow Amore Vole Fe Ya

    | Denver, CO, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    Client: “Help, my cat is pregnant and I have no idea what to do now!”

    Coworker: “Alright, do you have any un-neutered male cats in the house, or is she an outdoor cat?”

    Client: “Yes, I have two un-neutered male cats in the house. Does it matter?”

    Coworker: “Well, if you have un-neutered male cats in the house, that is likely how she got pregnant.”

    Client: “That’s impossible. My male cats are gay!”

    Some Days Start Off With A Bang

    | USA | Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

    (A man walks into our police department and approaches the dispatch counter.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Man: “I was just at a yard sale and brought a nice wood trunk, but when I got it home I looked inside and it was full of dynamite. It looks old and unstable.”

    Me: “And where is it now?”

    Man: “It’s in the back of my truck.”

    Me: “Okay, and where is your truck?”

    Man: “Outside in your parking lot!”

    (And that is how our police department ended up getting evacuated for three hours. He parked, of all places, next to the supervisor’s brand new personal truck. Thankfully, it was found to be dummy training dynamite!)

    A Resistance To Watt’s Current In Science

    | Texas, USA | Bizarre, Technology

    (A customer comes into my store to return an analog multimeter.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I want to return this meter.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem. Do you have your receipt?”

    (She gives me her receipt and I check it.)

    Me: “Everything seems to be in order. Why are you returning this today?”

    Customer: “This meter doesn’t detect electro-pulses in the air. Computers and stuff can cause currents to run through your bed, and it causes cancer. I wanted to measure the currents running through my house and bed.”

    (Multimeters can be used to measure current, voltage, and resistance, but this specific one can’t measure currents in the air.)

    Me: “It’s true that this device can’t measure currents in the air. However, you do know it’s literally impossible to avoid being bombarded by electromagnetic waves, right? You are more likely to win the lottery than die from over-exposure to electromagnetic waves. You don’t have to worry about that.”

    Customer: “That is EXACTLY what the government wants you to believe! Look it up online if you don’t believe me! Children are especially affected by them. It causes cancer and all sorts of other sicknesses. I can even sense them in the air now!”

    Me: “Well, you are in an electronics store after all. But if you could sense these waves, why do you need a multimeter in the first place?”

    Customer: “I am not crazy!” *storms out of the store*

    Schwarzenegger Fi

    | Long Island, NY, USA | Bizarre, Military

    (I work in a New Age sort of store, so we get some interesting types.)

    Customer: “I’m the son of Jesus and am preparing for World War III. Do you own any guns?”

    Me: “Yeah, I do actually.”

    Customer: “Good! You can come fight with me and my friends when the armies come.”

    Me: “Um… no thanks. I actually have my own apocalypse plan, in case of zombies and stuff.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Well, make sure that when it happens, you watch out for any Marines you see!”

    Me: *shocked* “My brother is a Marine!”

    Customer: *shakes head sadly* “He’s lost. He’s a cyborg. You’ll have to destroy him before he destroys you!”

    Me: “Thanks for the heads up…”

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