• Retract The Tract
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  • July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

    Category: Bigotry

    This category is dedicated to the bottom rung of humanity at its worst — racists, homophobes, and other bigots — and, occasionally, employees at their finest.

    Not Painting A Pretty Picture Of Himself, Part 2

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bigotry, Funny Names, Home Improvement

    (I’m a female who works in the paint department. It’s quiet, and a male coworker and I are chatting. He knows nothing about paint. We are approached by an older male customer.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    (The customer ignores me, and turns to my coworker.)

    Customer: “I need to paint my doors. Do you have animal paint?”

    (I try and keep a straight face at this.)

    Coworker: “Sorry, sir, I would not know. [My Name] is more than qualified, and can help you.”

    Customer: *turning to me, visibly annoyed* “She’s a girl; she wouldn’t know. Okay missy, where’s the animal paint?”

    Me: “Sir, what I think you mean is ‘enamel’ paint. There are two types. Water and—”

    Customer: *angry* “No, stupid girl! Didn’t you hear me? ANIMAL PAINT! Not whatever you said.”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but we only have acrylic or enamel paint. Maybe you were misled?”

    (The customer slams his items on the counter and turns around screaming.)

    Customer: “F****** women should stay in the kitchen!” *turns to face me* “ANIMAL PAINT!”

    Not Painting A Pretty Picture Of Himself

    Should Deaf-initely Mess With Him

    | Mansfield, MA, USA | Bigotry, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Love/Romance

    (I have grown up with selective mutism, and have learned to speak using ASL. This is not apparent now, as I can now speak perfectly in public. My boyfriend on the other hand, is deaf.)

    Me: “Welcome to [Store Name]; how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a [Signature Creation].”

    Me: “Right away.”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m allergic to all nuts; can you make sure nothing touches?”

    Me: “Of course, let me go get some clean spades.”

    (I leave and go to the back. My boyfriend visits me at work for the first time as we live a bit apart. He tries to order something from the menu and is frustrated that my coworker cannot understand him. He has never done speech therapy so he cannot speak. I come back to the front.)

    Customer: “Freak! What are you even doing here making those noises? No one wants your kind here. Get out! F****** freak.”

    (The coworker is stunned, and is not stepping in, so I step in.)

    Me: “You cannot speak to another patron like that. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

    Customer: “I’m doing this for all of you. Why would you want this freak around?”

    (I turn to my boyfriend and sign to him that I will take care of this, even though it’s kind of a deaf culture no-no.)

    Me: “I am not required to answer that question. I am, however requiring that you leave.”

    (I go around through the back and out to the front where the customer is still causing issues. We are able to escort him out, but he stands at the glass windows glaring at us.)

    Boyfriend: *signing* “We should really mess with him.”

    (My boyfriend kisses me, and the customer goes ballistic until the police come and arrest him. I stopped working there, but my wonderful intelligent and deaf man and I are now engaged to be married.)

    Not Impressed With Man Meat

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Bigotry, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I work at the deli counter of my store. I am slicing meat for a customer who appears very grumpy. She watches me slice, bag, label, and hand her the meat.)

    Customer: “No! This meat is all WRONG!”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “You sliced it too thick!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I did ask you if that thickness was okay, and you said yes.”

    Customer: “Then you held it funny! I couldn’t see it right! I’m not buying this s***!”

    Me: “Would you like me to get the manager?”

    Customer: “No, he’s probably an incompetent scumbag like you!”

    Me: “She might be able to help make sure you are satisfied, ma’am.”

    (The customer perks up immediately and looks at me with a predatory sneer.)

    Customer: “Oh really? Your manager is a woman?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Then call her over here so I can explain how you f***** up my meat!”

    (Sighing, I pick up the intercom phone and call the manager over.)

    Customer: “That just makes you furious, doesn’t it? Taking orders from a woman?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You think you’re better than us, but you have to do what she says or she can fire you!”

    Me: “Uh, not really. I’ve had plenty of female supervisors.”

    Customer: “And that just burns you up inside, DOESN’T IT?!”

    Me: “Why would you assume that?”

    Customer: “BECAUSE YOU’RE A MAN!”

    Bursting The American Bubble

    | Knoxville, TN, USA | Bigotry, Geography, Language & Words

    (There are two customers in line: the first customer is in her 20s, and the second customer is a middle-aged man. The first customer hands me her credit card.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I need to see your ID.”

    Customer #1: “Oh? Is that something new?”

    Me: “Yeah, sorry for the inconvenience!”

    Customer #1: “Oh, no! It’s totally fine. My driver’s license expired while I was in Reykjavik, though. I just got back; see. Will you take my passport?”

    Me: “Oh, of course!”

    (Customer #2 stomps up to us as Customer #1 is looking for it.)

    Customer #2: “You mean to tell me that I’m having to stand in line and wait behind a foreigner? I’m an American! I demand you help me before helping her!”

    (Customer #1 rolls her eyes and shows me her passport.)

    Customer #1: “Will this work?”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s fine.”

    Customer #2: “No! Don’t help her! What country are you from, b****? Russia? Don’t help her! It’s people like her that are ruining this country!”

    Customer #1: “Sir, I am an American. And even if I wasn’t, how dare you speak to me and this cashier in such a manner?”

    Customer #2: “Liar! An American wouldn’t have a passport!”

    Me: “Sir, if you’d looked at her passport, you’d see that it says USA all over it.”

    Customer #2: *looks at Customer #1’s passport* “But… but that can’t be! She wouldn’t use a passport if she’s a native American!”

    Me: “Right. She’s really from Italy; she just likes to draw random eagles all over her passport. Now where are you from, sir? I’m sure this lady would like to know, so she can be sure never to visit.”

    (Customer #2 leaves in a huff, threatening to call the manager and corporate.)

    Customer #1: *sighs* “Is your manager here?”

    Me: “Oh, yeah. Do you need to talk to him?”

    Customer #1: “Please.”

    (I get the manager, and he and Customer #1 have a conversation. I go back to work. The manager comes back a few minutes later and drops a $20 in the tip jar.)

    Me: “What is that?”

    Manager: “From the customer I was talking to. She said she wanted to be sure you didn’t get in trouble for standing up for her and thought you deserved a tip.”

    The First And True Language Of America

    | Santa Fe, NM, USA | Bigotry, History, Language & Words, Top

    (I’m waiting in line behind a woman speaking on her cellphone in another language. Ahead of her is a white man. After the woman hangs up, he speaks up.)

    Man: “I didn’t want to say anything while you were on the phone, but you’re in America now. You need to speak English.”

    Woman: “Excuse me?”

    Man: *very slow* “If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English.”

    Woman: “Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England.”

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