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    Category: Bad Behavior

    The A(dobo) Team

    | Lompoc, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, One-Liners

    (I’m a chef at a Filipino restaurant. My boyfriend, his friend, and my sister, are also on duty with me. A customer in his late 20s comes in.)

    Me: “Hello, sir! How are you today?”

    Customer: “Hey, babe. Are you free tonight?”

    Me: “Do you have something you want to order?”

    (The customer gets angry.)

    Customer: “Look, I just asked you if you had any plans tonight! Yes or no?!”

    Me:“Sir, I have a boyfriend. If you don’t want to order anything, please leave.”

    Man: “Ha! What are you gonna do? Huh! Your little boyfriend ain’t gonna do anything to me!”

    Me: “Hannibal! B.A.! Face!”

    (My boyfriend, his friend, and my sister start walking towards the man.)

    Boyfriend: “B.A.? Will you please escort this man out of the premises?”

    (My friend walks towards the customer, cracking his knuckles. The customer runs out of the restaurant.)

    Boyfriend: “I love it when a plan comes together!”

    Sister: “Shut up…”

    Who Does She Sink She Is

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Love/Romance

    (I’m a lifeguard at a local pool. My girlfriend stops by on my lunch break. We’re standing near the concession stand when a middle aged woman approaches, dragging a teenage boy behind her.)

    Woman: “You! Young man! Front and center!”

    Me: “How may I help you, ma’am?”

    Woman: “While you were standing around flirting with this… this harlot, my baby almost drowned!”

    (My girlfriend bursts out laughing, and the woman’s 15-year-old “baby” turns bright red.)

    Me: “So sorry, ma’am. I’m not on duty right now, but several other lifeguards are. I’d appreciate it if you refrained from calling other guests vulgar names, though.”

    Woman: “I’m just calling them as I see them! Look at how she’s dressed! Those shorts barely cover her butt!”

    Girlfriend: *trying to hold in her laughter* “I think I’m going to run, babe. Love you.”

    Woman:Love!? You two are not in love! You’ve known each other for thirty seconds and almost caused my baby to drown!”

    Me: *sighing* “Okay, ma’am. I will be back on duty in five minutes.”

    Woman: “Okay! By the way, dear, you could do much better than that harlot!”

    He Already Has Enough Issues

    | AB, Canada | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Spouses & Partners

    (One of my co-workers is checking out a couple.)

    Cashier: “Alright, so your total is [total].”

    (The wife starts paying with debit. Her husband is scanning our magazines at the side of the till.)

    Husband: *to the cashier* “Excuse me, miss? Can I get a magazine?”

    Cashier: “Oh, sure, I don’t see why not. We can do it as a separate transaction if you’d like?”

    Husband: “Oh? I have to buy them?”

    Cashier: *laughs* “Yes, sir. You would have to buy it.”

    Husband: “Oh… well then, never mind.” *turns to his wife* “This b**** won’t give me a magazine!”

    Wife: “Shut up; you’re being an a**!”

    (The two customers leave and the cashier turns to me.)

    Cashier: “I really hope he was drunk. If not, then what just happened?”

    Not A Turf Decision

    | NE, USA | Bad Behavior

    Caller: “Why did you send me a contract?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “You sent me a lawn contract. For my lawn.”

    Me: “Yes, sir?”

    Caller: “Why?”

    Me: “We send a prospective contract to anyone whose info we have in our system.”

    Caller: “I didn’t ask for it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but—”

    Caller: “Why did you send this to me?”

    Me: “Well, as I said—”

    Caller: “How do you know how much grass I have?”

    Me: “You see we keep—”

    Caller: “Why did you send this to me?! I didn’t ask for this!”

    Me: “Um, actually, looking at your info, sir, we did your yard two years ago.”

    Caller: *silent*

    Me: “Mr. [Name]?”

    Caller: “Tell me more about this ‘Deluxe Program’ you have here…”

    Shaming Special On The Pre-Wedding Aisle

    | NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids

    (I am in a grocery store with my two-year-old nephew. I am 22, and wearing my engagement ring.)

    Other Customer: “Hey, you!”

    Me: “Me?”

    Other Customer: “Yeah, you. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

    Me: “What?”

    Other Customer: “It’s bad enough that teenagers like you seem to think you can just sleep with people. Then you have kids and try to act like you could raise them!”

    Me: He’s—”

    Other Customer: “It’s things like this that show me that you have absolutely no respect for this country! The entire country is going down the tubes. It’s appalling to think that you would ever even consider having a child outside of wedlock.”

    (An employee comes into the aisle to stock things, but overhearing the other customer’s comments speaks up in my defense.)

    Employee: “Hey, are you going to even let her talk? She doesn’t have to, but I think she’s entitled to respond to the things you’re saying.”

    Other Customer: “You keep out of this. There is nothing she can say to make it any better.”

    Me: “Actually, there is. One, this is my nephew. Two, I’m 22, which means if he were my child, I would have been twenty when he was born. Third, his parents are married and have been since before he was even conceived. Fourth, before you start flying off about unmarried people, you may want to check their ring hand.” *I hold up my hand* “I’m engaged, but you couldn’t know I wasn’t married. Fifth, even if I was 17, and this was my child, and I wasn’t married, why would it be any of your business?”

    (The customer doesn’t say anything, and slowly walks away. I turn to the employee.)

    Me: “Thanks.”

    Employee: “No problem. That actually turned out as well as it possibly could have. I was mostly saying it so you could just say, ‘None of your business’. It’s even better that none of the things that she was accusing you of were true.”

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