Category: Bad Behavior

Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose

| London, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Religion

(I and my girlfriend work at the same restaurant, I’m the head chef and she’s the manager. We’re both women and although we don’t hide our relationship, we don’t flaunt it either. My girlfriend has finished for the day and the owner has come in to cover her. She comes into the kitchen to say goodbye to everyone and kisses me (a very brief kiss on the lips) then leaves. Five minutes later the owner comes in to me to say a complaint has been made by a customer regarding a ‘lesbionic’ relationship.)

Owner: “This woman’s being a right b**** about it, saying she won’t pay for her meal, it ruined her night, it’s blasphemous, and everyone’s going to Hell.”

Me: “She’s one of those. I’ll go deal with her.”

(I go to the customer and introduce myself as the head chef. She’s about 30, expensively dressed (her dress looks silk but the belt, collar, & cuffs are sequined), lots of jewellery, and a tattoo on her ankle of rosary beads. She’s with a man a little older that her, clean shaven, short back and sides hair cut.)

Customer: “The food was delicious. Are you in charge? Do you know you have lesbians in your kitchen? Maybe you should tell them not everyone wants to see that sort of thing. It’s terribly upsetting and offensive to my religious beliefs.”

(I have done my fair share of reading on the subject of homosexuality and the Bible, so I have an answer well prepared for people like her.)

Me: “Have you read the Bible? Timothy 2:9 says ‘I want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not adorning themselves with gold or pearls or expensive clothes.’ That’s some nice jewellery you’re wearing. It also says, Leviticus 19:19 ‘Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.’ Your silk dress is beautiful, as are the collar and cuffs. In a different material. It also says Leviticus 19:28 ‘Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves.’ I like your rosary tattoo. It also says Leviticus 19:27 ‘Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.’ Your husband looks very smart tonight. It also says Leviticus 11:8 ‘You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.’ And Leviticus 11:10 ‘And all that have not fins and scales in the seas and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you.” I believe they refer to pork and shellfish. How was your ‘surf & turf?’ We only use the best pork sausages and finest lobster.”

(The man sits there with his head bowed but the woman stares at me with pure hatred.)

Me: “Now, I don’t know about you but it seems silly that you are willing to overlook all those sins about yourself and focus on one thing that isn’t even mentioned in the Bible. If I was as judgemental as you I would say you only kicked up a fuss to get out of paying for you meal. But that’s like stealing. I’ll send a waitress over with your bill.”

(I went back to cooking. I could hear a couple of other customers laughing at the woman. The husband paid, leaving a big tip. I could see them outside having what looked like a pretty good argument!)

Remain As Cold As Ice

, | GA, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Wild & Unruly

(I’m a manager in a well-known fast food restaurant.)

Customer: “You a**holes are trying to kill me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “You stupid mother-f***ers are trying to kill me!”

Me: “I assure you we’re not trying to kill you. Could you please tell me what’s wrong?”

Customer: “I ordered a [Soda] with no f****** ice, and you stupid mother-f***ers filled the cup with ice! I am deathly allergic to ice!”

Me: “I’m really sorry about that, ma’am. Let me fix that for you.”

Customer: “You’d better fix it. And I want my f****** money back, you stupid mother-f***er. I’m going to call the district office and have you all fired.”

Me: “Sure. I need to get that number from my office, as well as a refund slip for you to sign.”

(She continues to call me assorted names as I walk away.)

Me: “Sorry about the wait. Just print your name and sign. You can include a contact number if you’d like the district manager to call you.”

Customer: “I’m calling the f***ing office first thing tomorrow morning.”

Me: “I apologize again. Here’s your money, and here’s your [Soda], no ice, to which you are deathly allergic. I’m really sorry for the inconvenience. Have a good night.”

(She leaves the store still cussing up a storm.)

Next Customer: “That was amazing. Your facial expression didn’t change a bit the whole time.”

Me: “That’s because a decade of working customer service has left me dead inside. Now I’m going outside for a cigarette to try to finish off the rest of me.”

(The next morning I got a phone call from the district manager about how I was rude and unsympathetic to her serious medical issue, which she conveniently didn’t explain to him. I faxed him the refund slip with the reason for refund: Customer is deathly allergic to the solid form of water. He ended up praising me for not physically assaulting her.)

Can’t Stretch To Accommodate This Call

| Southaven, MS, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

Customer: “Hi, I needed to ask you some questions about condoms.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead.”

Customer: “Well, you see I have a problem. All the condoms seem to be too small and are very tight.”

Me: “Okay, well they do make larger condoms such as Trojan Magnums.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve tried those and even those are too small for me.”

Me: “Well, I’ve never really heard of that, since condoms are designed to be very stretchy.”

Customer: “I’ve just tried all sorts of condoms. What I really need is for you to help me try on the condom.”

Me: *click*

Pranks For Breakfast

, | Wheat Ridge, CO, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

(I’m 16, working in McDonald’s over the summer, and for this particular shift I’m taking orders in the drive-thru. It’s about three in the afternoon.)

Me: “Welcome to McDonald’s. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “I’ll have an Egg McMuffin.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that’s one of our breakfast items, and we stopped serving breakfast at 10:30.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll just have some hash browns.”

Me: “Sadly, that’s another breakfast item.”

Customer: “Hot cakes!”

Me: “Breakfast item again, sir.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll have a Whopper with cheese.”

Me: “I’d be happy to serve you one of those, but they’re sold at the Burger King a block down the road. We have Big Macs.”

Customer: “I’ll just have a drink. Medium Frosty, please.”

Me: “And for that, you’ll have to go to the Wendy’s across the street. We just have regular milkshakes.”

Customer: “Medium Coke, then.”

Me: “Lovely! That’ll be $1.08. Please pull around to the first window.”

(I used the moment it took the car to pull around to take a deep breath before I turned to take the customer’s money, and saw him looking back at me with the biggest grin ever, laughing at himself.)

Me: “Hi, Dad.”

The Fall Of The Call

| Indianapolis, IN, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

Me: “Thanks for calling [National Pizza Chain]. What can I get you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I want a large pepperoni pizza, no pepperoni, and six orders of fries.”

Me: *click*

(Five minutes later:)

Me: “Thanks for calling [National Pizza Chain]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I want a dozen cheeseburgers, hold the cheese, and four fries.”

Me: *click*

(Five minutes later:)

Me: “Thanks for calling [National Pizza Chain]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Do you have gum?”

Me: “No, but I do have caller id, and will be giving your number to the police if you call here again.”

Caller: *click*

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