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    Category: Awesome Customers

    Best Customer (And Most Expensive Envelopes) Ever

    | Charleston, SC, USA | Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Wireless Service Provider's] Financial Services Department. May I have your mobile number please?”

    Caller: “I am calling to complain that I have not been receiving payment return envelopes with my statements each month.”

    Me: “No problem, sir. Let me get your mobile number so I can pull up your account and see what’s going on.”

    Caller: *gives account number*

    Me: “Ok, just give me a minute to look through the account and see what’s going on.”

    (Looking through his payment history, I notice he’s been paying $60 a month for a $20 a month plan for nearly two years. As a result, he has over $1,000 in credit on his account.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, thanks for holding. It looks like the reason we haven’t been sending you envelopes is because you haven’t owed us any money for the past two years or so.”

    Caller: “But I’ve been using the service! How do I not owe you any money?”

    Me: “Well, your bill is only about 20 dollars a month and you’ve been consistently overpaying each month.”

    Caller: “Yes, I know! I have money, now and what if one day I don’t? I want to be able to have my cell phone! I NEED envelopes! Can you send me some right away?”

    Me: “Sir, basically you could not pay your cell phone bill for about the next several years and not have to worry about it. Why not let some of that balance wear down? You’ve really been paying way too much!”

    Caller: “But I need more envelopes! I don’t know why you can’t just send me some!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s all done in a warehouse. We don’t actually have stacks of letters laying around our office. Since the company isn’t sending you envelopes, why not just go purchase some from a store?”

    Caller: “No, I can’t do that!”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll take care of this for you…”

    (I end the call, hunt down a few generic non-labeled envelopes from the supply cabinet, and mail them to the customer. I check back on his account a few days later and he had called in to thank us for sending him the envelopes!)

    He Fought The Law, And The Law Won

    | Concord, CA | Awesome Customers, Top

    (A man has been causing a ruckus at the registers for ten minutes and a line had formed behind him.)

    Man: “I’m a lawyer and I know my rights! If you don’t take this return I’m going to sue the living s*** out of you.”

    (A woman in a professional-looking business suit steps up to the register. In a cool professional voice, she asks to see the receipt that the man is waving. After a moment’s inspection, she gives him a hard stare over the rim of her glasses.)

    Woman: “Sir, the store’s return policy is clearly printed on your receipt. They cannot take back opened CDs.”

    Man: “But–”

    Woman: “FURTHERMORE, by purchasing from this store, you are accepting the store’s return policy as a signed contract that you agreed to abide by.”

    Man: “I–”

    Woman: “IN ADDITION, by blatantly trying to circumvent this contract signed by you, no judge would rule in your favor.”

    Man: “But I–”

    Woman: “If you really were a lawyer, you would be fully aware of this fact. By claiming to be a lawyer when you are clearly NOT, you are committing an act of fraud, which can get you arrested.”

    (The man turns white and flees the store without another peep.)

    Woman: “I’ve had eight years’ experience working behind the registers, dealing with people like him. MAN, that felt GOOD!”

    Becoming Familiar With Fiber

    | Texas, USA | Awesome Customers, Top

    (My dad was standing in an express line at the grocery store. In front of him was a well-to-do-looking woman, who clearly had several more items than the limit.)

    Dad: “You know, it’s amazing that someone who is apparently so successful can’t read.”

    Woman: *in a huff* “That sign’s for regular people, not for me!”

    (An old man behind my dad taps him on the shoulder.)

    Old man: “Here, give her this.”

    (My dad hands it to the woman.)

    Woman: “What’s this?”

    Old man: “Metamucil. It’ll make you regular.”

    A Match Made In Size 7

    , | Toronto, ON, Canada | Awesome Customers

    (A couple walk in, the lady in front, the man trailing tiredly behind. The lady spins around the store.)

    Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”

    Lady: “I need these pants in size 0, pronto.”

    Me: “Who are you getting them for?”

    Lady: “MYSELF! What do you think!”

    (I get her what she wants, she takes them and goes into a change room.)

    Lady: “HEY, these are defective! Get me another pair!”

    Me: “May I suggest a bigger size?”

    Lady: “Are you saying I look fat? That I can’t fit into these pants?! I’ll have you know, I always wear size 0… these pants must be made wrong! Now get me another pair!”

    Man: “Honey, those are really small pants, just try a slightly bigger one.”

    (Without a pause, she turns around and slaps the man.)

    Lady: “Why can’t you just be on my side! That was so rude! You’re sleeping on the couch tonight!”

    Man: “We don’t live together.”

    Lady: “What do you mean! We moved in last week… remember?”

    Man: “No… we don’t live together.”

    (The lady realizes he’s not caving. She flicks a look at me, then tries a different route.)

    Lady: “Well, I mean, you’re still sleeping on the couch in your own apartment! To show remorse for disrespecting me. Or else!”

    Man: “Or else what?”

    Lady: “Or else I’m dumping you!”

    Man: “… Okay.”

    Lady: “You just–you just like HER, don’t–” *walks out fast, sobbing*

    (The man stayed behind and apologized to me. My shift was ending so we went for dinner, and long story short he’s now my fiance! Couldn’t ask for a better man, and I’ve got to thank that lady someday for making it all possible…)

    Fighting Fire With Fire

    | Belgium | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They’re ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks and screaming their little heads off.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers.”

    Father: *beaming* “No.”

    Me: “No, as in, no you won’t tell them to stop it?”

    Father: *still beaming*“Yes.”

    (I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.)

    Customer 1: “So there’s nothing you can do about them?”

    Me: “I’m so very sorry sir, but no. I can get you a drink from the house to make up for it.”

    Customer 2: “No, that won’t do.”

    Me: “Well, I can see if I can get you a free desert…”

    Customer 2: “Not what I meant. Can’t you get your boss?”

    Me: “I’m afraid he’s not in, sir.”

    Customer 1: “Well we won’t accept any free stuff. I bet that would come out of your pay.”

    Customer 3: “Hold on…”

    (The customer gets up and the others immediately follow him to the noisy, messy table. They’re now surrounded by eight tall young men who look mighty pissed.)

    Customer 3, to the father: “Tell them to stop it.”

    Father: *still beaming* “No.”

    Customer 1: “You’re upsetting the waitress.”

    Father: “Do you guys even work here?”

    Customer 1: “No, we’re from that prison up the street. We’re out on parole. Funny coincidence, we all served seven years for kidnapping and murdering a bunch of noisy brats and a jerk who made minimum-wage waitresses cry.”

    (At this point the kids become very, very quiet and the other patrons start giggling and staring.)

    Father: “You’re lying.”

    Customer 4: “Wanna take that chance, buddy?”

    (One more lecherous grin was enough to send the whole bunch of misfits scurrying to the exit. My knights in shining armor actually got applause from the other diners and a free meal from me.)

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