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    Category: Awesome Customers

    Out Bat-ter Angels

    | NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Geeks Rule, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a hospital. Every week, we host an event where volunteers come in and entertain some of the sick children. On this particular day, most of the volunteers are dressed up as superheroes.)

    Superman: “Who wants me to see if I can pull a penny out of their nose?”

    Child #1: *in a wheelchair* “Me! Me!”

    Superman: *doing his magic trick* “I’m afraid I can’t. All I could find were all these quarters!”

    (Superman magically pulls out a quarter and gives it to Child #1. A few minutes later, Child #1 returns.)

    Child #1: “Superman! Superman! I bought candy with the money you found! This one’s for you.”

    (At this point, one of two volunteers dressed as Spiderman speaks up.)

    Spiderman #1: “Where’d he get that candy?”

    Child #2: “There’s a vending machine in the hallway.”

    Spiderman #1: “They let you buy candy? That’s not healthy.”

    Spiderman #2: “I’m sure the nurses here are aware of what the kids eat.”

    Child #2: “It’s true. They’re really strict.”

    Spiderman #1: “It’s just not healthy…”

    (Meanwhile, Superman is continuing his trick.)

    Superman: “…and another one in the left ear, and another one in the right ear. Wait! I haven’t checked your nose for quarters yet.”

    Child #3: *after Superman’s finished* “What kind of candy do you want, Superman?”

    Superman: “Don’t worry about me, kid. I’m Superman! Superman can make candy with his mind.”

    Child #3: “Nuh uh! I saw the movie!”

    Superman: “Oh yeah? Watch this!”

    (He closes his eyes and concentrations hard, then pretends to catch something out of the air.)

    Superman: “Ah-ha! Chocolate!”

    Spiderman #1: “Don’t give her that. They get too much sugar.”

    Nurse: “It’s fine, sir.”

    Spiderman #1: “No!”

    (All of a sudden, Spiderman #1 grabs the chocolate from Superman, throws it on the floor, and stomps on it. He’s clearly out of control and scaring the children.)

    Spiderman #1: “Food like that will just keep you sick! They just want you to stay here and keep buying their s****y candy to keep you sick so they can get your money! They just—”

    (At that moment, a man dressed as Batman appears with his cape wrapped around him. Surprised, Spiderman #1 begins stuttering.)

    Spiderman #1: “Uh… what do you want?”

    Batman: *in a deep voice* “I want this hospital to be a place of hope. I want these children to enjoy their lives. I want the forces of darkness forever beaten.”

    (He drops the cloak, revealing the police uniform underneath it.)

    Batman: *cuffs Spiderman #1* “I want justice!”

    (The children all cheer, relieved. A month later, one of the children who has been in the hospital for a very long time is getting ready to leave. When someone asks him what his favorite memory of the volunteer nights was, he says…)

    Child: “When crazy Spiderman went crazy and Batman took off his costume and he was an actually real hero and made crazy Spiderman go away!”

    The Son Will Come Up, Tomorrow

    | Denver, CO, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (Note: I am currently two weeks into my new job, and am the newest employee on staff. I’m working the drive-thru.)

    Me: “Welcome to [coffee shop]. I hope you’re having a great morning! Can I take your order?”

    Customer: “I want a nonfat venti latte, seven pumps of vanilla, extra whipped cream, and you’d better make it fast, b****! I can’t believe you folks are so slow. This is a DRIVE-THRU! I shouldn’t even have to stop my car!”

    Me: *mortified* “We’ll have that right up for you. Please pull around for your total.”

    (When the car reaches the window, I see that the woman’s adult son, a regular customer, is driving the car.)

    Customer’s Son: “I’m so sorry about my mother. She’s a cranky old b**** who doesn’t know how to shut her mouth. Thanks for the coffee. Here’s a tip for putting up with her bulls***!”

    (He drops a ten-dollar bill into our tip jar before driving off. He now comes back as a regular customer each morning—without his mother. He always tips generously and has something nice to say to me!)

    She’s No Bashful Biddy

    | Alberta, Canada | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Rude & Risque, Top

    (A sweet little old lady comes up to my till with her walker. She is probably in her nineties or late eighties and looks like your stereotypical sweet old granny.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, Miss! How’s it going today?”

    Little Old Lady: “Quite well, thank you! And calling me ‘Miss’, ha!  You’re such a sweet girl. Made my day!”

    Me: “Glad to be of service! Do you need a hand with your basket?”

    Little Old Lady: “Oh, no, I try to do things for myself even if they’re harder. Keeps me young.”

    (We go through the transaction, chatting away, and at the end she uses her debit card. It’s a chip card and she tries to swipe it, so I correct her.)

    Me: “Oh! That’s a chip card. The stripe probably won’t work, so can you please just slide that right up there in the bottom?”

    Little Old Lady: “What’s that, sorry?”

    Me: “Can you just slide that right up there in the bottom?”

    Little Old Lady: *deadpans* “That’s what she said.”

    (It took about five seconds before I and the other guy in line burst out laughing.)

    Other Customer: “A lady your age saying that? Nice move, ma’am!”

    Little Old Lady: “That’s MISS!” *devilish little grin* “And I’m old, not dead. Have a nice day!”

    (She slowly makes her way out of the store, slow as only the elderly can be. The other customer and I look at one another, tears still wet on my face from laughter.)

    Me: “Best older customer ever.”

    Other Customer: “F*** yes!”

    Screaming Some Nonsense Can Lead To Slapping Some Sense

    , | USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m working at a fast food restaurant when a man suddenly storms up to the counter, completely ignores the woman whose order I’m taking, and starts screaming obscenities at me.)

    Customer: “All you f***ing losers can go straight to h***!”

    Me: “What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “Every time I come here, it happens! You always get it wrong! I ordered this burger without tomato, and look at this! There’s a d*** tomato on it!”

    (He shoves the burger under my nose. I glance down and see that the burger isn’t ours, but our competitor’s, from across the street.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I think you ordered this at [competitor restaurant] across the way. You need to complain to them.”

    Customer: “I know what I’m talking about! I’m not a f***ing r*****!”

    (Suddenly, the other customer he cut in front of slaps him on the backside of the head. Note that the other customer is a woman and can’t be more than five feet tall and a hundred pounds.)

    Customer: “What the f***?!”

    Other Customer: “You deserved that. You’re being stupid. Get the h*** out of here!”

    Customer: “You telling me what to do, b****?!”

    (She slaps him again, this time on the face.)

    Other Customer: “Now, have you learned your lesson?”

    Customer: *suddenly meek* “Yes, ma’am.”

    Other Customer: “Good. Apologize.”

    Customer: “I’m… I’m sorry. I must’ve went to the wrong place.”

    (Dazed, the customer wanders out of the restaurant, leaving his burger behind. I gave the woman her meal for free!)

    A Tale Of Two Sitters

    | Paris, France | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Top, Transportation

    (I’m on the Metro (subway) during rush hour. Arriving at a station, I see a little girl with a bandaged leg and a crutch getting in the car with her mother. Since there are no seats available, she stays up. A few seconds later, a young man dressed like a thug on a seat behind them calls to the mother.)

    Young Man: “Ma’am, take my seat for your child.”

    Mother: “Oh, thank you.”

    (As soon as the young man gets up, however, a middle-aged lady in a business suit jumps into his seat without saying a word.)

    Young Man: “Ma’am, I gave my seat to the little girl, not to you.”

    Middle-aged Lady: “You should’ve said so.”

    Young Man: “You were right in front of me and clearly heard me. Besides, it’s obvious this girl needs a seat more than you.”

    Middle-aged Lady: *angrily* “What’s your point?!”

    Young Man: “My point is that you’re rude and impolite.”

    Middle-aged Lady: “Who the f*** do you think you are to talk to me like that?! Do you know WHO I am?!”

    Young Man: “I think I am someone much more polite and well-educated than you. And to who you are, I frankly don’t care.”

    Middle-aged Lady: “YOU LITTLE F***! My husband owns [some big company]! I’m infinitely much richer and more powerful than you!”

    Young Man: *grinning* “So, powerful and rich you takes the metro to go home?”

    (Stunned, the middle-aged lady looks like she’s been struck by lightning. She sheepishly leaves the car at the next station. The young man then turns to the girl and her mother, who are literally speechless.)

    Young Man: *to the mother* “Sorry for that. There’s your seat!”

    (The whole car cheered and applauded him. Whoever you are, Metro gentleman, you have my thumbs up!)

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