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    Category: Awesome Customers

    Russian Into Things

    | AZ, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Crazy Requests

    (One evening a very obviously young teenager (15 or 16) comes in and tries to buy a pornographic magazine. After I inform him I can’t sell to him without seeing an ID he sticks around and starts chatting me up. I am a very tall woman in my mid-twenties while he was very short and petite.)

    Kid: “You know, the main reason I wanted to buy a magazine is because I’ve been deprived of the company of women for most of my life. You see…” *he leans up against the counter, looks around the room and says in a stage whisper* “…I was trained from birth in a Russian compound to be a deadly assassin.”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Go on…”

    Kid: “I’m the best there is at the trade. I became the youngest secret KGB agent.”

    Me: “The KGB actually hasn’t existed for several years now.”

    Kid: *nodding gravely* “That’s because I took them all out when I went rogue. Since then I’ve been freelancing. But now that I have more money than I know what to do with, I’ve been thinking about getting out of the game. You know, finding a beautiful woman and settling down in my French chateau. What do you say? Want me to take you away from all this?”

    Me: *having serious trouble keeping a straight face* “That’s very sweet. But aren’t I a little too old for you? Not to mention I’m nearly two feet taller.”

    Kid: “That’s okay. That’s the way we like ‘em in Russia!”

    Me: “Kid, you are one cocky little s***. If you weren’t underage I’d buy you a drink.”

    Kid: “Well, if you come with me we can go to a country where the legal drinking age is much lower. You know, in Russia I’ve already reached the age of consent. If you get my drift…”

    Me: “Thanks, but I’m afraid I’ll have to pass.”

    Kid: *sigh* “Oh well it, was worth a try. Do svidaniya!”

    Sharing A Story About Not Sharing

    | CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top

    (A coworker is offering macaroons at work. He had never had them before but had bought a whole lot of them, and we get to hear the story of why he had bought them.)

    Coworker: “There’s a cake shop near my house. I go there all the time, and there’s a regular customer I see there who is really mean. That day she said she was going to buy some macaroons and not share any with her grandkids. I was ahead of her in line, so when it was my turn, I said ‘I’d like to buy all your macaroons!.’”

    Last Name Last Thought

    | Franklin, TN, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers

    (I’ve worked retail for years, but this is my turn at being the clueless customer. This store can look up your membership card with your name and phone number. I am currently wearing my name tag, which has only my first name on it.)

    Associate: “Oh, you work at [Other Store]. You must know [Coworker], who used to work here!”

    Me: “Oh, yeah, [Coworker]‘s great! Oh, I have a membership card, but I don’t have it on me.”

    Associate: “What’s your last name?”

    Me: “I’m not sure… [My Name], I think.”

    Associate: “…”

    Me: “Oh, my God, I’m sorry! I thought you were asking for [Coworker]‘s last name! Sorry! Do I win the award today?”

    Associate: “Not even the strangest thing that’s happened today.”

    A Real Humdinger Of A Solution

    | Bryan, OH, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Top

    (Even though I don’t work in this store anymore, I still have friends that do. I am there getting fabric with my daughter. The fabric area is in the middle of the store. We start to hear a bell ringing on the other side of the store. Every 30 seconds the bell rings, and goes on for a good five minutes.)

    Employee: *looking at me* “He doesn’t even bother to look up, just keeps hitting it!”

    Me: *calling across the store* “He is busy. He will be with you in a moment!”

    (The customer just looks at me, and dings the bell more. This time, he doesn’t stop, and just keeps hitting the bell for a solid two minutes. At this point, I’m angry, I have a headache, and the employee is too nice to do anything rude, so I walk across the store, and grab the bell right out from under the customer’s hand.)

    Me: *holding the bell* “I said he was busy.”

    Customer: “HEY! You took my DINGER!”

    Me: *walking away* “Yes. I am now in possession of your ‘dinger.’”

    (The employee is trying to hide his laughter as I come walking back with the bell in my hand. The customer is following me and yelling the whole time.)

    Customer: “I demand service! I’ve been here before and I want someone to help me!”

    Me: You will get help as soon as he is available to help you. He is busy with me right now.”

    Employee: “Sir, I’m the only person on this half of the store, everyone else is on break. If you can just wait a moment, when I’m done with her I will come help you!”

    Customer: *looking at me* “What is your name?!”

    Me: “[My Name]. I’m not sure why that matters to you.”

    Customer: “I’m talking to your manager!”

    Me: “I don’t work here.”

    Customer: “Then why did you take my dinger!”

    Me: “Because you pissed me off!”

    Customer: “I have the right to ding the dinger!”

    Me: “Yes, you do! But you abused that right! So I have now banned you. BANNED!”

    (He storms off. About 10 minutes later, he comes back with a manager.)

    Customer: “HER! See, her! She is the one that took my dinger!”

    Manager: “Sir, I do not know this woman. She doesn’t work here.”

    Customer: “She was rude to me!”

    Manager: “Sir, she has that right.”

    Customer: “I demand you fire her!”

    Manager: “Sir, seriously, I do not know who she is. She doesn’t work here!”

    (The customer stomps away. The manager looks at me and laughs as she starts talking.)

    Manager: “He told me he wanted to complain about a customer, and I didn’t believe a customer would complain about another customer! I’m so sorry! He is always so rude, but this is a new low even for him!”

    Me: “It’s all good. I did what I know everyone has always wanted to do, and it felt soooo right!”

    Please Be Civil To Partnerships

    | Bury St. Edmunds, England, UK | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Top

    (I’m male. I’m chatting away to Customer #1 whilst scanning her items. We are talking about cakes.)

    Customer #1: “My husband doesn’t like the walnut one.”

    Me: *laughing* “Nor does my boyfriend. It means I can eat as much as I want in front of him and not have to sha—”

    Customer #1: “Your boyfriend? That’s disgusting. I didn’t realise [Company] hired your type!”

    (At this point, Customer #2, a sweet little old lady who has been waiting in the queue, speaks up.)

    Customer #2: “You leave him alone! He’s been nothing but helpful and you were happy to chat to him when you thought he was straight. Besides, I’ve seen him and his boyfriend in town, and he’s bloody gorgeous!”

    Customer #1: “Well! I never!”

    (She pays and flounces away.)

    Customer #2: *to me* “You tell that boyfriend of yours that I think you two look very happy together and may you be together a long time.”

    Me: “Thank you! I will!”

    (Months later, when my boyfriend and I decided to get a civil partnership, Customer #2 screamed with joy when I told her!)

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