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  • May Theme Of The Month: Movie Mayhem!

    Category: Awesome Customers

    You Won’t Be-Leaf It

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Awesome Customers, Top, Transportation

    (I am on the bus. There was a rather severe windstorm the previous night.)

    Passenger: “Why are we stopping in the middle of the road?”

    Driver: “There’s a fallen tree in the road.”

    (The passenger talks to his companions for a few seconds.)

    Passenger: “Can you let us off?”

    Driver: “Why?”

    Passenger: “We’re going to move the tree.”

    (The passenger is a rather skinny looking guy.)

    Driver: “…Sure.”

    (The passenger and his friends get off the bus, then proceed to drag the fallen tree out of the road.)

    Driver: “Well, I’ll be…”

    (Thanks to the passengers who cleared it, and to the bus driver who let them off to do it—since it’s against policy to let them off at any place but a proper bus stop.)

    He Got Served While Getting Served

    | CA, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    (A customer is debating the price of items with me. I have told him several times they are not on sale. This has taken almost ten minutes, and the people behind him are starting to look very annoyed.)

    Me: “Sir, I assure you those items are not on sale.”

    Customer #1: “You b****! They are too! You’re just trying to rob me! Where the h*** is your manager?”

    Me: “I am the manager on duty. ”

    Customer #1: *grabs my shirt collar* “That’s bulls***! Women can’t run stores. You’re too dumb! Especially your age!”

    (At that moment, another customer, Customer #2, intervenes. Note that Customer #2 is a petite lady in her late twenties, about as old as me. She stands on her toes, grabs Customer #1’s shoulder, and yanks him around. Then, she slaps him across the face.)

    Customer #1: *stunned* “Wh-wha? Who the h*** do you think you are?”

    Customer #2: “You work at [very successful local legal firm], right?”

    Customer #1: *nods*

    Customer #2: “Well, I own [very successful local legal firm], and you don’t work there anymore.”

    (Customer #1 finally recognizes Customer #2 and gets a horrified look of realization on his face. He sprints out of the store, leaving his groceries on the counter.)

    The Sound Of One Idiot (And) Clapping

    | Manchester, England, UK | Awesome Customers, Top

    (The customer at the front of the queue is talking loudly on their phone, and ignores me when I ask what they want. I decide to ask the person behind them for their order.)

    Customer #1: “Excuse me! I’m at the front. You serve me before him!”

    Me: I’m very sorry, sir. You were on your phone. What can I get you?”

    Customer #1: “Jesus! Stop interrupting me, can’t you see I’m talking to someone?” *continues conversation*

    Customer #2: *quietly, to me* “Follow my lead.” *then, very clearly, at normal speaking volume* “Clap once if you can hear me.”


    Customer #2: “Clap twice if you can hear me.”

    (Claps twice, with me and the person behind him joining in.)

    Customer #2: “Clap three times if you can hear me.”

    (Three claps, more of the queue and the people sat at a nearby table have joined in – most of the other people in the shop have stopped talking to see what the clapping is about.)

    Customer #2: “Clap four times if you can hear me.”

    (Most of the people in the shop clap along with him, with the person on the phone struggling to hear what’s being said by their friend.)

    Customer #2: “Clap five times if you can hear me.”

    (Everyone claps, and Customer #1 hangs up, looking angry.)

    Customer #1: “How dare you interr—”

    Customer #2: “Clap six times if you can hear me.”

    (Everyone, except the now fuming phone guy, claps.)

    Customer #2: “Oh, good. You seem to have finished your call. Why don’t you place your order now?”

    (Customer #1 stutters for a few seconds, then storms out, mashing at his phone.)

    Customer #2: “Oh, well. That was fun.”

    (He got his drink for free, and now we always use that to shut up customers on their phones!)

    When Your Day Hits A High Note

    | Canada | Awesome Customers, Musical Mayhem, Top

    (I have just calmly resolved the issue with an order.)

    Caller: “Can I sing for you?”

    Me: *not knowing what to expect* “Sure, why not?”

    (Surprisingly, the caller proceeded to sing the most beautiful rendition of ‘Smile’ by Nat King Cole. It was so beautiful, I even asked a coworker to come over and listen with me. When the customer was done crooning, I had goosebumps. This definitely made my week and made me SMILE!)

    Never Again

    | Queens, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, History, Top

    (I often go to a diner near my apartment that’s popular with bikers, who are as a rule, very courteous customers. However, the number of motorcycles out front often attracts a crowd of what the regulars call ‘wannabes’. These are people with new motorcycles and flashy tattoos that just want to show off.)

    Customer #1: *showing his friends his arm* “Look at this tat, man. Knife through the heart, and then through an eye. I wanted to show that I’m tough and all, but I wanted something new, so I asked him to add the eyeball.”

    Customer #2: “I got an eye, too. It’s on the palm of my hand. Like the monster from that maze movie.”

    Customer #3: “Aw, man. I could never get anything on my hand. That’s gotta hurt like s***.”

    Regular: *to himself* “P***y.”

    (Unfortunately, the three overhear. They jump up and surround the man.)

    Customer #2: “What, you think you’re so tough? You think your tats are so bada** , huh?”

    (This particular customer is in fact ‘so tough’. He looks old, but he’s a retired police officer.)

    Regular: “At least my tattoos have some kind of meaning to them.” *rolling up his sleeve, pointing to tattoos* “Dead kid. Took a gang off the street. Arson.”

    Customer #1: “You murdered a kid?!”

    Regular: “Nope. Showed up when somebody else did.” *rolling up his other sleeve to reveal a badge tattoo* “Because of this.”

    (Realizing he’s a former policeman, the wannabe customers recoil.)

    Customer #3: “Pig!”

    Regular: “If I still had my nightstick I’d—”

    (Suddenly, the owner’s elder mother appears.)

    Elderly Mother: “Ruhe!” *all four turn to stare at her* “Well, that’s what they used to say to us if we made a fuss about our tattoos, you know.”

    Customer #2: “You got a tattoo, lady? What is it, a ball of yarn?”

    (With that, the mother rolls up her sleeve to reveal a concentration camp tattoo.)

    Elderly Mother: “No, just a number.”

    Customer #1: “What does that even—”

    (Customer #2 suddenly realizes what the tattoo means. He immediately drops some cash on the table, grabs his wannabe friends, and heads out the door at a breakneck pace. The regular? He sits there for about ten minutes staring at his own tattoos, before finally finishing his food and leaving… but not before leaving behind a hundred dollar tip.)

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