October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Category: Awesome Customers

Pint-Sized Theatrics

| Belgium | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids

(I am the lead actress in a play called ‘Man of La Mancha’. During one performance, a small child has been rather vocal during the show, but he was expressing his enjoyment of it, so I didn’t much mind. Later in the show, there is a scene where my character is violently attacked by a group of men. While I’m not in any real danger during the fight, I am acting afraid and screaming for help, so the effect is quite harrowing and the audience is usually hushed. Except for this night.)

Me: *in character, having been thrown to the floor* “Help! Someone please help me!”

(A moment of silence.)

Little boy in audience: *to the men* “You stop that!”

(My fellow actors and I have a good laugh about it backstage for the rest of the show. Afterwards, we go out to greet the audience in costume, at which point the little boy and his parents approach me.)

Mother: “You were all wonderful! And I’m very sorry if my little boy disrupted your performance, but he was very worried about you, and we’ve always taught him to stand up to bullies.”

Me: “Not at all!” *to the little boy* “Thank you for telling those men to stop. You were very brave.”

Little boy: *beaming* “You’re welcome! Are you okay?”

Me: “I’m just fine. It’s all pretend anyway, lil’ guy. We were just pretending to fight, I promise.”

Little boy: *somewhat unsure* “Okay… but if they try to beat you up again, you tell my daddy and he’ll take them to jail.” *gives me a big hug*

Me: *stifling laughter* “Okay, I promise!”

(I heard from one of the other actors who plays the ringleader of the men that he then approached him and told him that hitting girls was very bad, and to never ever do it again. My co-star, playing along, promised not to and told the little boy he had learned a valuable lesson. Now after we play that scene, I always threaten the guys with my pint-sized bodyguard and his policeman father.)

Hard-To-Please-Her Scrooge

| BC, Canada | Awesome Customers, Holidays, Money, Theme Of The Month

(It’s nearing Christmas time, and I am working at the till to cover a coworker’s break. I start to ring through a man’s groceries. Behind him is an old lady, whom I recognize as being a regular. She is always grumpy.)

Man: *quietly* “And I’d like to pay for her stuff, too.”

(I laugh.)

Man: “No, really.”

Me: “Oh! Okay.”

(This has never happened to me before. I look over at the lady’s packages and enter them manually, rather than scanning them, and tell the man his new total.)

Man: “Don’t tell her until after I’m gone.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I finish the transaction, hand him his receipt, and tell him to have a good day. Just as he is about to leave, he drops his wallet. All his cards spill out everywhere, and he has to stop and pick them all up. I put the old lady’s packages in bags and hand them to her.)

Me: “Here you go!”

Old Lady: “What do I owe you?”

Me: “It’s taken care of.”

Old Lady: “What?”

Me: “It’s paid for.”

Old Lady: *scowling* “Who did that?”

(The man is still trying to cram cards back into his wallet without dropping his groceries.)

Me: “Um… him.”

(The old lady starts scowling at him.)

Old Lady: “Why did you do that?”

Man: “Well, it’s Christmas. Merry Christmas.”

(He finally manages to tuck his wallet away and leaves.)

Old Lady: “I know I’ve seen that jerk around somewhere!”

When Toxic Personalities Become Intoxicated

| Nashville, TN, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, School, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am bartending at a neighborhood dive that caters mostly to a set of regulars who were minimum wage or blue collar workers, but occasionally some of the kids from an expensive nearby university would wander in. I am talking to a female regular at the bar who happens to be seated next to a young guy from the college.)

Me: “Hey, did you check out that show I told you about?”

Regular: “Yeah, thanks, it was really funny!”

(We are discussing episodes, when a college kid joins in.)

College Guy: “Hey, I love that show! What season are you up to?”

(For a few minutes, we all engage in friendly conversation until, suddenly, a spoiled and VERY intoxicated college girl in a miniskirt and six-inch heels proceeds to shove my female regular in the back.)

College Girl: “Hey, b****!”

Regular: *calmly turns on her barstool to look at the girl*

College Girl: “Quit talking to my boyfriend, you stupid w****!”

Regular: “Miss, we were just having a polite conversation.”

College Girl: “You think you can steal my boyfriend, you ugly b****?” *she shoves the regular’s shoulder for emphasis* “Stupid f***ing s***! You wanna try and steal my boyfriend?”

Regular: “Miss, I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood. I have a boyfriend of my own.” *untucks a set of dog-tags from her shirt as proof* “I wasn’t hitting on your boyfriend; we were just having a nice chat. Please calm down.”

College Girl: “You think you can just hit on my boyfriend, you f***ing s***? F*** you, you fat ugly b****!”

(She shoves the regular again, and by now I am furiously trying to flag down the bouncer. The bar has gone quiet, and the girls’ friends have nervously gathered behind her to watch the spectacle.)

Regular: “Miss, please do not touch me again.”

College Girl: “You wanna start something, b****? You wanna start something with me? Come on, you stupid w****!”

(Another shove, and this time the regular stands from her stool.)

Regular: “Miss, I’ve asked you nicely, but now I’m telling you. Do. Not. Touch. Me. Again.”

College Girl: “Let’s go, w****! I’ll f*** you up!”

(Mid-sentence, she tries to shove my regular again, but this time the regular catches the college girl’s arm and delivers a powerful right cross to her face, knocking her out cold. The regular watches the drunk college girl drop to the floor like a sack of potatoes, then sits back down on her barstool and turns back to the bar. The college girl’s friends proceed to pick the woozy girl up off the ground in time for bouncer to escort them all to the parking lot.)

Regular: *to the bouncer* “Me, too?”

Bouncer: “H***, no! I saw the whole thing, girl! You sit your a** back on that stool and order a beer on me.”

(The regular and I exchange smiles as I pull her usual up from the cooler. It’s at this point that we both notice that the college guy who was the cause of the whole mess looking at the regular with his jaw on the floor.)

Regular: “Hey, man, sorry about your girlfriend, but I did warn her.”

College Guy: “Okay, let me stop you right there. That was not my girlfriend. I had never even met that girl before tonight. I have no idea what the h*** she was talking about. And that was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. So the bouncer can get the next round, but that one’s on me.”

(One of the girl’s friends ended up coming back in and apologizing for her pal’s erratic behavior, and offered to buy a round for my regular, too. After that night, every regular in the place usually bought one for ‘One-Punch’ whenever she came in, until she moved away to marry her soldier boyfriend!)

Closed Store, Open Kindness

| NC, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money

(We close in five minutes and since it has been a slow night, my coworker and I have turned off the lights in the cases and wrapped the pastries. A customer walks in and my coworker turns on the lights in the cases.)

Customer: “Are you closed?”

Me: “No, sir. We close in just a few minutes.”

Customer: “Oh! I’m so sorry. I just need to pick up some coffee beans and dessert. I’ll be fast!”

Me: “Don’t worry, you’re okay.”

(I get his coffee beans while my coworker cuts him a slice of cake. She goes to the back to wash the knife while I ring him up.)

Me: “Your total is [total.]”

Customer: “Here you go.” *hands me his credit card* “I am so sorry; I thought you closed at 9:00.”

Me: “It’s no problem, really.”

(He looks into the tip jar, which is empty because we have already split the tips.)

Customer: “Oh, your tip jar is empty. Well here, you two can split this.” *drops money into jar*

Me: “Thank you, have a good night!”

Customer: “You too!”

(I expected a dollar in the tip jar, but it was a $10 bill!)

The Deal Of His Life

| NJ, USA | Awesome Customers, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am being served in a gas station, when a drunk customer approaches the clerk.)

Drunk Customer: “Do you sell beer?”

Clerk: “Of course, sir. Right over there.”

(The clerk starts to ring my up my purchases, but the drunk customer shoves them aside and drops a pair of six-packs on the counter.)

Clerk: “I, uh—”

(I nod for him to go ahead. Just then, the door opens behind me and four uniformed police officers come in. There are three police cars parked out front, and one of the cops is quite loudly talking into a radio.)

Drunk Customer: “Hey! You overcharged me. I saw you. Dirty Jew!”

Clerk: “I… um… I’m Irish Catholic.”

Cop: “Sir, do we need to—”

Clerk: “No, no, just let him—”

Drunk Customer: *turns around and faces me* “Yo, little lady! Don’t say a word of what you’re about to see. Got it?” *to clerk* “Y’know the guy who worked here before you? They threw him in jail for dealing heroin.”

Clerk: “Yes, um, I remember that.”

Drunk Man: “So, sell me some f***ing heroin!”

Clerk: “I, uh…” *he takes cover behind the counter*

Cop: “Okay, buddy, we need to-”

(The drunk customer pulls a gun from his pants. It’s small, orange-tipped, and says ‘SUPER FUN CAP GUN’ on the side. However, the cops can’t see it, and they draw their guns.)

Me: *to the cops* “It’s a toy! It’s a cap gun!”

(Hearing this, one cop quickly holsters his gun and tackles the man.)

Drunk Customer: *as he’s dragged away by the cops* “Yo, b****! I told you not to tell! We had a deal, we had a deal!”

(Fast forward some time, and note that both the drunk customer and I have some pretty unique and visible tattoos. I’m at a cafe.)

Waiter: “Excuse me, miss, but I have to ask, I think I recognize your tattoos.”

Me: *noticing his* “Gas station, four cops, cap gun?”

Waiter: “I never got to thank you for intervening on my behalf. I should have been shot that day.”

(We chat for a while. After the conversation, he tells me my meal’s on the house. Unfortunately for him, I’ve gotten the same thing I always do, so I leave the amount, plus a decent tip, anyway. As I’m leaving, he notices what I’ve done.)

Waiter: “Yo, b****! I told you not to pay! We had a deal!” *notices shocked patrons* “Uh, hope you enjoyed your coffee.”

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