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    Category: Awesome Customers

    Being The Bigger Man

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am standing in a line for a checkout at a supermarket, when I look over and see a family with two kids in another line. The kids are throwing stuff everywhere, tins, bottles, and jars. The cashier, a young girl, is frantically trying to calm them down. Note: I’m pretty big, about 6’3″ and broad, plus I have a black eye, cut nose and a cut across my lip from a sports match the day before.)

    Cashier: *to kids* “Please stop throwing things. Someone’s going to get hurt.”

    Father: “How dare you! You people just get off on telling other people what to do! You’re all just fascists, that’s what!”

    Cashier: “Look, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but your kids are going to end up hurting someone, and then it’ll be a big problem for all of us.”

    Mother: “Are you threatening us?”

    Cashier: *looking shocked and confused* “No! Not at all. I’m just saying that it would be best if you asked your children to stop before someone gets hurt.”

    Father: “You’re still making threats! Either you stop with that right now or I swear to God I will give you a big problem! I’m going to make you sorry you were born, unless you shut the f*** up right now!”

    (I catch the cashier’s eye, and she looks hopeless. I bend down, pick up a tin thrown by one of the kids and quietly move to just behind the parents.)

    Me: “Excuse me.”

    (They spin round. The father is not that tall, about 5’10″, so he’s pretty much looking me in the neck. I point at my black eye and battered face.)

    Me: “One of your kids just hit me in the face. Is this a problem I should take up with you personally, or should I just call the police?”

    (I’m looming over him now, very much invading his personal space.)

    Father: “Oh, God, I’m sorry! I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

    Me: “I would recommend you apologise to the nice lady who’s been putting up with you for the last 10 minutes without calling the police. It seems she’s had far more to deal with than me!”

    Peaking At High School Isn’t F-U-N-N-Y

    | USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Top

    (I’m having a particularly bad day. Customer #1 is a male in his 40′s while Customer #2 is a female in her 20′s.)

    Customer #1: *waving a book in my face* “I want my godd*** money back!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have your receipt, sir?”

    Customer #1: “No. But you’re giving me my money back, you stupid wh***! You have no right to defy me!”

    Me: *taken aback* “I’m sorry, but the best I can do without a receipt is store credit.”

    Customer #1:” No, the best you will do is money! M-U-N-N-Y. Get it? I got this book because I never finished reading it in high school, and it sucks!”

    (At this point, the Customer #2, the customer in line behind him, speaks up. She’s over a foot shorter than the male customer.)

    Customer #2: “Congratulations, numb nuts. At 40, you finally made it through a high school level book, and you still can’t spell ‘money’.”

    Customer #1: *wheeling around* “How dare you?! Do you know who I am?”

    Customer #2: *dryly* “Someone who never figured out how to work a breath mint?”

    Customer #1: *leering down at her* “Who do you think you are?”

    Customer #2: *sounding bored* “I am so displeased to meet you.”

    Customer #1: *spluttering* “How da—the nerve, I mean—really!”

    (He grabs his book and storms off.)

    Me: *laughing* “Wow. That was hilarious.”

    Customer #2: *joking* “He can’t words good. I bet that happens a lot, yea?”

    Me: “More than anybody would like. What can I help you with?”

    Customer #2: “I have an exchange. Got the wrong edition, you know. But, I do have my receipt.”

    (Customer #2 ended up getting hired at our store about a month later!)

    There’s Something In Those Poppy Seeds

    , | NYC, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top

    (My boss is known for being very strict, and demanding ‘good customer relations.’ He reprimands us if we say things that he thinks are ‘unprofessional,’ which has forced us to be very formal with everyone who comes into the shop. Today, he’s running late.)

    Customer: “Can I get a toasted everything bagel, and-” *turns to daughter* “What do you want?”

    Customer’s daughter: *about eight years old* “Poppy seeds and cream cheese!”

    Customer: “…and a poppy seed bagel with cream cheese.”

    Co-worker: “Sure, here’s your poppy seed. Just give me a minute to toast the everything.”

    Customer’s daughter: *after a few seconds* “Mommy.”

    Customer: “We’re almost ready to go, dear, mommy just needs her bagel too.”

    Customer’s daughter: “Mommy…I dropped my bagel and the cream cheese is dirty.”

    Co-worker: “Don’t worry about it. Here’s a new one for free.”

    Customer’s daughter: *very excited* “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

    Customer: “Bagel bagel bagel bagel!”

    Me: *handing the customer her bagel* “Here’s your BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

    Coworker: *joining in* “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

    (Suddenly, my boss walks in the door. My coworker, the customer, and I all shut up and look embarrassed. The daughter doesn’t stop.)

    Customer’s daughter: “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

    Boss: “When in Rome. BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

    All three of us: “BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!”

    (My boss is still serious, but whenever that customer comes in, he starts screaming ‘BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL’ over and over again!)

    The Not So Great Gatsby

    | Redmond, WA, USA | Awesome Customers, Pets & Animals

    (A man sporting a heavy metal t-shirt, torn jeans, facial piercings and green hair approaches my register. As he gets closer I notice he’s cradling a small cat in his arms.)

    Man: “Hey… umm… this is probably going to sound kind of weird but I was just in the parking lot and—”

    (He’s promptly cut off by a shrill scream. We both turn to see a horrified lady charging towards us like a rabid rhino.)

    Lady: “What the h*** are you doing?!”

    Man: “Oh, there you are! Listen—”

    Lady: “Get your filthy meat hooks off my Gatsby! You monster! Let him go!”

    (She violently starts trying to beat the man with her purse. Braving the blows, the man hands the cat over to her.)

    Lady: “Oh, my poor Gatsby! Did the horrible man hurt you? Oh, don’t you worry, I’ll make him pay!” *glaring at me* “You! Call the police right now! And you!” *turns to the punk* “Don’t move! I’m going to see you in jail for trying to kidnap my Gatsby!”

    Man: “Really? Well before you do that ma’am I should warn you that I intend to report you to the SPCA for endangering the life of your pet.”

    Lady: “What?”

    Man: “You left your car window rolled all the way down, and dear Gatsby there climbed out after you went in. I very nearly hit him as he ran out into the parking lot so I thought it only right that I bring him in where he wouldn’t be at risk of getting lost, run over, or kidnapped. Are you saying I should’ve just left him out there where anything could’ve happened, and you thus would most likely have had to go home minus your darling pet?”

    (The lady turns red, drops her shopping, and promptly runs out of the store with her cat.)

    This Customer’s Spirit Is Unsinkable

    , | Derbyshire, England, UK | Awesome Customers, Movies & TV, Top

    (I am quite well-spoken and have what many people refer to as a ‘posh’ accent.)

    Me: “Alright, so that will be £24, please!”

    Customer: “You’re far too posh to be working in a place like this!”

    Me: “Why, thank you! I do tend to hear that rather often! I’ve got to pay my way through university somehow, I suppose.”

    Customer: “Ooh yes! You sound just like that Kate Winslet!”

    Me: “Um, thank you! Have a good night!”

    (About one week passes, when the customer comes through again, this time with her entire family in tow.)

    Customer: “It’s Kate Winslet!”

    Me: “Hello again! How are you all this evening?”

    Customer: “I’d be better if you could just talk at my kids a second!”

    Me: “Okay then. I mean, what would you like me to say?”

    Customer: “They’ve been watching Titanic all week getting ready for this. Say that bit when she’s stuck on the door at the end!”

    Me: “Um… ‘I’ll never let go, Jack!’”

    Customer: *to her kids* “Ha! Didn’t I tell you she sounded just like her?!”

    Me: “Well, I’m glad you liked it. Is there anything else I can help you all with tonight?”

    Customer: “Oh, no thank you, darling. Just stay as you are. It’s so nice to be served by people that are just so happy!”

    (These customers are now regulars, who not only ask me to quote Titanic every time they come through, but also got one of my coworkers to do the ‘Gangnam Style’ dance.)

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