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    Category: Awesome Customers

    An Off-Color Purchase

    | Dedham, MA, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

    (I work in the beer and wine department of a large supermarket chain. A very elderly customer comes in a couple times a month and asks us to give him two different white wines, six bottles of each. This day, he approaches me.)

    Customer: “Could you help me? I want two red wines, six bottles of each.”

    Me: “What do you typically like?”

    Customer: “I don’t care. What do you think I’ll like?”

    (I suggest a couple wines, he takes them without complaint.)

    Customer: “You know, for ten years I’ve been drinking nothing but white wine, because I didn’t want to spill it and stain the carpet. But you know what I realized? F*** it!”

    Waiting For The Bad Customer That Never Comes

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Time

    (I’m getting food at a rather well-known fast-food joint that specializes in American-Chinese cuisine. I’ve just finished placing a large order.)

    Cashier: “The [dish] is out right now. Would you like something else, or would you like to wait? It’ll be about 10 minutes to make another batch.”

    Me: “I’m fine with waiting. Thank you.”

    Cashier: “Okay, that’ll be [total]. Can I have your name so I can call you when it’s all ready?”

    (I give her my name, pay, and take a step back to wait. About three minutes pass and I notice her walking out to me with a cup.)

    Cashier: “Sir, I’m sorry it’s taking so long. Would you like a complimentary drink?”

    Me: “Uh… sure, I guess. It’s really no problem though. Only 10 minutes, right?”

    Cashier: “Thank you for being so understanding!”

    (She hands me the cup and goes back to serving other customers. Another three minutes pass and I notice one of her coworkers is waving me over to the counter.)

    Coworker: “We’re really sorry for the wait, sir. Would you like a complimentary order of egg rolls for your trouble?”

    Me: “Thank you for the offer, but no. Seriously, I’m really fine with the wait. It’s no problem.”

    Coworker: “Okay, then. Just let us know if there’s anything we can do for you.”

    (I step back from the counter and wait a few more minutes until the cashier calls my name.)

    Cashier: “Here you are, sir! I’m so sorry for the delay, I tossed in a few orders of egg rolls and rangoon because it took so long.”

    Me: “Really, that’s very nice, but you didn’t have to do that. You were up-front with the wait time and it took almost exactly what you told me. You really don’t owe me any free food or even the drink.”

    (Suddenly it all clicks.)

    Me: “People still freak out when they have to wait even after you tell them how long it’s going to be, don’t they?”

    Cashier: “You have no idea. Have a great day!”

    Bagged Himself A Steal

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Awesome Customers, Criminal/Illegal, Wild & Unruly

    (I work as a cart attendant at a popular retail store. It is a rather slow day and my coworker and I are getting ready to go get more carts when I hear our undercover security guard yelling.)

    Undercover Guard: “[Security Guard], stop this guy! He stole an iPod!”

    (The security guard heads the guy off at the front but the shoplifter pulls a knife.)

    Shoplifter: “Let me by or I’ll cut the s*** out of you!”

    (Due to company policy, the security guard has to let him pass due to safety reasons. The shoplifter tries to run out the entrance while a rather elderly looking man is entering. The elderly man then proceeds to clothesline the thief, jump on top of him, punch him in the face, and disarm him. The elderly man stands up.)

    Elderly Man: “I got him!”

    (All four of us are astonished at what has just happened. As the security guard hauls the shoplifter into the security office to await the police my fellow cart attendant and I start talking to the old man.)

    Coworker: “That was the coolest thing I’ve seen all year!”

    Me: “Yeah, where did you learn to do that!?”

    Elderly Man: “Oh, that was nothing! I learned how to do that from my DI in basic years ago!”

    (It turns out he was a Marine veteran who fought through WWII, the Korean War, and Vietnam! Needless to say the man was made an honorary employee and given the employee discount for life!)

    In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You

    | Bronx, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Criminal/Illegal, Language & Words

    (The phone rings.)

    Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Pizza… Oh, f***, not again.”

    (She hangs up. A few customers come and go, and the phone rings again.)

    Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Piz— f*** this!”

    Customer: “Hey, lady, problem with the phone?”

    Cashier: “Some sicko keeps calling from a blocked number and making creepy comments.”

    Customer: “Hang on. I gotta go find my friend.”

    (He pays and leaves… and comes back with a 6’8″ NYPD cop.)

    Cop: *with a minor Russian accent* “I hear you’re having a problem with a caller?”

    Customer: “No, no. Do the accent! Make it f***in’ scary!”

    Cop: *in a deeper voice with a thick accent* “Excuse me. I hear you have problem with caller?”

    (The cashier explains. The cop orders a slice of pizza and he and his friend sit and chat for a few minutes. Then the phone rings.)

    Cashier: “It’s a blocked number!”

    Cop: *on the phone, with the accent* “Hello…. You are thinking my body is what? I am thinking your body probably very fragile. Very easy to— Oh, he hung up.”

    (They stare at the phone a few minutes.)

    Customer: “Problem solved?”

    Cashier: *to customer* “So… is your buddy there single?”

    Cop: *in accent* “Boris have many women. All are love him!”

    Customer: “You’re married and your name isn’t Boris!”

    Cop: “Boris is name of accent. Has life of its own.”

    Those Books Can Be Killer To Finish

    | KY, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Books & Reading, History

    (I’m the customer in this situation:)

    Me: “I’m looking for a copy of Les Mis and I found several different copies from different publishers. What do you recommend?”

    Staff Member: “Well, it depends. Do you want a smaller-size copy that’d fit in your purse so you can take it anywhere?”

    Me: “Well… the print in those can get pretty tiny… Actually, I’m looking for a book hefty enough to kill someone with.”

    Staff Member: “…”

    Me: “Sorry.”

    Staff Member: “In that case, I suggest Tolstoy or Proust.”

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