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    Category: Awesome Customers

    Self-Helpless Against Stupidity

    | Middletown, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (One of the local supermarkets recently ‘upgraded’ their self-checkout systems. While nominally faster, the new systems are more complicated and far more prone to bugs. The first time I hit the ‘use a coupon’ button the whole screen is covered with a ‘please wait for attendant’ warning. One of the workers comes over.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; I don’t know what happened.”

    Attendant: “Let me guess. You needed to use a coupon?”

    Me: “Um… yeah?”

    Attendant: “No problem. One second.”

    (She swipes her ID card, types in a code, swipes the coupon, hits ‘done,’ and puts it in the slot.)

    Attendant: “There you go.”

    Me: “I guess there’s a problem with the coupon part?”

    Attendant: “Yeah, we had a rash of people having issues with the sensor when putting the coupons in the slot who were just about ripping the machine apart instead of asking for any help at all.”

    Me: “There’s no way they’d be that—”

    (As if scripted, there’s suddenly a loud banging just behind us at the other machine; another shopper’s receipt jams in the printer because they tried to yank it out before it was done printing, and she is now PUNCHING the printer to try to get it to work.)

    Me: “…okay, thank you for the help. Have a nice day and God’s speed, brave warrior!”

    Attendant: “Once more into the breach!”

    Human Kindness Is A Simple Formula

    | TX, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Money

    (A couple with a small child comes up to my register with a WIC transaction, which goes through without a problem until…)

    Me: “I am sorry but your formula didn’t go through.”

    (The couple is buying nine containers of formula at around $18 each.)

    Mother: What? Let me see.

    (I show them the slip and the starting balance, which shows no formula was offered through the program.)

    Father: “Great… and it’s Sunday so we can’t call them. Well, take off all but one and we’ll talk to them tomorrow.”

    (I nod and take allow them to purchase just the one can of formula with the rest of their items.)

    Me: “I’m sorry about that but h—”

    (At this moment the next customers in line, both 20ish year old females cut in.)

    Female #1: *handing me $20* “I’ll buy one of them.”

    Mother: *shocked* “Y… you don’t have—”

    Female #2: *doing the same* “We had parents that were just like you; please allow us to help.”

    Mother: *nearly to tears* “N… no, please don’t.”

    (Eventually, the pair got the mother to the accept the gifts, and when the pair was done with their regular purchases, I still couldn’t believe what happened and that there were still people who believed in the simple formula of human kindness!)

    Got Him Out Of A Pickle

    | AZ, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (It is nearing the end of my shift and I am busy with cleaning the lobby since I have no customers. A girl’s volleyball team from one of the local schools enters and I wait on them. When they sit at their tables, they begin getting quite loud and obnoxious, deliberately spilling their meals everywhere, and some even throwing pickles at the window and seeing if they could really race them as they slid down, like in the movie ‘Billy Madison.’ While they are getting ready to leave, I am getting the mop bucket and such ready to clean up the mess straight away. The coach of the volleyball team stops me.)

    Coach: “Give me those.”

    Me: “Oh, no, sir. It’s quite all right. This is just part of my job.”

    Coach: “I understand that, but my girls were very irresponsible tonight. I need to teach them this kind of behavior is not acceptable.”

    (In a surprised daze, I give all my cleaning supplies over to the man and he gathers up all the girls.)

    Coach: *to his team* “You think this kind of behavior is funny? That you can just come in here, make complete fools of yourself, trash the place up, and just leave? I expected better from all of you. I hope you all have as much fun doing this young man’s job for him as you had making this mess.”

    (The coach forced his entire team to clean up the mess, from sweeping to mopping to cleaning off the windows, until the entire lobby was clean. The entire time he watched with a look of disappointment. I applauded the man for taking amazing action with teaching a lesson above and beyond a spot.)

    Just Telling It Like It Is

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Bizarre

    (Two customers approach the counter, the first being a tall, bald man and the second being an elderly lady.)

    Customer: “Hi. I’m every customer ever, and I have a bunch of stupid questions and unreasonable demands.”

    Me: “Hi. I’m every employee ever, and I present a negative attitude as well as an unforgivable ignorance of both the products my employer sells and how to conduct myself civilly with other human beings.”

    Customer: “Like an idiot, I have approached you with no idea what I want. But I nevertheless expect you to keep your full attention on me while I waste your time.”

    Me: “That’s fine. I’ve already tuned you out and began to sing the theme song to Duck Tales to myself in my head as you bring us collectively closer to death without having accomplished anything meaningful.”

    Customer: “Regarding [liquor], I will now proceed to barrage you with questions about it that either you have no way of knowing, or which I should already d*** well know the answers to.”

    (I hand him a bottle of the liquor he mentioned and start to ring it up.)

    Me: “I respond to your worthless questions with vague and unsatisfying responses, as my cranial faculties are occupied with lewd and lascivious irrelevancies. That will be [price], you personification of the downfall of western civilization.”

    Customer: “I object to the price quoted, even though it is clearly indicated on the shelf behind you, and suggest some sort of extortion on your part, undoubtedly fueled by prejudice towards some aspect of my appearance, race, culture, or creed.”

    Me: “Although mentally I am most certainly questioning your intelligence, parentage and/or upbringing, I merely offer transparently insincere apologies.”

    Customer: “I proclaim in brash and vulgar terms my dissatisfaction. I make a laughable and grandiose claim of my own importance, such as being a millionaire, the brother of your company’s CEO, or perhaps the good old-fashioned ‘Do you have any idea who I am?’ I further suggest that I could have you fired effortlessly and fully intend to do so for the insufficient quantity of butt-kissing you have exhibited toward me over the course of this transaction.”

    Me: “I sadly inform you that my superior is not present on the premises and unhelpfully refer you to the company help line. Quietly I memorize the details of your face so that I can fantasize about committing acts of unspeakable and grotesque violence toward same at some later date.”

    (The customer begins walking out the door.)

    Customer: “Vague and impotent threat to your person and questioning of your sexual orientation!”

    Me: “Sarcastic suggestion to have a nice day!”

    (He walks out the door. The old lady behind him looks thoroughly perplexed by our exchange.)

    Old Lady: “Who was that?”

    Me: *shrugging* “My manager.”

    Lucky In Card(ed)s

    , | Tampa, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink

    Waitress: “What would you like to drink?”

    Me: “I’ll have a rum and Coke.”

    Friend: “I’ll have Guinness.”

    Waitress: “May I see some ID?”

    (My friend and I look at each other in shock. I am just shy of turning 50 and my friend is in his mid-50s, and we both have classic male pattern baldness. There isn’t a chance on earth either of us could be confused with being minors.)

    Me: “Are you serious?”

    Waitress: *looking a bit embarrassed* “It’s policy.”

    (Generally, policy is to card people who look 30 or under. We don’t even look close to that. My friend is from England where carding is basically non-existent.)

    Friend: “Young lady, I have never once been carded in my entire life. Congratulations, you are the very first.”

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