Category: Pets & Animals

Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

Heartlessness Is In the Heart Of The Beholder

| Omaha, NE, USA | Pets & Animals

(A customer walks in with two young dogs.)

Me: “Hello. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, these two dogs belonged to my mother, who recently passed away. Her dying wish was to have them buried with her.”

Me: “I don’t understand.”

Customer: “I would like them euthanized, so I can have them cremated and put into her casket with her.”

Me: “How old are they? Do they have any health issues?”

Customer: “They are two years old. They are healthy, but you need to put them down, now! I need them to be buried with my mother, so they can join her in heaven!”

Me: “Ma’am, we will not euthanize two perfectly healthy dogs.”

Customer: *while walking out* “Fine! You people are heartless!”

If It Looks Like A Cow And Moos Like A Cow

, | Wisconsin, USA | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

(Due to difficulties returning from a petting zoo, my mother and I had a 3 month old calf riding in the front seat of our truck. We were hungry so we went thru a drive thru on our way home. After we ordered we drove up to the first window.)

Cashier #1: “Your total is [total]. Is that a real cow?”

Mom: “Why, yes, she is.”

(The cashier gives my mom the change and points the animal out to her coworkers around her. We drive up to the second window.)

Cashier #2: “Here’s your order. Is that cow real?”

Cow: “Mooooo!”

Mom: “As you can see, she is real and really hungry, so thank you for the hamburgers. She will really enjoy them.”

Bad Karma Chameleons

| Honolulu, HI, USA | Pets & Animals

Customer: “Excuse me, why do you sell live crickets?”

Me: “They’re bought as food for Jackson Chameleons, birds, and other animals. They have to be sold live because Jackson Chameleons have poor eyesight and can only see their food if it’s moving.”

Customer: “That’s terrible! So they’re just going to die?”

Me: “Well, chameleons have to eat, too. But it’s okay. It happens so fast that the crickets won’t see it coming.”

Customer: “That’s so cruel! Why doesn’t someone tell them?! If I was going to be eaten, I’d certainly want to know!”

Just Another Mild Mannered Horse

| New Hampshire, USA | Pets & Animals

(I work in the barn, where I explain the rules of our corn maze. There are usually two or three horses in there as well, one of which is white.)

Customer: “That is a beautiful unicorn.”

Me: “He’s a handsome boy all right. Just missing the horn. You can pat him if you like.”

Customer: “But he is white, and strong like unicorn! They are very strong.”

Me: “He would make a very nice unicorn. He’s a Percheron, though, so no horn.”

Customer: “He must hide his horn, to protect! He cannot always be a unicorn!”

Free Derange

| Venice Beach, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, what does free range chicken mean?”

Me: “That means our chickens are not raised in cages. They get to walk around outside, which is important to the quality of life for the animals.”

Customer: *with a horrified expression* “How do you make sure they don’t eat bugs and stuff while they’re outside?”

Me: “We make sure the farmers put up a sign that says ‘Don’t Eat Bugs’ in chicken scratch so they can read it.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll take two breasts.”

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