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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Not Quite An Eggs-pert

    | St Paul, MN, USA | Pets & Animals

    Me: “Oh, what kind of pet do you have?

    Customer: “Parakeets. I think one of them is pregnant. I saw them having sex the other day.”

    Me: “Birds don’t get pregnant, they lay eggs. In fact, I used to have a female parakeet that would lay eggs all the time.”

    Customer: “Did they ever hatch?”

    Me: “No, she lived by herself, so they weren’t fertilized.”

    Customer: “Oh, is that what the male is for?”

    Related:
    Asking The Eggs-pert

    With Customers Like These, Who Needs Anemones

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Pets & Animals

    Guest: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

    Me: “Hi there! Do you have a question?”

    Guest: “Yes. What is this?” *points to a specimen*

    Me: “That is called a sea anemone.”

    Guest: “Oh…” *walks away, only to walk back a few moments later* “What are they the enemies of?”

    Wifi Works Best With A Mouse

    | Newark, NJ, USA | Pets & Animals, Technology

    Customer: “Hi, I’m interested in this ‘wifi’ you’ve got. I want it in my house.”

    Me: “Do you have a cable or DSL connection?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Do you have a device hooked up to a phone line or cable line that gives you internet?”

    Customer: “Yes, I do. Can you bring me a wifi?”

    Me: “Sure miss, we’ve got our routers all over in this area.”

    Customer: “Routers? Won’t that scare the wifi away?”

    Morbid Curiosity Killed The Cat

    | Utah, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Pets & Animals

    (I answer a crisis hot line for suicide, depression, drugs, any sort of thing they want to talk about.)

    Me: “[Name of Crisis Line]. My name is [name]. Do you feel comfortable sharing your first name?”

    Caller: ”Do people really ever call this line?”

    Me: “Yes, they certainly do. What’s on your mind today?”

    Caller: “Well that’s stupid. Do you just listen to depressed people all day?”

    Me: “I listen to whatever is on their mind. That’s what we’re here for.”

    Caller: “You should just tell them to off themselves.”

    Me: “Sir, if you would like to speak to an operator, I’m right here. If you are prank calling us, that is a misdemeanor and we will prosecute.”

    Caller: *obviously faking it* “Oh… well you see …my… um… my… cat…died.”

    Napoleon Dynamite Goes To The Zoo

    | Quebec, Canada | Pets & Animals

    (I am in front of the tigers’ exhibit.)

    Visitor: “Excuse me, where is the lion?”

    Me: “There are on the other side of the park. Just follow the path to your right.”

    Visitor: “What? You don’t keep the lions and tigers together?”

    Me: “No. In the wild, they don’t live together.”

    Visitor: “But how do they reproduce? The male lion needs to be with the female tiger!”

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