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  • A Very Purr-sonable Cat
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  • May Theme Of The Month: Movie Mayhem!

    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Taking Care Of Business At Your Business

    | Richmond, VA, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I work in big box retail. I walk out to the garden center to see dog poop on the floor. An old lady is fifty feet away with a dog.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, we only allow service animals in the store. Otherwise it’s a health code violation, and that is an example of why. Can I get you to clean up after your dog, please?”

    Customer: “What?! He didn’t do that!”

    (I manage not to say, ‘Did you do it, then?’)

    Me: “Ma’am, he’s the only dog in the store, and this is why we do not allow them. The cashier will be glad to give you a plastic bag.”

    Customer: “Well, can I finish my shopping first?”

    Me: “No, I don’t want another customer to step in it. Please clean it up.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want to walk all the way [to the register]; can you bring me the bag?”

    (We are literally ten feet away from the register.)

    Me: “Here you go, ma’am. Thank you for taking care of that.”

    Customer: “I still don’t think he did it.”

    (I walked away. Quickly.)

    The Art Of Telepathy

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I do pet portraits for extra money to make it through college. Most of the purchases are mundane, somebody’s cat or dog, but I am eventually approached by a very strange woman carrying a stack of papers.)

    Woman: Hello. You’re the one who draws animals, yes?

    Me: Found me! So, what do you–?

    Woman: Oh, good! Because I have something I want you to do for me.

    (She digs through her papers and hands me a printed photo of a taxidermy tree kangaroo. Needless to say, I’m confused.)

    Me: Oh? Is this what you–?

    Woman: Yes, yes. I went to the Smithsonian and I love that animal. I was wanting to know if you could maybe go out of the way of what you regularly do? I know it’s not a pet, but it’s still an animal…”

    (As odd as it sounds, hearing it’s a photo from a trip made it make a little more sense. We discuss pricing and what she wants. She’s adamant that the photo is what she wants, so I work from that, but I keep her updated throughout just to make sure I’m on the right track. When I am finished, I call her to come pick up the piece.)

    Woman: “Oh.”

    Me: “Something wrong?”

    Woman: “Oh. No. Except…”

    (She fidgets, then gestures at the finished product.)

    Woman: “It’s wrong. The wrong color.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Woman: “There’s another color of tree kangaroo. I wanted the other color.”

    Me: “You gave me a photo to work from. You said that’s what you wanted.”

    Woman: “Yes, well, that was the pose I wanted.”

    Me: “You’ve been approving it every stage of the way.”

    Woman: “But this is the wrong color of tree kangaroo.”

    Me: “Why didn’t you tell me you wanted a different color?”

    Woman: *sighing heavily* I figured it was obvious.”

    Me: “I should have just… known?”

    Woman: “You’re the artist. I thought you knew those things.”

    (She did eventually pay, but informed me that I should learn to ‘sync’ with my clients better, because, as the artist, I should just ‘know’ things. To this day, I still tell all my friends about the tree kangaroo lady who was convinced I should be telepathic.)

    The Customers Are The Biggest Pest

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I recently started training for a pest control company setting up free inspections for ants, spiders, rodents, etc. This older gentleman is one of my very first calls.)

    Caller: “I think there’s something in my crawl space and I need to know what it is!”

    Me: “Okay, I would be happy to get a free technician out to identify what’s down there and give you a solution.”

    Caller: “You can’t just tell me what it is?”

    Me: “No, sir… We would need to get eyes on it to know what it is.”

    Caller: *urgently* “Oh, no, that won’t do at all. I NEED to know what it is!”

    Me: “In all honesty, sir, bugs and pests are so varied that no one but a tech would be able to diagnose that.”

    Caller: “Can I talk to a tech then?”

    Me: “They’re out in the field currently, but they truly would need to see the pest and the conditions in order to hel—”

    Caller: “Oh, that just won’t work. I’ll call someone else!” *click*

    Trainer: “Who’s he going to call?! Psychic Pest Control?”

    The Lowest Form Of Life In The Zoo

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (I work in retail at a zoo. A teenage girl is talking with her friends and looks over at me.)

    Teenage Girl: “Do you think the animals come alive at night after the zoo closes?”

    The Mother (Nature) Of Stupid Complaints

    | GA, USA | Crazy Requests, Hotels & Lodging, Pets & Animals

    (I’m a night auditor, and the only staff member on duty. I see that the office phone is being rung from a room that has only just checked in:)

    Me: “Front desk. How may I help you?”

    Irate Guest: “How dare you rent me this room! There are bugs! Oh, my God! Bugs!”

    Me: “I’m so very sorry, ma’am. The exterminator comes regularly to prevent this sort of thing, and we have an excellent housekeeping department, but this being Georgia, and the rooms opening to the outside, sometimes it happens. Would you like to move to a different room, or would you prefer a refund?”

    Irate Guest: “Well, a different room won’t do me any good. The bugs are all over the place outside. In the shrubs and around the lights and just everywhere!”

    Me: “Wait. You called to complain because there are bugs outdoors?”

    Irate Guest: “Yes! I’ve never seen such horrible things in my life!”

    Me: “Ma’am, your registration information shows me that you live in Florida. I’ve been to Florida. Y’all have bugs.”

    Irate Guest: “I just want a refund.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t give you a refund based on the fact that you think we should remove bugs from the great outdoors. You can talk to the manager in the morning.”

     

    (The guest slammed the phone down. Minutes later, I saw her car speed out of the parking lot. I briefed the owner/manager the following morning. We had a good laugh, and an even better one after guest came back to demand her refund.)

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