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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Be Sure To Ask For Frickin Laser Beams

    | Lower Saxony, Germany | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I’m refilling a bunch of buckets with pet food when a customer approaches. He’s dressed entirely in black, has long hair, and an intimidatingly large beard. I have previously seen him staring at snakes for a while.)

    Customer: “Hi, I was wondering, which pet would you recommend for an evil overlord?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, for the aspiring world dominator. I want something that looks evil and intimidating…something that can tear my enemies to shreds!”

    Me: “Uh…I’m sorry, sir, the most vile animals we have would be those kittens over there and I don’t think they’re quite big enough to kill someone.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “What about sharks?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry. We don’t have the space for such a big aquarium in here.”

    Customer: “Well, d***. I don’t suppose you have lions or siberian tigers, then?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not.”

    Customer: “D*** right you’re afraid! When I’m your master, I’ll come back with an army of battlehamsters and feed you to them!”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “I’m looking forward to that.”

    (He leaves the shop, but only after buying three hamsters.)

    That’s The Stench Of Your Attitude

    | Portland, OR, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I work at a pet store where people are allowed to bring their pets. Obviously, we expect some pets to have accidents and customers usually are good about cleaning after them.)

    Customer: *walks up to my register* “I need to talk to a manager. I have a complaint.”

    (I call my manager to the register. While we’re waiting, I try to address the customer’s concerns.)

    Me: “He’ll be right up. What’s the matter?”

    Customer: “A dog took a dump right in front of me and the owner was cleaning it up. It was disgusting! I almost puked. I mean, does that happen all the time? Because that’s just disgusting.”

    (My manager comes up to the register, but she keeps going on.)

    Customer: “If this happens all the time, I’m never going to shop here again. This is disgusting, I don’t want to be walking on dog feces and pee.”

    Manager: “Well, this is a pet store and we allow pets. Unfortunately, we expect some of them to go to the bathroom on the floor since they can’t really control it.”

    Customer: “I’m going to call corporate and file a complaint. This is disgusting. I’m never coming here again!” *storms off*

    Fish Don’t Need Air And You Don’t Need Water

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I work in the fish department of a pet store. A customer walks up to me with a bag of 3 dead goldfish.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return these fish.”

    Me: “No problem, would you like to replace them?”

    Customer: “No! This the third time I’ve bought fish from you people and they keep dying on me! I want my money back!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Is everything set up properly in your tank?”

    Customer: “Of course it is! I set it up last week. I have the gravel in there and everything!”

    Me: “Do you have a filter running?”

    Customer: “No, they’re too expensive.”

    Me: “How about an air-stone?”

    Customer: “Why would I need an air-stone? Fish breathe underwater.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, but they still require oxygen. An air-stone or filter dissolves oxygen in the water so the fish can absorb it through their gills.”

    Customer: “What kind of idiot are you? Everyone knows fish don’t need oxygen! That’s why they live in the water!”

    (The customer throws the bag of dead fish to the ground and storms off. She’s never come in the store again.)

    All You Need Is Love

    | Canada | Pets & Animals

    (A customer is looking for a heat lamp for her lizards’ terrarium.)

    Me: “Yes, we have them, both in red and clear.”

    Customer: “Perfect, I love you!”

    Me: “Oh, uh, thanks?”

    (Later, she comes back to get the replacement bulb.)

    Customer: “Sorry about saying ‘I love you’ earlier.”

    Me: “Don’t worry about it, always nice to feel loved.” *hands her bulb and walk her to register*

    Customer: “Great, now my geckos will love you too!”

    Me: “Yay!”

    Unnatural Selection

    | New Jersey, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (A woman is purchasing a long fish called a dojo loach.)

    Customer: “Now, will I need to fill the tank halfway and add some sand for it to crawl onto?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, it’s a fish.”

    Customer: *stares in confused silence*

    Me: “Fish don’t need to crawl onto land to breathe.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “It will be fine in a full aquarium.”

    Customer: “You’d better be right!” *leaves looking dissatisfied*

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