Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!
Customer: “Do you have any wasp spray?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re currently out. Maybe [other store] has it.”
(The customer thanks me and walks away. Thirty minutes later I see him at the checkout with a super-soaker, some lighters and a one liter bottle of lighter fluid. I just stare at him in disbelief.)
Customer: “Wish me luck!”
(I am a Community Assistant. When a resident has a problem with their apartment they have to call the CA Duty phone. However, today is labor day and it’s my day off.)
Resident: “I have a emergency at my apartment!”
Me: “How can I help you sir?”
Resident: “There was a bee’s nest in my roof, but now the bees have come through a crack in the ceiling! My apartment is full of bees!”
Me: “Sir, I would recommend that you call some sort of animal services, but I can’t help you.”
Resident: “Well, why not? Doesn’t the apartment have some sort of procedure for this type of situation?”
Me: “Well, it’s Labor Day and my day off. Plus, you’re supposed to call me for maintenance issues, not insects.”
Resident: “You can’t take the day off! What if there was a medical emergency on a holiday!”
Me: “Then I hope you would call 911.”
Resident: “Don’t they have the day off, too?”
(A customer brings her dog to the front desk in a panic.)
Customer: “My dog has fleas, so I need you to help me. I have been using the flea medication you gave me, but I can still see flea eggs.”
Me: “Ma’am, you can see flea eggs?”
Customer: “I have been trying to pick them off, but they seem to be stuck.”
Me: “Ok, can you show me the eggs you have been trying to pick off?”
(Customer lifts up the dog to show me it’s belly.)
Customer: “See! These!”
Me: “Ma’am, those are not flea eggs, they are his nipples.”
Customer: “Nipples? But he’s a male, how does he have nipples? They have to be flea eggs.”
Me: “I assure you, he has no fleas, and the ‘eggs’ you have been trying to pick off are in fact his nipples.”
Customer: “Get the vet, you don’t know what you’re talking about, he’s a male! He can’t have nipples.”
Me: “Ma’am, do human males have nipples?”
Customer: *stares blankly for a moment* “Well s***!” *walks out*
Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a pet for my daughter. I think she’d like one of those furry things. You know, a pikachu?”
Me: *pause* “A pikachu?”
Customer: “Yeah, you know. It looks like a hamster and a rabbit put together.”
Me: “Do you mean a chinchilla?”
Customer: “Yeah! That’s it!”
(A middle aged couple come into the tropical fish section and ask me about their algae-eating fish.)
Customer: "Hello, we bought some algae eaters a while back, and they died after about 2 weeks. We bought some more and they did exactly the same after 2 weeks and we were just wondering what could have been wrong with them?"
Me: "What have you been feeding them?"
Customer: "Nothing, we thought they ate the algae."
Me: "They do, if there’s enough to go around."
Customer: “Oh dear. Well they did keep the glass awfully clear."