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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    All You Need Is Love

    | Canada | Pets & Animals

    (A customer is looking for a heat lamp for her lizards’ terrarium.)

    Me: “Yes, we have them, both in red and clear.”

    Customer: “Perfect, I love you!”

    Me: “Oh, uh, thanks?”

    (Later, she comes back to get the replacement bulb.)

    Customer: “Sorry about saying ‘I love you’ earlier.”

    Me: “Don’t worry about it, always nice to feel loved.” *hands her bulb and walk her to register*

    Customer: “Great, now my geckos will love you too!”

    Me: “Yay!”

    Unnatural Selection

    | New Jersey, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (A woman is purchasing a long fish called a dojo loach.)

    Customer: “Now, will I need to fill the tank halfway and add some sand for it to crawl onto?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, it’s a fish.”

    Customer: *stares in confused silence*

    Me: “Fish don’t need to crawl onto land to breathe.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “It will be fine in a full aquarium.”

    Customer: “You’d better be right!” *leaves looking dissatisfied*

    Got The Bird, But No Bees Here

    | Toledo, OH, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I work at the African exhibit of a zoo. I have a real ostrich egg that we regularly show to visitors. We only have two female ostriches that occasionally lay an egg. Their keepers take it out, empty the yolk, and give it to our staff for demo purposes.)

    Me: “Hi kids, want to see a real ostrich egg?”

    Kid: “Ooh, why is there a hole in it?”

    Me: “The keepers drilled a hole to get to yolk out, so it doesn’t become rotten. It has a yolk just like a chicken egg you eat for breakfast. We don’t have any boy ostrich so we know there wasn’t a chick inside, only a yolk.”

    (The mother of the kid chimes in.)

    Mother: “The boys lay the eggs with the chicks inside?”

    Me: “No, we only have females so there is no chick, only yolk. It’s like when chicken lay eggs we eat.”

    Mother: “Right, so only the males lay eggs with chicks inside?”

    Me: “No, males don’t lay eggs at all. It takes a boy and a girl to make a chick. Like to make a baby, the boy has to fertilize the eggs?”

    Mother: “Ooh!”

    Bestial Superiority Complexes

    | France | Pets & Animals

    (I’m a customer at the vet with my cat. Another customer walks in with a large dog.)

    Receptionist: “Good morning! Do you have an appointment?”

    Customer: “No, I just need to see the vet for vaccinations.”

    Receptionist: “I’ll let him know you’re in, but you will have to wait. We have another patient with an appointment waiting.”

    Customer: *looks at my cat* “But it’s just some cat! My dog is a pure breed and it cost 1000 euros!”

    Me: “And your point is?”

    Customer: “I’m in a hurry! Can’t you just wait a bit longer? Your cat isn’t a pure breed.”

    Me: “Yes, but she has an appointment and your purebred dog doesn’t.”

    (At this point, the vet comes in and asks me to bring my cat. As I walk in the exam room, I can hear the customer complaining.)

    Customer: “No self-respecting vet would make a pure breed wait!”

    Heartlessness Is In the Heart Of The Beholder

    | Omaha, NE, USA | Pets & Animals

    (A customer walks in with two young dogs.)

    Me: “Hello. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, these two dogs belonged to my mother, who recently passed away. Her dying wish was to have them buried with her.”

    Me: “I don’t understand.”

    Customer: “I would like them euthanized, so I can have them cremated and put into her casket with her.”

    Me: “How old are they? Do they have any health issues?”

    Customer: “They are two years old. They are healthy, but you need to put them down, now! I need them to be buried with my mother, so they can join her in heaven!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we will not euthanize two perfectly healthy dogs.”

    Customer: *while walking out* “Fine! You people are heartless!”

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