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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    As Long As It’s A Tofu Hat

    | USA | Pets & Animals

    (I am a zookeeper, and am taking care of five lions which are new arrivals. We’ve set up a natural habitat for them and they are ready to be introduced to their new home. I press the button that raises the gate between their cage and the habitat, and they begin to examine their new surroundings. As I do this, I get tapped on the shoulder by a visitor.)

    Visitor: “New arrivals?”

    Me: “Yes, just got here this morning.”

    Visitor: “What do they eat?”

    Me: “Well, meat, of course.”

    Visitor: *nods* “I thought so. Then, I am just in time. We need to protect these poor animals!”

    (The visitor hands me a poster about being a vegetarian. I look at it, and then look back at her.)

    Me: “So these lions should NOT eat meat?”

    Visitor: “No, of course not! There are enough healthy alternatives, as listed on this poster!”

    Me: “I don’t think the lions would agree with that. However, they do eat vegetarians; cows and so on, you know. Nature.”

    Visitor: “Oh, no!” *turns to the lions* “I’ll bring tofu tomorrow, you’ll like it!”

    (As she leaves, a female coworker who has overheard the conversation chimes in.)

    Coworker: “If she can do that, I’ll eat my hat!”

    Well-To-Do, If A Bit Daffy

    | USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Top

    (A well-dressed woman enters the store and hands me a note.)

    Customer: “Could you get this order ready for me, please? I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

    (I look at the note, but it’s blank.)

    Me: “There is nothing written on this note.”

    Customer: “Well, I decided to surprise myself today with my purchases.”

    Me: “Okay…that’s new, but I’ll see what I can do!”

    (Ten minutes later, she returns.)

    Customer: “So, what did I buy today?”

    Me: *hands her a bag* “Three pounds of bread crust to feed the ducks in the park. They are free of charge.”

    Customer: *surprised* “Oh! I was planning to go to the hairdresser, but this is…DUCKS, YOU SAY? Well, off to the park, then! Goodbye!”

    Maturity Can Be A Tall Order

    | USA | Pets & Animals

    (At our zoo, during certain times of the day, guests can buy lettuce to feed our giraffes on an observation deck.  One day a man comes up with his family carrying a couple of leafy branches.)

    Guest: “Hey, I found these branches in the woods around the zoo.  Can I feed these to the giraffes.”

    Me: “No, sorry, sir.  The zookeepers determine the diets of the giraffes, and we really can’t feed them anything the keepers haven’t approved.  If you would like to feed them, you can purchase some lettuce.”

    Guest: *disappointed* “Okay, I guess that makes sense.  I’ll get a few pieces of lettuce for my kids.”

    (I return to selling lettuce to other guests, when out of the corner of my eye I see the man holding the branches just out of reach of the male giraffe’s tongue.  The giraffe is clearly desperate to get the leaves, and the man is grinning. My coworker apparently witnesses this as well.)

    Coworker: “Sir, please stop teasing the giraffes.”

    Guest’s Wife: *to her husband* “You’re a 36-year-old man.  You should know better!”

    That’s One Shell Of A Cat-astrophe

    | Michigan, USA | Pets & Animals

    Me: “Welcome to [business name]. How can I help you?”

    Couple: “We need a carpet cleaner. We saw this one in the ad.”

    Me: “It’s right over here.” *takes them to the cleaner*

    Couple: “We have cat vomit everywhere.”

    Me: “Well, this should help. Here are some of its features—”

    Couple: “We can’t even have company over. It’s embarrassing. There is so much cat vomit on the floor!”

    Me: “Well, this one over here has better brushes.” *demonstrates another product*

    Couple: “If our landlord were to see it, we’d get evicted. There is so much cat vomit!”

    Me: “Well, this model is what I recommend.” *still showing features*

    Couple: “…and the cats drag their meat all over the house.”

    Me: “…I’m sorry?”

    Couple: “We feed them raw meat, and they keep dragging it all over the house. It gets in the carpet!”

    Me: “Wow. Yeah, this should help get that out.”

    Couple: “We’ll take it. What sort of soap can we use with this?”

    Me: “It doesn’t matter; it doesn’t have to be the same brand. Here’s some.” *shows them some soap*

    Couple: “Is that going to be safe for our turtle?”

    Me: “Huh?”

    Couple: “We also have a turtle that we let roam around. This soap won’t hurt him, will it?”

    The (H)owling

    | USA | Pets & Animals

    (I call a customer because her order has arrived.)

    Me: “Good morning, this is [store]. Your owl has arrived. You can pick him up at your convenience.”

    Customer: “Great! I’ll come by today!”

    Me: “If you need any advice, you can call us any time.”

    Customer: “Oh, but I’ve read up on owls. Raw meat every day and walks twice a day! And buy ear plugs before every full moon!”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, you know it’s a bird, right?”

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