Category: Pets & Animals

Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

Stale Popcorn, Fresh Mind

| Panama City Beach, FL, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

(I’m working at my zoo’s snack shack. I have to clean the popcorn machine a bit before closing, or else I won’t be done by quitting time. This is approved by my supervisor.)

Woman: “Miss, I need some—oh, did you not make popcorn today?”

Me: “Well, I cleaned out the machine, but it’s bagged so they can use it for the animals tomorrow.”

Woman: “Can I still buy it?” *glances at her two very young children* “I’d have come earlier but they weren’t hungry yet. However, they are dead-set on popcorn.”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s probably cold. Really cold.”

Woman: “I don’t care dear. How much? How’s five dollars?”

Me: “I really think there’s only two dollars with in the bag.”

Woman: “You get five for being so sweet!”

(I ring it up as two anyway, and let her put the change in the donation jar since we don’t take tips. The kids happily take the cold popcorn and start chowing down.)

Woman: “You’re a lifesaver, sweetie! And such good service!”

(When I take the ‘take-up’ to the gift shop, I see the woman with her kids, still eating the popcorn.)

Manager: “Good job. She’s really happy. Bought a mess of merchandise to thank us for hiring ‘such a nice girl!'”

(Both the kids hugged me on my way back out, too!)

Related:
Fresh Popcorn, Stale Mind

Went To The Wrong Joint, Part 2

| CA, USA | Health & Body, Pets & Animals

(Our clinic has an animal hotel which backs out onto the alley behind. The back entrance is for employees and for taking dogs out for walks, and so only has a small sign to indicate it is an animal clinic. It is otherwise an anonymous-looking building, in an alleyway that looks like several others behind our neighboring strip malls. One such alleyway contains a medical marijuana clinic. It is 8 am on a Sunday. A stranger in his early twenties approaches me as I am taking a dog out for his morning business. I am in my scrubs, and so on the street I am sometimes mistaken for a nurse.)

Stranger: “Hey, you work here?”

Me: “Yep, I’m new.”

Stranger: “Okay, cool. They let you bring your dog to work with you?”

Me: “No, this is one of our boarders. Can I help you with something?”

Stranger: “They shouldn’t let you keep dogs in there! What if they ate your stock?”

Me: “I assure you, the pharmacy is kept well away from them. Did you need something?”

Stranger: “Yeah, just a dime.”

Me: *blankly* “I don’t have my wallet with me, I’m sorry.”

Stranger: *also blankly* “No, I mean… could you let me into the building so I can get it?”

Me: *thinking he is joking, I laugh* “The clinic is technically closed, sorry. Besides, I don’t think I want you going through my stuff!”

Stranger: “I don’t get it! My friends said you guys are super helpful! I just want to buy a dime!”

(At this point, I finally putting the pieces together.)

Me: “Ah, actually… we aren’t that kind of clinic. That one is the next alley up, but I’m pretty sure they’re closed at this time of day. We’re an animal clinic.”

Stranger: “S***! Sorry to bother you!”

(The stranger starts to leave in the direction he came from, but then turns around and goes the way I pointed and laughs.)

Stranger: “Yeah… I might be a little high.”

Related:
Went To The Wrong Joint

Barking Mad

| NYC, NY, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month, Top

(An unshaven dirty-looking man carrying a large sack comes running into the main pet room.)

Man: *shouting* “It’s almost Christmas, motherf***ers! And you know what that means!”

Manager: “Uh, Jesus?”

Man: “It’s time for presents, b****!”

Manager: “Can I, uh…”

Man: “I regret that I have but one bag of bones for the puppies! I regret that I have but one bag of tuna for the kittens! I regret that I have but one life to give to these animals!”

(He drops the bag and runs out.)

Manager: “Well, the bag is full of bones and tuna, but I don’t think I can accept food like this. Please wait just a minute; I have to call my boss.”

Manager: *phone* “Yeah, hi. A crazy man just ran in with a bag of… yeah… and then he said that he regrets… oh, really? Every year? Okay, thanks.”

(He hangs up, tidies up the food, and carries it into the back room.)

Manager: “Apparently that was [local celebrity’s] nephew, and he does that every year.”

The Hard-Ball Explanation

| Lexington, KY, USA | Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

(I am a volunteer at an equine rescue center. I am giving a barn tour to a customer’s wife while the manager shows him a horse outside. This morning, we received a stallion and he’s been kept inside until the vet can neuter or ‘geld’ him.)

Me: “And this is [horse name]. He just came in this morning.”

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, he’s pretty! Why isn’t he out with the others?”

Me: “Oh, he’s still a stallion.”

Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

Me: “He hasn’t been gelded yet.”

Customer’s Wife: “I’m sorry dear, I don’t understand horse language.”

Me: “Neutered?”

Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

Me: “He is going to get his boy parts chopped off, ma’am.”

Customer’s Wife: *blushes* “I should go see how my husband is doing…”

Polly Want A Chromosome

, | USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

(I work at my University’s call center, soliciting donations from alumni. We are required to update alums on school news. I’m describing the new biology building to one alum.)

Alum: “Can I use it?”

Me: “The building? Well, it is mainly for current students and faculty, but you are always welcome for a guided tour.”

Alum: “I want to clone my parrot.”

Me: “Pardon me, what was that?”

Alum: “My parrot. It died. But I saved its body in my freezer. I want to clone it.”

Me: “Ma’am, even if alumni were able to use the building, our facility does not have the equipment necessary to clone your parrot.”

Alum: “No! You don’t understand! It was exceptional; it would stack rings and cups for hours. I want you to clone it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m actually a biology major, and I assure you, we cannot clone your parrot.”

Alum: “Well, I’m going to contact the Biology Department. They’ll be more helpful than you are!”

(I’ve always wondered if she did, and if so, what they thought of the request!)

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