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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    A Bona-Fido Idiot

    | NC, USA | Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a dog walker. I’ve focused on an apartment complex near me, and get to know everyone’s dogs very well. The one I have the most trouble with is an Airedale Terrier. He is a biter, and the owner does not allow a muzzle on her dog. Unfortunately, not everyone would heed my warnings about not touching the dog.)

    Man: “Hey, that’s a cute terrier. Can I pet your dog?”

    (In anticipation, I wind the terrier’s leash tighter while keeping an eye on the second dog, which is a mastiff.)

    Me: “Well, sir, he’s not my dog, and I wouldn’t advise petting him as he bites.”

    Man: *stretches his arm towards the dog* “Nonsense, young lady. Terriers are the sweetest things, not like that pit you have there. You really shouldn’t own pits, you know. Crazy dangerous they are.”

    Me: *pulls the dog back* “Sir, that’s a mastiff and neither of these are my dogs. I’m just their walker. Please do not touch the Airedale. He bites.”

    Man: *still tries to pet the dog* “He’s so cute! Look at those little ears and that tail just wagging away!”

    Me: “Sir, for the third time, please do not put your hand near the dog.”

    Man: “Let’s give you a little pat eh-YRROUCH! He bit me!”

    Me: *exasperated* “Yes, sir. He did. Did he break the skin?”

    Man: “Your dog is crazy! You should be arrested for bring a dangerous animal in public!”

    Me: “Sir, I did warn you and for the last time it is not my dog.”

    Man: “What if I was a child?!”

    Me: “You certainly have the logic of one.”

    Tall Tail Tales

    | BC, Canada | Pets & Animals

    (I am working in the lobby of a large museum. We have a whale skeleton hanging from the ceiling. On a different floor, there is a limited time exhibit on dinosaurs.)

    Woman: *points to large hanging skeleton* “Excuse me, what kind of animal is that?”

    Me: “That’s a whale. It’s one of our prize—”

    Woman: “That can’t be a whale! It has a tail!”

    Me: “Um, I can assure you it’s a whale. Whales have tails.”

    Woman: “Oh, I see. It’s like one of those weird prehistoric shark things?”

    Me: “Well, actually this is an average modern-day whale—”

    Woman: “But this is the dinosaur museum! And it’s got a tail!”

    Me: “Actually, the dinosaur exhibit’s right upstairs.”

    Woman: “Great! Maybe someone up there will be able to tell me what this is.”

    Me: “It’s a whale.”

    Woman: “It has a tail!”

    Getting A Kick Out Of Tourists

    | Australia | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals, Tourists/Travel

    (I am working as a waitress in the middle of a city in Australia. We have a large outdoor dining area.)

    Customer: *in an American accent* “Excuse me, Miss. I’d like to be moved.”

    Me: “As we’re really busy, I’m not sure if we have any spare tables. Is it too hot out here for you?”

    Customer: “No, I just don’t want to get my food stolen.”

    Me: “By… who? Is someone stealing food?”

    Customer: “By the kangaroos! I haven’t seen any today, though. I’ve heard they like to kick you and steal your food.”

    Customer’s Australian Friend: “Dude, I was kidding.”

    Customer: *shocked* “Oh my God, really?”

    Doe Is Dear

    | Washington, DC, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a pet supply store that offers alternative foods for animals with allergies.)

    Customer: “What’s bee-son?”

    Me: “Bison. It’s an alternate protein source, similar to beef.”

    Customer: “But what is it?”

    Me: “It’s also called buffalo. It’ a lot like beef, just leaner.”

    Customer: “But what is it?”

    Me: “They’re kind of like, um, feral cows?”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Moo?”

    Customer: “Well, why didn’t you just say that? And veen-ay-son?”

    (She points to a bag labelled “venison.”)

    Me: “That’s deer.”

    Customer: *more blank staring*

    (I put my hands up on either side of my head like antlers.)

    Me: “Bambi?”

    Customer: “All these fancy names for things. It’s just so you can charge more for it, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. That’s exactly how it works.”

    Delivered In A Dog Day Afternoon

    | Burbank, CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals, Time

    (A customer comes up to my register in the morning, a little bit after opening. The guy who does the ordering is standing next to me.)

    Customer: “I got a call that my dog food was here.”

    Me: “Sure thing. Did you know which food you ordered?”

    Customer: “It’s dog food.”

    Me: “Okay, can you describe the package?

    Customer: “It’s in a can.”

    Me: “Okay, about how long ago did you place the order?”

    Customer: “Two days ago. I was told it would be in seven days from now, but it came in yesterday. Why did it come in yesterday?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We really have no control when the orders come in. It’s up to the distributor.

    (At this poin,t my coworker has found his food and I ring him up.)

    Customer: “I really don’t understand why it would be here so soon when I was told seven days. It’s too soon for this to come in. Why would you say seven days? Oh, and can I get a discount for it being here so soon?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We can’t do that.”

    Customer: “Well, it shouldn’t have been here this soon!”

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