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  • Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Meow Amore Vole Fe Ya

    | Denver, CO, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    Client: “Help, my cat is pregnant and I have no idea what to do now!”

    Coworker: “Alright, do you have any un-neutered male cats in the house, or is she an outdoor cat?”

    Client: “Yes, I have two un-neutered male cats in the house. Does it matter?”

    Coworker: “Well, if you have un-neutered male cats in the house, that is likely how she got pregnant.”

    Client: “That’s impossible. My male cats are gay!”

    Biting Off More Than He Can Chew

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I work at a dinosaur trail, where people can walk through the forest and look at robotic dinosaurs. On this particular day, a guest with one arm comes onto the trail. About half an hour later, he comes back out.)

    Me: “So, did you enjoy the trail?”

    Guest: “I got my arm bit off.”

    Coworker: *without skipping a beat* “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t give refunds.”

    No Species For Feces

    | Omaha, NE, USA | Pets & Animals

    (A couple comes in with a bag holding a few dead Cory catfish.)

    Me: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

    Female Customer: “We have some fish that didn’t make it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have any other fish in the tank these came from?”

    Male Customer: “Yes.”

    Female Customer: “We have a couple of those over there…” *points at the mollies* “…and a few of those…” *points at some tetras* “…and one of those suckers, too.”

    Me: “Are all your other fish doing okay?”

    Male Customer: “Some of those stripy ones died, but they were ate up.”

    Me: “Alright. What size tank do you have then? Twenty gallons? Larger?”

    (The male customer motions with his hands; it’s definitely not a large tank.)

    Me: “It looks like you have a ten gallon or so. How many fish did you say you have in there?”

    Female Customer: “About twenty or so.”

    Me: “And how often do you do water changes?”

    Male Customer: “We put new water in weekly.”

    Me: “How much water do you take out each time?”

    Female Customer: “None. We just add to it when the water evaporates.”

    (At this point, I take the time to explain to them the basics of proper tank maintenance. I also explain to them that their tank is too small for the amount of fish currently being housed inside of it. This takes a few minutes for them to understand, but finally they seem to get it.)

    Me: “If you move to a larger tank, siphon and do water changes your fish will be healthier.”

    Female Customer: “I just don’t understand why we have to clean the gravel.”

    Me: “That is where most of the fish waste gathers. Your filter will not get it all.”

    Female Customer: “But that’s why we bought those things for! To eat all the poop! But they didn’t do anything, and then they died.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Male Customer: “They were supposed to be cleaning fish, but they never cleaned anything.”

    Me: “You bought these fish with the expectation they would eat the other fishes’ waste?”

    Female Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Yes, they are bottom feeders, and yes some people buy them to keep the tank a bit tidier; they’ll eat food that reaches the bottom. However, they don’t eat poop. I don’t believe we sell fish that live off of the waste of other fish.”

    Male Customer: “Well, you should!”

    Time To Tail The Knot

    | Canada | Pets & Animals

    (At the kennel where I’m the receptionist, we offer a discount if two dogs can share the same run.)

    Customer: “Can you tell me your pricing?”

    Me: “Sure, it’s [price] per dog per night, unless you have two dogs who can share a run. You’re just looking for a single?”

    Customer: *completely serious* “Yes, my dog’s not married.”

    You’re Just Ants-ing For Trouble

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (Note: when people start our service, they sometimes see more bugs in the first week because the chemicals agitate them before they die. We usually get a lot of calls from first time customers freaking out about this, so we have recently asked the techs to explain this to customers so we get less calls.)

    Me: “Pest control, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m very concerned. I just started with you and I don’t have any ants.”

    Me: “Well, that’s a good thing. That means its working.”

    Customer: “But I was told I would see more ants after the treatment! I don’t see any! This is horrible!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have our techs tell all our customers that because sometimes they do. If you don’t, that’s okay, too. Actually, that’s a REALLY good thing.”

    Customer: “But I don’t see any ants! I don’t know what to do!”

    Me: “I’m not sure that I can help, because you don’t seem to have a problem.”

    Customer: “I DO have a problem! NO ANTS!”

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