• A Pain In The Nugget
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  • October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Needs To Press Paws

    | NC, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am cashier at a pet store. I see a man walk into the store, pick up a large and expensive coffee table book on show dogs, and get in my line. My manager has warned me, and shown me a picture of this man. He tries to convince cashiers to give him a refund for items he has just stolen. I immediately page my manager, who, unbeknownst to me, is tied up with a minor medical emergency in the back of the store.)

    Thief: “I want to return this item.”

    Me: “Do you have a receipt?”

    Thief: “No.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. Without a receipt, I cannot give you a refund.”

    Thief: “Give me a refund.”

    Me: “Sir, I watched you pick that book up when you came in. I know you did not buy it.”

    Thief: “Give me the f****** money, or I’ll kick your a**.”

    (Most of the customers in my line start backing away.)

    Me: “Sir, I cannot give you any money, and if you leave with that item I will call the police. Please leave the store.”

    Thief: “You little a**-hole!”

    (The thief grabs the front of my shirt, and rears his arm back to punch me. I throw my arms up to shield my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a flash of movement. The next thing I see is a spatter of blood on my counter, and the man out cold on the floor with a bloody nose. My manager, with a paramedic from the earlier emergency, walks up.)

    Manager: “What the heck just happened?”

    (As I tell my story, an assistant manager calls the police, opens another line, and checks out the waiting customers. The paramedic starts checking on the man, who has a clearly broken nose. The man slowly regains consciousness, and points to me.)

    Thief: “She assaulted me! I’m going to sue!”

    (I talk to the police.)

    Me: “He grabbed me, but I never hit him. I don’t know how he got hurt!”

    (The man, a known criminal, is handcuffed and put in the police car. The officers and my manager go to review the security cameras. About ten minutes later, I get called to come back to the office.)

    Manager: “You have got to watch this!”

    (The camera footage clearly shows the man getting the book, getting in line, arguing with me, and then grabbing my shirt. At that moment, the customer in line after him, a tiny, middle-aged Asian woman, leaps up, grabs the hair on the back of his head, slams his face into my counter, and then calmly steps back to where she had been standing. She did it so quickly, that we have to run the footage back on slow to see exactly what she had done. After the thief is out cold, she walks over to the new line that the assistant manager opened, buys her bag of cat food with cash, and leaves without a word. Apparently, the other customers either didn’t see what she did, or decided to keep their mouths shut. We have no idea who she is, and we never see her again. The thief was charged with assault on me, and arrested. Wherever you are lady, thanks! You’re my personal super hero!)

    To Her Question You Say Neigh

    | Perth, WA, Australia | Pets & Animals

    (I work at a motoring and leisure store that sells car accessories and camping gear.)

    Me: “Welcome to [auto store]. How may I help you?

    Caller: “Hi there! I just need some help. I’m after a horse for my daughter and I was wondering if you had any white ones?”

    Me: “…I’m sorry; did you say you wanted a horse?”

    Caller: “Yes, a white one!”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is an auto store; we don’t sell horses, or any animals for that matter.”

    Caller: “Of course you do; you guys are that huge blue store in the complex. I buy bird seed from you every month!”

    (I’m confused, because we are a large blue store, but we certainly don’t sell bird seed.)

    Me: “I can guarantee you we don’t sell bird seed, or horses.”

    Caller: “But you’re the blue store!”

    (I cover the phone and explain her request to my co-worker, who looks very amused. He takes the phone.)

    Coworker: “Hi, ma’am, my coworker has explained your situation to me. I believe you may be talking about [pet and garden supply store]. They are in the same complex, and they are a blue store. I assume that’s where you bought your bird seed from.” *pauses while the caller is talking* “Not a problem, ma’am, but I don’t think they sell horses. In fact they only sell fish, and pet and garden supplies.”

    (He pauses again, and puts the speaker-phone on.)

    Caller: “…and they are going to sell me a HORSE, d*** it!” *click*

    Duh, A Deer

    | Levittown, NY, USA | Pets & Animals, Technology

    (An elderly customer approaches me. She wants a game about duck hunting.)

    Me: “Did you want a game about duck hunting, or buck hunting?”

    (She keeps saying ‘duck’ at first, but then changes her mind.)

    Customer: “Bucks!”

    Me: “Okay, we have this one for $9.99. Did you also want a duck hunting game?”

    Customer: “Great, but what is the difference between duck hunting and buck hunting?”

    Me: “Well, in one game you hunt flying animals, and in the other one you hunt deer.”

    Customer: “Oh! What is the difference between ducks and bucks?”

    Me: “A duck is a bird, and a buck is a male deer.”

    Customer: “Oh, wow! So ducks are those flying animals that you see overhead at amusement parks, and bucks don’t fly at all?”

    Me: “No, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Thank you so much! I’ll be back during this holiday season, just for you! You were so helpful!”

    (She leaves as loud and happy as ever.)

    Me: “Aaaand, I’m clocking out.”

    The Cat Is Out Of The Bag

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (A customer is buying furniture to be delivered and assembled by our tech.)

    Customer: “I have cats, so whoever you send over must not be allergic.”

    Me: “No problem, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Make sure he’s a vegetarian, too.”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “He has to have brown hair, and an earring, but no tattoos. He needs to be good at sports.”

    Me: “I don’t think we can do all that.”

    Customer: “He needs to know a language other than English.”

    Me: “You’re just kidding, right?”

    Customer: “Yes. Just stick with the no cat allergy request.”

    Me: “Alright then.”

    Man’s Best Friend, From Beginning To End

    | Alamogordo, NM, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, Top

    (A family has just had their old golden retriever euthanized, due to a mix of a bad heart and bone cancer. The whole family is pretty despondent, but the youngest, a little boy, is taking it the worst. While the family is waiting for the paperwork to get finished, one of our regulars—a young Air Force lieutenant—walks in. He quickly notices the group, and approaches the desk.)

    Lieutenant: “Did they just have to put someone down?”

    (I nod. The lieutenant sits down right next to the boy, who is near tears.)

    Lieutenant: “You okay, little guy?”

    (The boy nods.)

    Lieutenant: “Did you lose someone you care about?”

    Boy: “Uh huh…”

    Lieutenant: “Do you miss him?”

    Boy: “Uh huh…”

    Lieutenant: “Did you make every day of his life worth living?”

    Boy: “Huh?”

    Lieutenant: “I lost my little brother to cancer a few years back, and it tore me up. Had I done everything I could? What if I had done this or that differently? I just didn’t know, and it ate me up inside. Then they read us his will. It said, “I thank you, all of you, for making what borrowed time on Earth I had worth it, down to the second. That is all I could have asked for; know that should this cancer take me before I pen this will again, I loved each of you like no other family can, and going out with a smile worth smiling is the best way to go”.”

    (The whole family is listening at this point, and the boy is completely enraptured. The lieutenant, lost in his recounting for a moment, looks back at the child.)

    Lieutenant: “So, if you did your best—your VERY BEST—to make every day of his life worth living; I’m sure from wherever he is now, he’s looking back on your time together and smiling.”

    (The boy runs out of his chair, up to the lieutenant, and gives him a hug. He lets loose all the tears he was fighting back. The father tries to remove the child from his iron-gripped hug, but the lieutenant stops him.)

    Lieutenant: *to the father* “It really is no trouble at all…”

    (As for the boy, he eventually the he cried himself to sleep in the lieutenant’s lap.)

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