Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!
(An unshaven dirty-looking man carrying a large sack comes running into the main pet room.)
Man: *shouting* “It’s almost Christmas, motherf***ers! And you know what that means!”
Manager: “Uh, Jesus?”
Man: “It’s time for presents, b****!”
Manager: “Can I, uh…”
Man: “I regret that I have but one bag of bones for the puppies! I regret that I have but one bag of tuna for the kittens! I regret that I have but one life to give to these animals!”
(He drops the bag and runs out.)
Manager: “Well, the bag is full of bones and tuna, but I don’t think I can accept food like this. Please wait just a minute; I have to call my boss.”
Manager: *phone* “Yeah, hi. A crazy man just ran in with a bag of… yeah… and then he said that he regrets… oh, really? Every year? Okay, thanks.”
(He hangs up, tidies up the food, and carries it into the back room.)
Manager: “Apparently that was [local celebrity’s] nephew, and he does that every year.”
(I am a volunteer at an equine rescue center. I am giving a barn tour to a customer’s wife while the manager shows him a horse outside. This morning, we received a stallion and he’s been kept inside until the vet can neuter or ‘geld’ him.)
Me: “And this is [horse name]. He just came in this morning.”
Customer’s Wife: “Oh, he’s pretty! Why isn’t he out with the others?”
Me: “Oh, he’s still a stallion.”
Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*
Me: “He hasn’t been gelded yet.”
Customer’s Wife: “I’m sorry dear, I don’t understand horse language.”
Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*
Me: “He is going to get his boy parts chopped off, ma’am.”
Customer’s Wife: *blushes* “I should go see how my husband is doing…”
(I work at my University’s call center, soliciting donations from alumni. We are required to update alums on school news. I’m describing the new biology building to one alum.)
Alum: “Can I use it?”
Me: “The building? Well, it is mainly for current students and faculty, but you are always welcome for a guided tour.”
Alum: “I want to clone my parrot.”
Me: “Pardon me, what was that?”
Alum: “My parrot. It died. But I saved its body in my freezer. I want to clone it.”
Me: “Ma’am, even if alumni were able to use the building, our facility does not have the equipment necessary to clone your parrot.”
Alum: “No! You don’t understand! It was exceptional; it would stack rings and cups for hours. I want you to clone it.”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m actually a biology major, and I assure you, we cannot clone your parrot.”
Alum: “Well, I’m going to contact the Biology Department. They’ll be more helpful than you are!”
(I’ve always wondered if she did, and if so, what they thought of the request!)
(I am at the airport heading home for Thanksgiving. As I put my laptop back in my bag after security, a present for my dog—who stay with my parents while I’m at college—falls out.)
Other Traveler: “Dear, you dropped your handcuffs. Wait. Are handcuffs allowed? Sir!” *signals a TSA agent* “She has handcuffs!”
(The TSA agent walks over and speaks to me, somewhat confused.)
TSA Agent: “Something about handcuffs?”
Me: *holds up the toy: three connected, tightly woven rings*
TSA Agent: “I see.” *to the other traveler* “Miss, those are not handcuffs, and please don’t call us like that; it could cause a panic.”
Woman: “Oh, so handcuffs are allowed?”
Me: “It’s for my dog. It’s a toy.”
Woman: “Oh, such a kinky thing to call your boyfriend! You naughty thing!”
(The agent and I share looks, but I decide to let her have her idea. Next, I take out the scarf I bought my dog to tie around the rings.)
Woman: “…And a gag too? Lord girl, what will your parents think?!”
TSA Agent: “That she’s giving me a better busy Thanksgiving day at work than I thought!”
Animals! This week, we feature five stories with customers involving animals!
- When Stupid People Attack (4,941 Thumbs Up)
Nothing can go wrong when a bored zoo visitor asks to poke a thousand-pound bear with a stick. Nothing at all!
- Hiss-terical Contest (3,892 Thumbs Up)
If you’re gonna challenge an animal to a staring contest, it’s best to make sure they have eyelids first.
- Goldilocks Is Better Off With The Bears (2,642 Thumbs Up)
These camping parents’ understanding of childcare is nearly un-bear-able!
- Suffering From A Reptile Dysfunction (1,641 Thumbs Up)
“There be dragons” is taken at face value by this conservatory visitor.
- Customer’s A Real Dodo (2,501 Thumbs Up)
Some pet store customers can be dodo-heads when it comes to extinct creatures!
PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!
PS #2: Read more roundups here!