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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Someone Needs To Boof-riend Him

    | Illinois, USA | Language & Words, Pets & Animals

    (A man approaches me while I’m at my register.)

    Customer: “Excuse me; I have a question.”

    Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “What does ‘boof’ mean?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “‘Boof.’ You guys have a bumper sticker that says ‘boof.’”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I have no idea what ‘boof’ means.”

    Customer: “The sticker is just dumb. It says, ‘My dog is my ‘boof.’”

    Me: “Oh! ‘My dog is my BFF!’”

    Customer: “Yeah, that’s what I said.”

    Me: “It’s an abbreviation, sir. It means ‘best friends forever.’”

    Customer: “Well, that’s dumb. How stupid do you have to be to have a dog as your best friend?!”

    Saving The Duke From The Puke

    | West Jefferson, NC, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    Customer: “I’ll have two pounds of mac & cheese, 3 pounds of potato wedges, 2 pounds of boneless wings, and 10 cheese sticks. I also need 4 pounds of cooked ham, sliced on a #2.”

    Me: “Alright! Having a party, huh?”

    Customer: “No, this is for my dog.”

    Me: *taken off-guard* “Oh…” *jokingly* “…well, is he having a party then?”

    Customer:  ”I don’t appreciate your tone!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I was only kidding.”

    (I fill her order in silence. After weighing the potato wedges, she says…)

    Customer: “Can’t you go any faster?! The Duke will surely starve!”

    Me: “I’ll do the best I can, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Well, see that you do! My sweet doggie is hungry!”

    (Meanwhile, a man walks up and begins talking to the customer while I finish her order. This takes about 10 minutes, as I have to cook more chicken. As I turn around from the meat slicer to give her the last bag of sliced ham, I see her walking away with the man. She has left her entire order on the counter.)

    Me: “Ma’am! MA’AM! Your order, ma’am!”

    Customer: “Oh, nevermind, dear! He brought me some dog food from the pet aisle!”

    Me: *speechless*

    (She wasted at least $40 worth of food!)

    Meow Amore Vole Fe Ya

    | Denver, CO, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    Client: “Help, my cat is pregnant and I have no idea what to do now!”

    Coworker: “Alright, do you have any un-neutered male cats in the house, or is she an outdoor cat?”

    Client: “Yes, I have two un-neutered male cats in the house. Does it matter?”

    Coworker: “Well, if you have un-neutered male cats in the house, that is likely how she got pregnant.”

    Client: “That’s impossible. My male cats are gay!”

    Biting Off More Than He Can Chew

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I work at a dinosaur trail, where people can walk through the forest and look at robotic dinosaurs. On this particular day, a guest with one arm comes onto the trail. About half an hour later, he comes back out.)

    Me: “So, did you enjoy the trail?”

    Guest: “I got my arm bit off.”

    Coworker: *without skipping a beat* “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t give refunds.”

    No Species For Feces

    | Omaha, NE, USA | Pets & Animals

    (A couple comes in with a bag holding a few dead Cory catfish.)

    Me: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

    Female Customer: “We have some fish that didn’t make it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have any other fish in the tank these came from?”

    Male Customer: “Yes.”

    Female Customer: “We have a couple of those over there…” *points at the mollies* “…and a few of those…” *points at some tetras* “…and one of those suckers, too.”

    Me: “Are all your other fish doing okay?”

    Male Customer: “Some of those stripy ones died, but they were ate up.”

    Me: “Alright. What size tank do you have then? Twenty gallons? Larger?”

    (The male customer motions with his hands; it’s definitely not a large tank.)

    Me: “It looks like you have a ten gallon or so. How many fish did you say you have in there?”

    Female Customer: “About twenty or so.”

    Me: “And how often do you do water changes?”

    Male Customer: “We put new water in weekly.”

    Me: “How much water do you take out each time?”

    Female Customer: “None. We just add to it when the water evaporates.”

    (At this point, I take the time to explain to them the basics of proper tank maintenance. I also explain to them that their tank is too small for the amount of fish currently being housed inside of it. This takes a few minutes for them to understand, but finally they seem to get it.)

    Me: “If you move to a larger tank, siphon and do water changes your fish will be healthier.”

    Female Customer: “I just don’t understand why we have to clean the gravel.”

    Me: “That is where most of the fish waste gathers. Your filter will not get it all.”

    Female Customer: “But that’s why we bought those things for! To eat all the poop! But they didn’t do anything, and then they died.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Male Customer: “They were supposed to be cleaning fish, but they never cleaned anything.”

    Me: “You bought these fish with the expectation they would eat the other fishes’ waste?”

    Female Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Yes, they are bottom feeders, and yes some people buy them to keep the tank a bit tidier; they’ll eat food that reaches the bottom. However, they don’t eat poop. I don’t believe we sell fish that live off of the waste of other fish.”

    Male Customer: “Well, you should!”

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