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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    My Dog Thinks You’re Nuts

    | Boston, MA, USA | Bigotry, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a dog park, and I get to bring my Great Dane to work with me. Most of my regulars know and love my dog, and he has his own little fan club. My Dane is an obedience champion and has a vast vocabulary of verbal and hand signal commands, including “shake”. However, because of his height, if someone asks him to “shake”, they usually get smacked for their troubles. An unpleasant new visitor to the park begins making disparaging comments.)

    New Visitor: *to me* “Border Collies are a real man’s dog. If you aren’t smart enough for a collie, you get something like that!” *points at my dog*

    Me: “Excuse me, but that’s incredibly rude.”

    New Visitor: “See? What did I tell you? Only a stupid woman would own a stupid dog like that!”

    Regular #1: “Actually, that dog is brilliant.”

    New Visitor: “Whatever. I bet he doesn’t even know how to shake hands.”

    Regular #2: *smiles* “Oh, please try…”

    New Visitor: *to my Great Dane* “Shake!”

    My Great Dane: *smacks him in the crotch*

    Lions And Tigers And Big Box Stores, Oh My

    | North Georgia Mountains, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, School

    (I’m a tour guide for a private college in the North Georgia mountains in a town of 9,000 people. It’s not the biggest city, but it’s the biggest within about 50 miles. A married couple from Atlanta comes to visit the college.)

    Man: *nervously* “How do people typically adjust to living in the middle of nowhere?” 

    Me: “I actually think it’s peaceful here in the mountains, and I’ve never heard anyone say they miss the traffic.”

    (At this point, the couple sees a small green spider on the roof of the golf cart and literally jumps out of the stopped vehicle.)

    Me: “Aw, he won’t hurt y’all.”

    (The man hesitates three times before finally squishing the spider with his handkerchief. He cautiously climbs back in.)

    Woman: “Do you have any… mountain lions here?”

    Me: *in an exaggerated southern drawl* “Ain’t seen many mountain lions ’round these parts, far as I reckon.”

    Man: “What about bears?”

    Woman: “Panthers?”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure the most we have up here is foxes and coyotes.”

    (The woman gasps like she might have a heart attack while the man’s eyes get very wide. I do my best to assure them that these animals are harmless to humans and that they will likely never see on on campus, and continue with the tour.)

    Woman: “How far is civilization from here?”

    Me: “Well, the city is the county seat, and there’s lots to do and see downtown, and plenty of options for shopping and dining.” 

    Man: “Is there a Walmart anywhere near here?”

    Me: “About a 10 minute drive.”

    Couple: *in unison* “HALLELUJAH! CIVILIZATION!”

    Some Owners Need To Be Kept On A Short Leash

    | Arkansas, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I’m a park ranger in a large urban park. The ranger program is new, so people aren’t used to having to follow the rules. One guy in particular is bad about his dog being off leash.)

    Me: “Sir, this is the second time I’ve seen you with your dog at large. Next time, I’m going to write you a ticket.”

    Guy: “This is ridiculous. Where were you two months ago when she was attacked by two dogs?”

    Me: “Sir, if I had been here, I promise I would have done everything I could—”

    Guy: “I mean, you don’t write THEM a ticket! You just come after ME! My dog is perfectly behaved! Being on a leash stresses her out! You should go after the other people!”

    Me: “Sir, were the other dogs off leash?”

    Guy: “Yeah, they were!”

    Me: “So, if they had been on leash, your dog wouldn’t have gotten attacked?”

    Guy: “Yeah, that’s right!”

    Me: “So, would you agree that’s it’s in everyone’s best interest for all dogs to be on leash and under the control of their owners?”

    Guy: “Yeah! I mean, wait… except mine! D*** IT!” *storms off*

    (His dog is now on a leash every time I see him, although he claims she is traumatized by it. The dog? She seems rather nonchalant about the whole thing.)

    A Whale Of A Story

    | Pleasant Hill, CA, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Top

    (My coworker and I have been laughing over a list of dumb laws during a quiet spell at the registers.)

    Me: “Check this out. It’s illegal to hunt whales in Utah.”

    Coworker: “Well, now, that’s not very specific. Is it illegal to hunt FOR them, as in go looking for one, or is it illegal to FIND one and harpoon it? Because, let me tell you, the second one is a lot harder!”

    Me: “Well, if I ever go to Utah, I think I’ll walk up to a cop and ask them where I can go hunting for whales, just to see his reaction.”

    (As we continue joking, a customer overhears us and becomes angry.)

    Customer: “You filthy murderers! How can you think hunting whales is funny?!”

    Me: “I assure you, ma’am, there is little danger of me actually harming a whale in Utah.”

    Customer: “That’s no excuse! You think you could get away with taunting a police officer by openly admitting you were going to commit a crime?”

    Coworker: “Yes… actually, in this case, we probably could.”

    Customer: “HOW?!”

    Coworker: “Well, since whales live in the ocean and there are no oceans in Utah—”

    Customer: “Don’t treat me like I’m stupid! I’m calling the producers of Whale Wars on you! You’ll be shamed in front of the whole nation!” *storms out*

    Her Bark Is As Bad As Her Bite

    , | NSW, Australia | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    (I usually work in the drive-thru of our store.  At least once a day, often twice, a regular customer comes through. We all recognise her car.  She has a chihuahua that sits on her lap that snaps at us whenever we reach near the car.)

    Coworker: “It’s her again. Please, will you hand out her coffee? I’m so scared of that dog!”

    (I walk to the window and hold the regular’s food out, but far enough from her car that the dog can’t get close to me.)

    Me: “Good morning!  Here’s your food, and I’ll just grab your coffee. ”

    (I hold out the coffee, again further away from her car than normal. Suddenly, the dog lunges and almost bites my hand. I accidentally drop the coffee as I jump back, away from her and the dog.)

    Customer: *to her dog* “My poor darling, my baby! Oh, are you okay? Did the mean lady scare you? Did she burn you with the hot coffee?” *to me* “If you burnt my dog, I’ll get your stupid a** fired!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry. I’ll replace your coffee right away, but just a suggestion: perhaps this wouldn’t happen if you sat your dog in the passenger’s seat?”

    Customer: “The nerve you have, thinking you know how to look after my precious little pumpkin! She’s MY dog, not yours! MUMMA KNOWS WHAT’S BEST!”

    (I quickly grab the coffee, and hold it as far away from her and the dog as I can.)

    Customer: *snatches her drink and drives off*

    Coworker: *to me* “Sorry!”


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