Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
    (2,204 thumbs up)
  • Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Went To The Wrong Joint, Part 2

    | CA, USA | Health & Body, Pets & Animals

    (Our clinic has an animal hotel which backs out onto the alley behind. The back entrance is for employees and for taking dogs out for walks, and so only has a small sign to indicate it is an animal clinic. It is otherwise an anonymous-looking building, in an alleyway that looks like several others behind our neighboring strip malls. One such alleyway contains a medical marijuana clinic. It is 8 am on a Sunday. A stranger in his early twenties approaches me as I am taking a dog out for his morning business. I am in my scrubs, and so on the street I am sometimes mistaken for a nurse.)

    Stranger: “Hey, you work here?”

    Me: “Yep, I’m new.”

    Stranger: “Okay, cool. They let you bring your dog to work with you?”

    Me: “No, this is one of our boarders. Can I help you with something?”

    Stranger: “They shouldn’t let you keep dogs in there! What if they ate your stock?”

    Me: “I assure you, the pharmacy is kept well away from them. Did you need something?”

    Stranger: “Yeah, just a dime.”

    Me: *blankly* “I don’t have my wallet with me, I’m sorry.”

    Stranger: *also blankly* “No, I mean… could you let me into the building so I can get it?”

    Me: *thinking he is joking, I laugh* “The clinic is technically closed, sorry. Besides, I don’t think I want you going through my stuff!”

    Stranger: “I don’t get it! My friends said you guys are super helpful! I just want to buy a dime!”

    (At this point, I finally putting the pieces together.)

    Me: “Ah, actually… we aren’t that kind of clinic. That one is the next alley up, but I’m pretty sure they’re closed at this time of day. We’re an animal clinic.”

    Stranger: “S***! Sorry to bother you!”

    (The stranger starts to leave in the direction he came from, but then turns around and goes the way I pointed and laughs.)

    Stranger: “Yeah… I might be a little high.”

    Related:
    Went To The Wrong Joint

    Barking Mad

    | NYC, NY, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (An unshaven dirty-looking man carrying a large sack comes running into the main pet room.)

    Man: *shouting* “It’s almost Christmas, motherf***ers! And you know what that means!”

    Manager: “Uh, Jesus?”

    Man: “It’s time for presents, b****!”

    Manager: “Can I, uh…”

    Man: “I regret that I have but one bag of bones for the puppies! I regret that I have but one bag of tuna for the kittens! I regret that I have but one life to give to these animals!”

    (He drops the bag and runs out.)

    Manager: “Well, the bag is full of bones and tuna, but I don’t think I can accept food like this. Please wait just a minute; I have to call my boss.”

    Manager: *phone* “Yeah, hi. A crazy man just ran in with a bag of… yeah… and then he said that he regrets… oh, really? Every year? Okay, thanks.”

    (He hangs up, tidies up the food, and carries it into the back room.)

    Manager: “Apparently that was [local celebrity's] nephew, and he does that every year.”

    The Hard-Ball Explanation

    | Lexington, KY, USA | Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

    (I am a volunteer at an equine rescue center. I am giving a barn tour to a customer’s wife while the manager shows him a horse outside. This morning, we received a stallion and he’s been kept inside until the vet can neuter or ‘geld’ him.)

    Me: “And this is [horse name]. He just came in this morning.”

    Customer’s Wife: “Oh, he’s pretty! Why isn’t he out with the others?”

    Me: “Oh, he’s still a stallion.”

    Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

    Me: “He hasn’t been gelded yet.”

    Customer’s Wife: “I’m sorry dear, I don’t understand horse language.”

    Me: “Neutered?”

    Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

    Me: “He is going to get his boy parts chopped off, ma’am.”

    Customer’s Wife: *blushes* “I should go see how my husband is doing…”

    Polly Want A Chromosome

    , | USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I work at my University’s call center, soliciting donations from alumni. We are required to update alums on school news. I’m describing the new biology building to one alum.)

    Alum: “Can I use it?”

    Me: “The building? Well, it is mainly for current students and faculty, but you are always welcome for a guided tour.”

    Alum: “I want to clone my parrot.”

    Me: “Pardon me, what was that?”

    Alum: “My parrot. It died. But I saved its body in my freezer. I want to clone it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, even if alumni were able to use the building, our facility does not have the equipment necessary to clone your parrot.”

    Alum: “No! You don’t understand! It was exceptional; it would stack rings and cups for hours. I want you to clone it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m actually a biology major, and I assure you, we cannot clone your parrot.”

    Alum: “Well, I’m going to contact the Biology Department. They’ll be more helpful than you are!”

    (I’ve always wondered if she did, and if so, what they thought of the request!)

    Happy Spanksgiving

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Holidays, Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I am at the airport heading home for Thanksgiving. As I put my laptop back in my bag after security, a present for my dog—who stay with my parents while I’m at college—falls out.)

    Other Traveler: “Dear, you dropped your handcuffs. Wait. Are handcuffs allowed? Sir!” *signals a TSA agent* “She has handcuffs!”

    (The TSA agent walks over and speaks to me, somewhat confused.)

    TSA Agent: “Something about handcuffs?”

    Me: *holds up the toy: three connected, tightly woven rings*

    TSA Agent: “I see.” *to the other traveler* “Miss, those are not handcuffs, and please don’t call us like that; it could cause a panic.”

    Woman: “Oh, so handcuffs are allowed?”

    Me: “It’s for my dog. It’s a toy.”

    Woman: “Oh, such a kinky thing to call your boyfriend! You naughty thing!”

    (The agent and I share looks, but I decide to let her have her idea. Next, I take out the scarf I bought my dog to tie around the rings.)

    Woman: “…And a gag too? Lord girl, what will your parents think?!”

    TSA Agent: “That she’s giving me a better busy Thanksgiving day at work than I thought!”

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