Category: Pets & Animals

Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

The Lowest Form Of Life In The Zoo

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(I work in retail at a zoo. A teenage girl is talking with her friends and looks over at me.)

Teenage Girl: “Do you think the animals come alive at night after the zoo closes?”

The Mother (Nature) Of Stupid Complaints

| GA, USA | Crazy Requests, Hotels & Lodging, Pets & Animals

(I’m a night auditor, and the only staff member on duty. I see that the office phone is being rung from a room that has only just checked in:)

Me: “Front desk. How may I help you?”

Irate Guest: “How dare you rent me this room! There are bugs! Oh, my God! Bugs!”

Me: “I’m so very sorry, ma’am. The exterminator comes regularly to prevent this sort of thing, and we have an excellent housekeeping department, but this being Georgia, and the rooms opening to the outside, sometimes it happens. Would you like to move to a different room, or would you prefer a refund?”

Irate Guest: “Well, a different room won’t do me any good. The bugs are all over the place outside. In the shrubs and around the lights and just everywhere!”

Me: “Wait. You called to complain because there are bugs outdoors?”

Irate Guest: “Yes! I’ve never seen such horrible things in my life!”

Me: “Ma’am, your registration information shows me that you live in Florida. I’ve been to Florida. Y’all have bugs.”

Irate Guest: “I just want a refund.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t give you a refund based on the fact that you think we should remove bugs from the great outdoors. You can talk to the manager in the morning.”

 

(The guest slammed the phone down. Minutes later, I saw her car speed out of the parking lot. I briefed the owner/manager the following morning. We had a good laugh, and an even better one after guest came back to demand her refund.)

Was Dying The First Time

| Hampton, VA, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

(I am working in a call center that takes calls for 800 numbers people see on psychic hotline commercials. The deal is we tell you the cost and then give the actual 900 number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Psychic Line].”

Caller: “Help! I spilled my fish bowl on the bed and my fish is dying! He’s just flopping around! What do I do?”

Me: “Umm… what?”

Caller: “My fish is dying! What do I do?”

Me: “Put him in another bowl?”

Caller: “Thank you! This will save him!” *laughs* “Sorry, man, just thought you might be able to use a laugh tonight.”

Me: “Yeah, always appreciate that. Have a good one.”

(Two calls later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Psychic Line].”

Caller: “Help! I spilled my fish bowl and my fish is dying!”

Me: “Dude, it’s me again.”

Caller: “Oh, hey, isn’t that funny.”

Getting Crazier Organ(ically)

| Willow Grove, PA, USA | Bizarre, Books & Reading, Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

Me: “[Bookstore]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hello, do you have any books about dogs?”

Me: “Yes, we have an extensive section all about pets.”

Caller: “Dog spleens?”

Me: “Um, we have a smaller section of veterinarian books, but—”

Caller: “COOKING dog spleens?”

Me: “Uh…”

(The caller finally broke into laughter in his own voice, revealing himself to be my boyfriend in one of his weird moods.)

Flogging A Dead Animal

| Springfield, MO, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

(As one of the eight fast-food restaurants that is within walking distance to the three college campuses in our town, our joint gets it’s fair share of college kids. And idiots. We are extremely busy on Thanksgiving when this happens.)

Me: *answering the phone as I take a guest’s money* “Happy Thanksgiving! How can I help you?”

Caller: “I want to file a complaint.”

Me: “Oh. Well, sir, our manager is really busy right now making food; can I help you, instead?”

Caller: “I came into your restaurant earlier today, and I got a [Burger] sandwich. I took it home, and tried to eat it, but my dog took it from me, and now he’s dead.”

Me: “Uh…”

Caller: “Well?! I want something done!”

(At this point, I hear sniggering in the background, and realize that this is another prank-call. I fake a laugh, and hang up the phone, getting back to work with our huge queue. Minutes later, the phone rings again.)

Me: “Happy Thanksgiving! How can I help you?”

Same Caller: “Yeah, I have to file a complaint. I came into your store earlier, and I ordered a [Burger] for my cat. When I got home and fed it to her, she died! How are you going to fix this?”

Me: “I’ll get a manager, sir.”

(I hang up the phone instead, and tend to people who are actually PAYING for my attentions. When the phone rings again, and I recognize the number, I ask my manager if I can take the call at the counter instead, just so I can stop running around.)

Caller: “I’m calling to report—”

Me: “Sir, are you calling to report that one of our [Burger]s killed a beloved family animal?”

Same Caller: “Yes. That is exactly why I am calling!”

Me: “Sir, I am so, SO sorry about that. We’ve gotten a lot of calls today about our deadly sandwich, and obviously, that can’t continue.”

Same Caller: “I know. It SUCKS!”

Me: “Sir, please accept our fullest apologies for the agony we have put you through in this mourning. We are prepared to make amends. Do you still have the receipt for the purchase?”

Same Caller: *obviously a little confused by the change in conversation* “Uh… no.”

Me: *cheerily* “Oh, well, that’s okay! You don’t need to have proof of purchase. Tell me, do you still have the bag from your sandwich?”

Same Caller: “Yeah…”

Me: “Good. Now, sir, is the body of the animal nearby?”

Same Caller: “Yes, it’s over there.”

Me: *grinning* “Then sir, I have excellent news! We will be able to help you today! If you can just take the carcass of your deceased pet, pick it up, and place it in the bag, we will be able to accept it as currency at this time.”

(My manager is giving me the death glare, but several of my guests on counter are laughing, so I continue.)

Same Caller: “WHAT?”

Me: “Well, sir, you don’t have a receipt, and we can’t in all good conscience allow you to be miserable over this. So, just this once, if you will bring in the body of your deceased, we will accept it in the form of a receipt, and give you a free [Burger] with our condolences. We hope to see you soon!”

(The guest hung up. My manager, though laughing, told me never to do it again. Needless to say, the jerk didn’t show up.)

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