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  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Get The Name Right Or You’re Going To Have Kittens

    | France | Pets & Animals

    (I’m the stupid customer in this story. I’m phoning a veterinarian for the very first time in my life.)

    Receptionist: “Hello.”

    Me: “Hello. May I have an appointment this week, please?”

    Receptionist: “Why, exactly?”

    Me: “I just adopted a kitten and I’d like to make sure everything’s all right, to know about vaccinations and so on, you see?”

    Receptionist: “All right. What about Wednesday at 10?”

    Me: “That’s okay for me.”

    Receptionist: “What’s the name?”

    Me: “My name or the cat’s name?”

    (I realize I just asked a really stupid question – as if the cat was going to enter and say her name!)

    Receptionist: “Your name.”

    (I really felt stupid…)

    Trying To Ferret Out A Deal

    | AL, USA | Pets & Animals, Transportation

    (I work in a bicycle shop. A man walks in while his wife looks around a bit before joining us.)

    Customer: “Hi, I was looking to get into road biking as a means of commuting to and from work. Do you have any recommendations?”

    Me: “Certainly! If you’re looking for a decently-priced road bike that has comfort built in, I would look at the [Bike]. It’s my personal favorite in the whole shop.”

    (The customer’s wife has just joined us.)

    Customer’s Wife: “Which bike are you looking at?”

    Customer: “He’s showing me [Bike], and it looks really nice.”

    Customer’s Wife: “I’ll let you buy it if you get me another ferret.”

    Customer: “That… that’s actually really tempting.”

    Me: *taken slightly aback* “Another ferret?”

    Customer’s Wife: “Well, sure! We have five right now, three girls and two boys! We need another boy to balance it out.”

    Me: “Sounds logical to me.”

    Customer: *mulls over the idea*

    Customer’s Wife: “Pleeeeaaase?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Do it for the ferret!”

    Customer: “Don’t encourage her. I don’t know…”

    (Seeing this as an opportunity to joke some more with the customer’s wife, I point her over to the cruiser bikes.)

    Me: “And here, ma’am, you should check out these bikes! They come with baskets, so you can take the ferrets with you!”

    Customer’s Wife: “Ooh, yes! We should totally get one!”

    (Cue exasperation from the customer. Sadly, the couple left without a bike.)

    The Parrot Sketch, Part Two

    | CA, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I volunteer at a thrift store that donates it’s money to cancer research. All we sell are donated objects. A middle aged man comes in with a big bird cage filled with five live parrots.)

    Me: “Excuse me, sir! We can’t take live animals.”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s okay. My babies are very well behaved.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it’s really not an option.”

    Customer: *suddenly angry* “Listen a******, you have to take these flying sh**ters, because I’m sick of cleaning up poop!”

    Me: “I’m sorry—”

    Customer: “BE FREE, BIRDS!”

    (He then opened the cage and all the birds flew out. My manager, two other coworkers, and I all scrambled around trying to capture them, sustaining many bites and scratches. By the time we did, two hours later, the man had gone. My manager had to then find a shelter that would take all the animals, and we all had to stay three hours late cleaning up bird crap.)

    In Need Of A Golden Nugget

    , | LA, USA | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    (I’m working the drive-thru window when a customer orders two meals, plus two extra 12-nugget boxes. I don’t think anything of it, as this is fairly normal, but then they drive up. There are two large dogs in the back, where the seats are folded down, and the customer and her husband in the front seats.)

    Me: “That will be [price].” *sees the dogs* “Oh, I love dogs! Yours are gorgeous! Are they Huskies?”

    Customer: “Aw, thank you, honey! Well, one is, and one’s a Malamute.”

    (I have quickly processed the transaction as we chat, and I hand her card back, then her drinks, and then the bags.)

    Me: “They look really well-behaved, too.”

    Customer: “Oh, yes. They were so good at the dog park, we had to come get them a treat. They just love [Restaurant].”

    (As she’s saying this, she hands one nugget box to her husband, they both open them as if on cue, and put them in the back where the dogs gobble them down.)

    Me: *blinks* “Have a good day, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh, we will. Bye!”

    (They drive off, and my coworker and I look at each other.)

    Coworker: “She just spent ten bucks on those dogs… I need that kind of money.”

    Will Have To Take His Query With A Pinch Of Saltwater

    | Tulsa, OK, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I am a manager at a pet store. I notice customer looking at the fish so I greet him.)

    Me: “Hello, can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: “I have a fish tank I set up last week and I’m ready to put a ‘Nemo fish’ in it.” *I assume he means a clown fish*

    Me: “Salt water is always fun. We have a few different species of clown fish as well as other species of fish that can go with them.”

    Customer: “I already picked the others I want.” *walks me over to the platys*

    Me: “You said you have a saltwater set, right?”

    Customer: “That’s right.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but platys are fresh water and unable to live in salt water.”

    Customer: “So they can’t live together?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but no.”

    Customer: “Well, what do I need so they can live together?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir… they can’t. One is freshwater and the other is saltwater.”

    Customer: “But what do I need so I can mix them?”

    Me: “Sir, as I said, they can’t be mixed. It’s biologically impossible to mix them. They need opposite types of water to live, salt or fresh.”

    Customer: “Listen to me, god d*** it! Just tell me what I need to put them in the same tank!”

    Me: “The only way to keep them in the same tank is if you have a tank divider and make one side freshwater and the other side salt water.”

    Customer: “Well I might as well have two tanks then, but I’m not buying another f****** tank. NOW! WHAT DO I NEED TO HAVE BOTH OF THOSE FISH IN THE SAME DAMN TANK!”

    (At this point I’m not sure how I can more accurately explain why this wont work the way he wants. He starts cursing at me to fix his problem and becomes very irate.)

    Me: “Well, sir, you’re going to have to engineer a new fish that can live in both, and if you manage that I’m sure will win some kind of prize.”

    (The tank ended up being a one-gallon desktop tank, although this was not as bad as a customer that got mad because I would not sell them a bearded dragon, a turtle, and a scorpion to all live in the same 10-gallon tank. That one wanted the animals to be friends and said I was stupid when I told her they would kill each other.)

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