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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    The Not So Great Gatsby

    | Redmond, WA, USA | Awesome Customers, Pets & Animals

    (A man sporting a heavy metal t-shirt, torn jeans, facial piercings and green hair approaches my register. As he gets closer I notice he’s cradling a small cat in his arms.)

    Man: “Hey… umm… this is probably going to sound kind of weird but I was just in the parking lot and—”

    (He’s promptly cut off by a shrill scream. We both turn to see a horrified lady charging towards us like a rabid rhino.)

    Lady: “What the h*** are you doing?!”

    Man: “Oh, there you are! Listen—”

    Lady: “Get your filthy meat hooks off my Gatsby! You monster! Let him go!”

    (She violently starts trying to beat the man with her purse. Braving the blows, the man hands the cat over to her.)

    Lady: “Oh, my poor Gatsby! Did the horrible man hurt you? Oh, don’t you worry, I’ll make him pay!” *glaring at me* “You! Call the police right now! And you!” *turns to the punk* “Don’t move! I’m going to see you in jail for trying to kidnap my Gatsby!”

    Man: “Really? Well before you do that ma’am I should warn you that I intend to report you to the SPCA for endangering the life of your pet.”

    Lady: “What?”

    Man: “You left your car window rolled all the way down, and dear Gatsby there climbed out after you went in. I very nearly hit him as he ran out into the parking lot so I thought it only right that I bring him in where he wouldn’t be at risk of getting lost, run over, or kidnapped. Are you saying I should’ve just left him out there where anything could’ve happened, and you thus would most likely have had to go home minus your darling pet?”

    (The lady turns red, drops her shopping, and promptly runs out of the store with her cat.)

    How About A Catpuccino Instead

    | Iowa, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    (I am working at the drive up window at a locally owned coffee shop. Our blended drinks are called “coolers.” A customer in his mid-forties pulls up to the window.)

    Customer: “Do you make your coolers with yogurt or cat?”

    Me: *confused* “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Do you make your coolers with…” *makes a “meow” sound* “…cats or yogurt?”

    Me: “Uh, we use milk or iced coffee depending on how many calories you want in the drink.”

    Customer: “Oh. No thank you.”

    Me: “Can I make you something else then?”

    Customer: “NO! Maybe if you used cats.”

    Me: “Uh…Okay, I’m—”

    Customer: “MEOW!” *drives off quickly*

    When Customers Enc-roach

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    (I am sitting at the table where we require pool patrons to sign in. It is a slow afternoon early in the season, so I have been given permission to read. A patron enters with his young daughter, and I look up.)

    Customer: “I think they’re mating.”

    (Suddenly, the customer throws a pair of cockroaches on my still-open book. I jump back, let the book fall to the floor, and then stare back at him.)

    Customer: *grins* “Wait ’til I find out what you’re REALLY afraid of!”

    Me: *speechless*

    (I quit two weeks later.)

    You’ve Got To Be Kitten Me, Part 2

    | USA | Pets & Animals, Top

    (A young woman comes in to our vet with her fairly large house cat. The cat is upset, so the young woman takes him out of the box and begins cradling him like an infant. The cat seems much happier and is purring so loudly I can hear him several feet away. When the vet calls her, she switches the cat to her hip like a baby and moves to carry him into the office. Suddenly, another customer yells out.)

    Other Customer: “OH MY GOD! I thought you had a baby! You can’t carry a cat like that!”

    Young Woman: *looks at her still purring cat* “He doesn’t seem to mind.”

    Other Customer: “But that’s how you’re supposed to hold babies! You can’t hold a cat how you’re supposed to hold a baby!”

    Vet: “Ma’am, it really isn’t bad to hold him like that as long as it doesn’t upset him. And the cat is purring. He seems quite comfortable, so I don’t see a problem with it.”

    Other Customer: *to everyone else in the lobby* “Someone back me up here. She can’t hold her cat like that!”

    Me: “Why, because you don’t like it?”

    Cat: “Meow?”

    Related:
    You’ve Got To Be Kitten Me

    Of Mice And Mental Regrets

    | Georgia, USA | Pets & Animals, Top

    (I’m helping a customer in the small animals area at our pet store.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like some feeder animals for my snake.”

    Me: “Certainly. Would you like mice or rats?”

    Customer: “I’m not sure.”

    Me: “Well, how big is your snake?”

    Customer: *holds hands a good distance apart* “He’s a ball python… pretty big.”

    Me: “Okay, so maybe a rat…”

    (I show him to our rats. Note that we have small and medium rats in different cages.)

    Customer: “Why are the ones on the bottom more expensive?”

    Me: “They’re just bigger than the ones on top.”

    Customer: “How long until they get that big?”

    Me: “I’m not sure. They’re at least a few months old when we get them.”

    Customer: “No, how long does it take them to grow from those?” *points to the mice*

    Me: “You mean the mice?”

    Customer: “Yeah, how long does it take them to grow into these guys?” *points back to the rats* “Like, what’s the difference between the rats and the mice?”

    Me: “Um, they don’t grow into rats. They’re two different species.”

    Customer: “So these guys aren’t big mice?”

    Me: “No, they’re rats.”

    Customer: “Oh… well, I feel like an idiot.”

    Me: *laughs* “It’s okay. It’s an easy mistake to make.’

    Customer: “…I worked at a pet store for three years.”


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