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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Animal Attraction

    | MO, USA | Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

    (The animal shelter I work at accepts volunteers for work. I am on shift with a volunteer, an attractive lady who is in her 20s. I am male. She is laying on the floor in the office, playing with a puppy while I do some paperwork nearby. The puppy rests his head on her bottom and falls asleep. An elderly patron who often visits the shelter to play with cats walks in.)

    Elderly Patron: “What a cute pup! Look where his head is!”

    (The patron turns to me and grins.)

    Elderly Patron: “Don’t you wish your head was where his is, young man?”

    (I almost choke.)

    Under The Sea Meets Under The Influence

    | FL, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Movies & TV, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I am shopping with my four-year-old daughter. She has just seen ‘The Little Mermaid’ for the first time. She has become obsessed with Sebastian, the singing crab. As we pass by the seafood section, her eyes go wide and she zooms right up to the lobster tank.)

    My Daughter: “Daddy! They have crabs!”

    Me: “Those are lobsters, babygirl. They’re like crabs but different.”

    My Daughter: *crestfallen* “Oh… so they don’t sing?”

    Me: “Nope. Remember what mommy said? Real crabs don’t sing, only pretend ones do.”

    My Daughter: “I still wanna see them!”

    (At this point a seafood counter employee walks up.)

    Employee: “Hey there, little lady. Are you checking out the lobsters?”

    My Daughter: “Uh-huh.”

    Me: “She’s fascinated by sea creatures.”

    Employee: “Is that so?”

    (The employee kneels down to my daughter’s eye level.)

    Employee: “Would you like to see one up close?”

    My Daughter: “Yeah! Can I, daddy?”

    (I nod to the employee, who puts on some rubber gloves and fishes a large lobster out of the tank. He kneels down again and lets my daughter get close to it.)

    Employee: “Now don’t put your fingers near his feet or his mouth, sweetie. You see how he has his pincers here, and his big tail back here?”

    My Daughter: “Cooooooool!”

    Employee: “You want to touch him? Make sure you only touch him on his back, like this.”

    (The employee pats the lobster along its back, just like one would do with a cat or dog. My daughter copies him, giggling about how funny the lobster feels. Suddenly there is a loud shriek from behind us. A middle-aged woman is staring wide-eyed with both hands over her mouth.)

    Woman: “Oh, my God! What are you doing?! Put that horrid thing away!”

    Employee: “I’m sorry?”

    Woman: “You can’t let a little girl touch a gross, ugly thing like that! Get it away!”

    Me: “Ma’am, my daughter is quite responsible with animals. She holds and plays with my wife’s pet gerbils all the time.”

    Woman: “You let her touch RODENTS?! How disgusting! She’s going to get a disease! You should be thrown in prison!”

    (She barrels away at full speed, almost running into two people.)

    My Daughter: “Daddy, is that lady crazy?”

    Me: “I think so, babygirl.”

    The Puerile And The Frog

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (I have a large collection of plants at my workplace, including a terrarium. I hear someone taking the lid off of it. When I look over, there are two customers rooting through it.)

    Me: “Please don’t dig through that.”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “Don’t touch that. Those are all real plants, and that jar is glass. I don’t want it to break.”

    Customer: “Is there a snake in there?”

    Me: “…no.”

    Customer: “D***! A frog?”

    Me: “No. Just plants. Please put the lid back on.”

    Customer: “There should be a frog. I wanted to let it loose in here!”

    When The Dog Is Smarter Than Their Owner

    | MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am outside with a small, but very nervous and dog-aggressive dog. He is new to our kennel, so I am trying to spend some time with him to bond, so he will feel more comfortable with my coworkers and me. He has just let me pet him for the first time all day, which is a huge step forward. A client drives up the driveway and gets out of his car with his Labrador retriever. He begins to open the ‘Employees Only’ gate.)

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but this area is employees only. Also, I’m working with a very nervous dog, which can be dangerous. I don’t want anything to happen to you, your dog, or this dog.”

    Client: “My dog is really friendly. I’m sure they would get along just fine.”

    (The client begins opening the latch to the gate.)

    Me: “Sir, please don’t come in here.”

    (The dog I am working with begins growling and assuming an aggressive stance toward the man’s Lab.)

    Client: “My dog can hold his own against that little thing.”

    Me: “Sorry, but I can’t risk you, myself, or either dog being injured. Please stay on the other side of the gate until I can get this one inside. I’ll help you as soon as I get back.”

    Client: “I’m sure it will be fine. Just let them play!”

    Me: “No. Even if this dog was extremely friendly, there’s at least a 90-pound difference between these two dogs, and I wouldn’t want your dog to accidentally step on this one. Stay right there. I’ll be back in just a minute.”

    (The client opens the gate, and his dog pushes through and charges towards the small dog. I lift up the little dog, which is barking and snapping at the Lab, and trying to squirm out of my arms. He manages to scratch my face from my hairline to my jawline, barely missing my eye. Meanwhile, the Lab is jumping on me, scratching my legs and stomach hard.)

    Me: “SIR. PLEASE GET YOUR DOG OUT OF HERE AND TAKE HIM TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE!”

    Client: “Fine, whatever.”

    (He leashes his dog and moves him while I put the little dog back. He is obviously agitated, growling at me through his fenced in area. I get the owner of the kennel to talk to the client about his behavior.)

    Owner: “My staff told me what happened here. Didn’t she tell you not to let your dog in?”

    Client: “I told her my dog wouldn’t get hurt!”

    Owner: “That isn’t the point! She was doing trust exercises with a nervous new dog! You just undid all of her work!”

    Client: “No, I didn’t! He seemed fine!”

    Me: *to owner* “The dog just growled at me and tried to bite me through the fence. He wasn’t doing that before.”

    Owner: “Oh, my gosh, [My Name]. You’re bleeding everywhere.”

    (I look down and see that the small dog has scratched my arms during the struggle, enough to make me bleed a little, and my legs are starting to bruise and bleed from the Lab jumping on me. However, my face is worse. I see a few drops of blood drop onto my shirt from my forehead.)

    Owner: “I need to get my employee cleaned up. Please take your dog elsewhere. I don’t need any clients who refuse to listen to my employees, who are trained professionals. Please go board your dog elsewhere.”

    Client: “She’s not bleeding that badly! God! I just wanted my dog to play with that dog! If your employee would give him a chance, they’d get along just fine!”

    Owner: “Get your d*** dog out of here before I call the police and every kennel in town, telling them what you did.”

    (After some arguing the client left with his dog. We never saw him again. The scratches on my arms, legs, and stomach weren’t too bad. However, I do have a small scar just below my hairline from the little dog.)

    Not Worming Out Of This One

    | CA, USA | Home Improvement, Pets & Animals

    (I am on the phone with a customer.)

    Customer: “What’s the best soil for my vegetable garden?”

    Me: “[Brand] planting mix is an excellent soil for veggies. It’s all organic, and has chicken manure, kelp meal, and worm castings.”

    Customer: “Worms? Like… worms?”

    Me: “Earthworms, actually. Their castings… worm poop. It’s really good for the soil.”

    Customer: “So the worms would be in my vegetables?”

    Me: “No, it’s just their castings; they’ll be in the soil.”

    Customer: “So when we eat the vegetables will there be worms?”

    Me: “No… no worms, just their poop in the soil.”

    Customer: “Yes, but will the worms be in our vegetables when we eat them?”

    Me: “No… no worms.”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes!”

    Customer: “Ohhhhh kayyyyyyy.” *click!*

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