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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Don’t Feed It Rock, Paper, Scissors Or Spock

    | OR, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Time

    (A customer comes in and explains that her daughter caught a lizard. People frequently come in for advice on their wild-caught animals, so I start explaining what proper care would be. Before this, she expressed general shock at several things, including having to provide heat and light for the lizard she wanted to shut in the dark of her garage.)

    Me: “And so you’ll want to primarily give them crickets and mealworms, occasionally waxworms.”

    Customer: “I see… And are green crickets okay too?”

    Me: “Er, that sounds like a grasshopper. I’m sure it would be fine; I’m not entirely sure how they compare with crickets.”

    Customer: “But if I catch them outside, I can use them?”

    Me: “I wouldn’t recommend it, you’re taking a risk that they could have sprays and toxins on them. Ours are only 10 cents each. I think it—”

    Customer: “So, how do I catch crickets?”

    Me: *pause* “I’m not entirely sure. I don’t know anyone who catches their own crickets from the wild. It would be much easier to just buy them.”

    Customer: “Well, how about if I just feed it dog food?”

    Me: “No. I would definitely not recommend you feed dog food to a lizard. They really should be eating crickets, at least, and mealworms.”

    Customer: “So, how long do they live without food?”

    Me: “Um. I would guess no longer than a week or so.”

    Customer: “So, when should I let it go if I can’t feed it?”

    Me: “If you can’t feed it, I would let it go immediately.”

    Customer: “But I want to try and catch crickets. How long should I wait? Like, when is the lizard’s expiration date?”

    Me: “I wouldn’t go for more than a couple of days without feeding it.”

    Customer: “But when should I let it go?”

    Me: “A couple of days.”

    Customer: “But what date is that?”

    Me: “The 15th.”

    Customer: “So, you’re telling me I can only wait a day, then I have to let it go?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Okay, thank you!”

    Hot Cross Bunny

    | Australia | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    (The store’s co-owner and I are manning the till when a pair of customers arrive. They seem to be a married couple. There is no one else in the store.)

    Woman: “Oh, rabbits! Look at the rabbits. I want a rabbit.”

    Man: “No. You have guinea pigs already. You can’t have both, they’ll fight.”

    (She pouts, and he goes to the rodent aisle, leaving her behind. She stares at the rabbit cage for a few minutes.)

    Woman: “Is this a boy rabbit or a girl rabbit?”

    Me: “That one’s female, but we have another in a different cage which I don’t know the gender of. I can check if you want.”

    Woman: “Oh yes, please!”

    (I get the other rabbit, which is younger and fluffier than the one she was looking at before. The co-owner shows me how to sex it and we establish that it is male.)

    Woman: “He’s so pretty!”

    Me: “Yeah, he’s a cute little fella, isn’t he?”

    Woman: “I’ll take this rabbit!” *she holds out her arms for the rabbit*

    (I think she just wants to cuddle it for a little while, so I show her how to hold it properly and leave her to it. A few minutes later, the man comes back to the cashier and she runs over to him.)

    Man: “You can’t have that rabbit. Put it back.”

    Woman: “No, please! They no fight!”

    Man: “Yes, they will. You can’t have it.”

    Woman: “No, I want it!”

    (She clutches the poor rabbit tightly and buries her nose in its fur, stomping her feet like a child.)

    Man: “Put it back now.”

    (The woman walks away from him, burying her face even deeper into the fur. He trails after her, telling her sternly to put it back while she keeps her back to him, muttering ‘no, no, no’ over and over, eventually running out of the store and into the carpark.)

    Co-owner: “Excuse me, but could you please stay inside the store while handling our animals.”

    (She freezes, allowing the man to catch up and steer her back to the rabbit’s cage, which he opens.)

    Man: “Put it back in there now.”

    (At this point, she notices that we do have a male guinea pig housed in the same cage as the rabbit. It was fighting with the other male pigs, and there where no other cages available. She blows up again.)

    Woman: “See! See! I take this rabbit, they don’t fight! They don’t fight!”

    Man: “I don’t care. Put the bloody rabbit back right now or I will get rid of the guinea pigs and you will never have another pet!”

    (She whines, stomps her foot again, and then dumps the rabbit back into it’s cage while staring accusingly at the man.)

    Man: “There, done.”

    (She wails and stomps, her arms crossed over her chest. He says nothing and she runs to their car. The man then pays for his guinea pig food, and leaves with a look of sheer ‘please, kill me now’ plastered across his face.)

    Me: *to the co-owner* “Letting her hold that rabbit was a bad idea, wasn’t it?”

    Co-owner “Probably.”

    (For any concerned, the rabbit was fine, and it found a sane home later that week.)

    His Story Isn’t Rat-ified

    | Boston, MA, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Hotels & Lodging, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am waiting to check in to a small hotel. When I walk up to the front desk, the concierge is answering the phone. The speaker is loud enough that I can follow most of the conversation.)

    Concierge: “Hello, front desk.”

    Caller: “There’s a squirrel in my room!”

    Concierge: “A squirrel in your room? Please be careful, sir. We’ll send someone along right away to remove it.”

    Caller: “Better hurry, it’s a big one! It opened the window!”

    Concierge: “Sorry, did you say the squirrel was able to open the window?”

    Caller: “Yeah, with its little hands!”

    Concierge: “You should leave your room right now and we’ll send someone along.”

    Concierge: *over the radio* “Security to room [number] to remove a squirrel, please.”

    (I check in. As I do so, the concierge is very flustered and apologetic about the squirrel issue.)

    Security: *radio* “Uh, front desk, this ain’t a squirrel.”

    Concierge: “What? What is it?”

    Security: “A raccoon. And the windows sealed shut.”

    (My spouse works in animal control and I know we’re in an area that has a rabies problem, so I feel the need to speak up.)

    Me: “There’s a rabies risk here, so you should really call animal control.”

    Concierge: “Okay, I’m gonna—”

    Security: “Also, this guy’s drunk as s***, and he’s telling me the raccoon is his pet cat.”

    Concierge: “F*** it. I’m calling the cops.”

    (Luckily, the raccoon was healthy, but the unfortunate hotel guest was deemed drunk, disorderly, and in possession of a local zoo’s stolen raccoon!)

    Thankfully, This Tail’s Ending Is Not Melan-Collie

    | Pembrokeshire, Wales, UK | Pets & Animals

    (I’m a volunteer at a small animal rescue that takes in dogs and cats to be re-homed. A woman brings in a border collie that’s a bit excitable, but otherwise okay. I’m busy walking another dog so I don’t get a chance to meet the woman. I go back to the office and overhear the owner of the rescue and another volunteer talking about the woman.)

    Owner: “She’s moving to Australia, and she wanted us to take the dog.”

    Volunteer: “I suppose that’s fair enough.”

    Owner: “Except she’s taking her other two dogs.”

    Volunteer: “Okay…”

    Owner: “And she wanted to have the border collie put down.”

    Volunteer: “But there’s nothing wrong with the dog! That’s awful!”

    Owner: “I know. I told her that we only put a dog down if it’s incredibly vicious. She then agreed to give the dog to the rescue, but she wanted us to put the dog down if it wasn’t re-homed in a few weeks!”

    Volunteer: “You’re not going to do that, are you?”

    Owner: “Of course not!”

    (Thankfully the border collie is still alive and waiting for a nice, caring new home!)

    A Bona-Fido Idiot

    | NC, USA | Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a dog walker. I’ve focused on an apartment complex near me, and get to know everyone’s dogs very well. The one I have the most trouble with is an Airedale Terrier. He is a biter, and the owner does not allow a muzzle on her dog. Unfortunately, not everyone would heed my warnings about not touching the dog.)

    Man: “Hey, that’s a cute terrier. Can I pet your dog?”

    (In anticipation, I wind the terrier’s leash tighter while keeping an eye on the second dog, which is a mastiff.)

    Me: “Well, sir, he’s not my dog, and I wouldn’t advise petting him as he bites.”

    Man: *stretches his arm towards the dog* “Nonsense, young lady. Terriers are the sweetest things, not like that pit you have there. You really shouldn’t own pits, you know. Crazy dangerous they are.”

    Me: *pulls the dog back* “Sir, that’s a mastiff and neither of these are my dogs. I’m just their walker. Please do not touch the Airedale. He bites.”

    Man: *still tries to pet the dog* “He’s so cute! Look at those little ears and that tail just wagging away!”

    Me: “Sir, for the third time, please do not put your hand near the dog.”

    Man: “Let’s give you a little pat eh-YRROUCH! He bit me!”

    Me: *exasperated* “Yes, sir. He did. Did he break the skin?”

    Man: “Your dog is crazy! You should be arrested for bring a dangerous animal in public!”

    Me: “Sir, I did warn you and for the last time it is not my dog.”

    Man: “What if I was a child?!”

    Me: “You certainly have the logic of one.”


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