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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Man’s Best Friend, From Beginning To End

    | Alamogordo, NM, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, Top

    (A family has just had their old golden retriever euthanized, due to a mix of a bad heart and bone cancer. The whole family is pretty despondent, but the youngest, a little boy, is taking it the worst. While the family is waiting for the paperwork to get finished, one of our regulars—a young Air Force lieutenant—walks in. He quickly notices the group, and approaches the desk.)

    Lieutenant: “Did they just have to put someone down?”

    (I nod. The lieutenant sits down right next to the boy, who is near tears.)

    Lieutenant: “You okay, little guy?”

    (The boy nods.)

    Lieutenant: “Did you lose someone you care about?”

    Boy: “Uh huh…”

    Lieutenant: “Do you miss him?”

    Boy: “Uh huh…”

    Lieutenant: “Did you make every day of his life worth living?”

    Boy: “Huh?”

    Lieutenant: “I lost my little brother to cancer a few years back, and it tore me up. Had I done everything I could? What if I had done this or that differently? I just didn’t know, and it ate me up inside. Then they read us his will. It said, “I thank you, all of you, for making what borrowed time on Earth I had worth it, down to the second. That is all I could have asked for; know that should this cancer take me before I pen this will again, I loved each of you like no other family can, and going out with a smile worth smiling is the best way to go”.”

    (The whole family is listening at this point, and the boy is completely enraptured. The lieutenant, lost in his recounting for a moment, looks back at the child.)

    Lieutenant: “So, if you did your best—your VERY BEST—to make every day of his life worth living; I’m sure from wherever he is now, he’s looking back on your time together and smiling.”

    (The boy runs out of his chair, up to the lieutenant, and gives him a hug. He lets loose all the tears he was fighting back. The father tries to remove the child from his iron-gripped hug, but the lieutenant stops him.)

    Lieutenant: *to the father* “It really is no trouble at all…”

    (As for the boy, he eventually the he cried himself to sleep in the lieutenant’s lap.)

    Acting Like A Dog

    | NC, USA | At The Checkout, Health & Body, Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

    Customer: “You’re a very pretty girl. How old are you?”

    (I get flustered and blush as I finish the paperwork for his dog’s stay.)

    Me: “Uh, thank you, sir. I just, uh, I just turned 21.”

    Customer: “You’re still a little girl! I’ll be 40 this month. You know what that means: prostate exams. Do you know anything about prostate exams?”

    (I am hurriedly finishing the paperwork.)

    Me: “Your total is $235. Thank you for choosing our kennel. I hope Bruiser enjoyed his stay! He’s a sweetie; we would welcome him back anytime.”

    Customer: “You didn’t answer my question. Do you know anything about prostate exams?”

    (He winks at me.)

    Me: “No, sir. I do not. How would you like to pay?”

    (He leans over the counter.)

    Customer: “A pretty little redhead like you? I’m sure you know a lot about a lot of things.”

    Me: “I see you’ve previously used Visa. Would you like for us to charge the same card?”

    Customer: “I’d like for you to answer my question, honey.”

    (A coworker has overheard our interaction came to the front. He is approximately 6’3″ and solid muscle. His hair is also a brighter shade of red than mine.)

    Coworker: “I heard somebody up here likes redheads.”

    Customer: “I was talking to—”

    Coworker: “I know who you were talking to, and if you do not stop talking to her, the only thing that will be up your a** is my foot. Now how would you like to pay, sir?”

    (The customer promptly pays. The kennel owner received complaints about both my coworker and I, but she had also had incredibly creepy interactions with this client. She informed him that his business was no longer welcome.)

    Her Slap Is Worse Than Her Bite

    | Waterford, Ireland | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (An elderly woman approaches me.)

    Customer: “Miss, can you please do me a favour?”

    Me: “Sure thing. How can I help?”

    Customer: “I need you to look after my dog.”

    (I am slightly alarmed, as we are in the fresh meat section.)

    Me: “Is your dog in the shop?”

    Customer: “Of course not! Who brings a dog to a shop?!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry but I can’t mind your dog. As you can see I’m actually working in the store at the moment, so I can’t leave.”

    Customer: “Are you refusing to help me?!”

    Me: “No, miss. I’m afraid I simply can’t leave in the middle of a shift to mind a stranger’s dog.”

    (She proceeds to slap me HARD in the face.)

    Customer: “Why won’t you help me?!”

    (She slaps me on the other cheek, and storms away. I turn to find a queue of customers at customer service, and a coworker looking on in horror.)

    Me: “I need hazard pay for this job.”

    Other Customer: “Holy s***, how did you not slap her back?”

    Me: “Years of practice.”

    Polly Want A Manner, Part 2

    | VA, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I have just entered my vet’s office to pick up medicine for my dog. All is fine until I hear a horrible racket coming from one of the exam rooms. It sounds exactly like a toddler screaming ‘no, no, no, no!’ at the top of his lungs. I’m standing there dumbfounded, but the receptionist and some other customers are laughing.)

    Me: “What’s going on?!”

    Customer #1: “Trust me, you’ll love this.”

    (A few moments later, another woman comes out of the exam room. She has an animal carrier in her hands, and is blushing beet red. The receptionist’s phone rings, and a loud voice comes from the animal carrier.)

    Loud Voice: “Pick up ring ring! Pick up ring ring! PICK UP RING RING!”

    (The woman starts shouting at the people carrier.)

    Woman: “Maggie, quiet!”

    (I look in the carrier and see a very angry parrot staring back.)

    Woman: “I’m so sorry! I just adopted her from a coworker. I had no idea she did that! She hasn’t uttered a single word since I brought her home. And this was just a nail trim!”

    Related:
    Polly Want A Manner

    Sheep Dogs Aren’t Sheepish

    | Prince William County, VA, USA | Pets & Animals

    (A client comes into my program with a very energetic Border Collie puppy.)

    Client: “My puppy is out of control. We live on a farm and needed a dog for our livestock. This is not what I wanted.”

    Me: “Okay, what is your puppy doing?”

    Client: “Chasing my goats and chickens all over the place!”

    Me: “Well this is a Border Collie, and they do herd. If the drive is not properly honed in to a herd, then a Border Collie will just chase.”

    Client: “But, I do not want my dog to chase my animals at all.”

    Me: “Then do not put your dog in with the animals.”

    Client: “But, I need her to protect my animals.”

    Me: “This is not what this breed was developed to do. This is an active, working breed that will chase.”

    Client: “But, I need her to lie quietly and just watch the animals.”

    Me: “It’s not in her breeding. What research did you do into Border Collies before you got one? Every piece of literature on dogs out there will tell you these are active dogs that will chase.”

    Client: “Well, I asked some guy at the local feed store what a good dog for working livestock was. He suggested a few breeds. I saw Babe, so I got a Border Collie.”

    Me: “Did you tell the feed store guy the type of job you wanted a dog to do?”

    Client: “Work livestock.”

    Me: “Work it how? Herding or guarding?”

    (The client just gives me a blank stare.)

    Me: “You have no idea the difference between herding and guarding?”

    Client: “I thought they were the same.”

    Me: “No. Have you had any farm experience?”

    Client: “No, we’re from the city. We thought it would be fun to move to this county and buy a small farm. But, now we have coyotes killing our animals.”

    Me: “So, you have no idea what you are doing at all?”

    Client: “No. It’s not as easy as it looks on TV huh?”

    Me: “No…”

    (Luckily, they did learn more about Border Collies. They got into a suitable sport after doing basic work with me, and I guided them to people who could help them get a proper livestock guarding dog.)


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