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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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  • April Themed Story Giveaway: Creepy Customers!
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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Polly Want A Chromosome

    , | USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I work at my University’s call center, soliciting donations from alumni. We are required to update alums on school news. I’m describing the new biology building to one alum.)

    Alum: “Can I use it?”

    Me: “The building? Well, it is mainly for current students and faculty, but you are always welcome for a guided tour.”

    Alum: “I want to clone my parrot.”

    Me: “Pardon me, what was that?”

    Alum: “My parrot. It died. But I saved its body in my freezer. I want to clone it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, even if alumni were able to use the building, our facility does not have the equipment necessary to clone your parrot.”

    Alum: “No! You don’t understand! It was exceptional; it would stack rings and cups for hours. I want you to clone it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m actually a biology major, and I assure you, we cannot clone your parrot.”

    Alum: “Well, I’m going to contact the Biology Department. They’ll be more helpful than you are!”

    (I’ve always wondered if she did, and if so, what they thought of the request!)

    Happy Spanksgiving

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Holidays, Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque, Themed Giveaway

    (I am at the airport heading home for Thanksgiving. As I put my laptop back in my bag after security, a present for my dog—who stay with my parents while I’m at college—falls out.)

    Other Traveler: “Dear, you dropped your handcuffs. Wait. Are handcuffs allowed? Sir!” *signals a TSA agent* “She has handcuffs!”

    (The TSA agent walks over and speaks to me, somewhat confused.)

    TSA Agent: “Something about handcuffs?”

    Me: *holds up the toy: three connected, tightly woven rings*

    TSA Agent: “I see.” *to the other traveler* “Miss, those are not handcuffs, and please don’t call us like that; it could cause a panic.”

    Woman: “Oh, so handcuffs are allowed?”

    Me: “It’s for my dog. It’s a toy.”

    Woman: “Oh, such a kinky thing to call your boyfriend! You naughty thing!”

    (The agent and I share looks, but I decide to let her have her idea. Next, I take out the scarf I bought my dog to tie around the rings.)

    Woman: “…And a gag too? Lord girl, what will your parents think?!”

    TSA Agent: “That she’s giving me a better busy Thanksgiving day at work than I thought!”

    Weekly Roundup: Animals!

    | Not Always Right | Pets & Animals, Roundups

    Animals! This week, we feature five stories with customers involving animals!

    1. When Stupid People Attack (4,941 Thumbs Up)
      Nothing can go wrong when a bored zoo visitor asks to poke a thousand-pound bear with a stick. Nothing at all!
    2. Hiss-terical Contest (3,892 Thumbs Up)
      If you’re gonna challenge an animal to a staring contest, it’s best to make sure they have eyelids first.
    3. Goldilocks Is Better Off With The Bears (2,642 Thumbs Up)
      These camping parents’ understanding of childcare is nearly un-bear-able!
    4. Suffering From A Reptile Dysfunction (1,641 Thumbs Up)
      “There be dragons” is taken at face value by this conservatory visitor.
    5. Customer’s A Real Dodo (2,501 Thumbs Up)
      Some pet store customers can be dodo-heads when it comes to extinct creatures!

    PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

    Not All Visitors Stink

    | Panama City Beach, FL, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at the snack shack at my local zoo one summer. We have a huge group of middle-school aged kids in the park, and their supervisor has all 75+ of them come to the shack at once for lunch. I have been serving for about forty-five minutes when this happens.)

    Kid #1: “Can I get a water and a hot dog for five dollars?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (I ring him up, take his money, and give him the water. I’ve turned around to get the hotdog and am just coming back when I hear a shriek.)

    Me: “What happened?”

    Kid #1: “I don’t know.” *grabs hot dog and walks off*

    (I try to calm the kids down, and just when they’re in a line again, I smell an powerful odor; it’s obviously what caused the shriek.)

    Me: “Someone set off a stink bomb. One second…”

    (I radio the front so they know, but there are other groups in the park and it’s not an immediate danger, so it’s still just me.)

    Kid #2: “Yeah. I want to know who it is so we can get them later.”

    Me: “Here’s your order. So, someone decided to set off a stink bomb right where you all are getting and eating food?”

    Kid #3: “Pretty much. I want a cheeseburger and a soda.”

    Me: *still serving* “…In a place full of animals with a great sense of smell, like the bears and mandrills behind me?”

    Kid #4: “Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out and beat them up for you!”

    Me: “Oh, that’s sweet.”

    (I keep serving for about another ten minutes when I again hear a shriek; this time, it turns into hysterical screaming. I look and see that one of the parrots has been spooked off his perch, and, for some reason, several kids are screaming since he’s on the ground near them. I grab the radio and tell the keepers, but put up my “Back in Five Minutes” to calm the screaming kids down..)

    Me: *to the screaming kids* “It’s okay. Just back away from the macaw, kids. He’ll be fine; you’ll be fine. Just back up.”

    (The kids do so, and a keeper prepping for the wolf show runs over to put the bird back.)

    Me: “Thanks.”

    Keeper: “No problem. Hang in there…”

    (The keeper has just left when I hear yet another kid yell.)

    Another Kid: “Leave him alone!”

    (I turn to see some kids spooking our white peacock; this other kid, a girl, is trying to protect it.)

    Me: “Oh for the love of… that is the head keeper’s personal favorite animal! Desist!”

    (The kids break up, apparently snickering at my use of the word ‘desist’. I get back into the shack.)

    Kid #6: “Yay, you’re back. Um, a hot pretzel and soda.”

    (After I serve him, I see Kids #2 and #3; they’ve come back with a large group. To my surprise, the kids proceed to empty all the change I’ve given them into the donation jar.)

    Kid #2: “Sorry it’s been so crazy. I swear we’re not all that bad!”

    Don’t Feed It Rock, Paper, Scissors Or Spock

    | OR, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Time

    (A customer comes in and explains that her daughter caught a lizard. People frequently come in for advice on their wild-caught animals, so I start explaining what proper care would be. Before this, she expressed general shock at several things, including having to provide heat and light for the lizard she wanted to shut in the dark of her garage.)

    Me: “And so you’ll want to primarily give them crickets and mealworms, occasionally waxworms.”

    Customer: “I see… And are green crickets okay too?”

    Me: “Er, that sounds like a grasshopper. I’m sure it would be fine; I’m not entirely sure how they compare with crickets.”

    Customer: “But if I catch them outside, I can use them?”

    Me: “I wouldn’t recommend it, you’re taking a risk that they could have sprays and toxins on them. Ours are only 10 cents each. I think it—”

    Customer: “So, how do I catch crickets?”

    Me: *pause* “I’m not entirely sure. I don’t know anyone who catches their own crickets from the wild. It would be much easier to just buy them.”

    Customer: “Well, how about if I just feed it dog food?”

    Me: “No. I would definitely not recommend you feed dog food to a lizard. They really should be eating crickets, at least, and mealworms.”

    Customer: “So, how long do they live without food?”

    Me: “Um. I would guess no longer than a week or so.”

    Customer: “So, when should I let it go if I can’t feed it?”

    Me: “If you can’t feed it, I would let it go immediately.”

    Customer: “But I want to try and catch crickets. How long should I wait? Like, when is the lizard’s expiration date?”

    Me: “I wouldn’t go for more than a couple of days without feeding it.”

    Customer: “But when should I let it go?”

    Me: “A couple of days.”

    Customer: “But what date is that?”

    Me: “The 15th.”

    Customer: “So, you’re telling me I can only wait a day, then I have to let it go?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Okay, thank you!”


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