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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Dead Parrot Sketch

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (I work in a pet store. We offer a variety of animals, including birds.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, could I ask you a question?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Customer: “Do you have any red birds for sale?”

    Me: “I’m afraid that all of the birds we have right now are green and blue, no red ones. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t you just make one red for me, then?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, that’s not something we can do.”

    Customer: “And why not, exactly? I think you’re just being lazy, and I have more than half a mind to call your manager!”

    Me: “You could do that, but he can’t make the birds red either, sorry.”

    (The customer storms off in a huff. She comes back later asking if it is safe to dip a bird in paint.)

    Must Hate Watching Animal Planet

    | GA, USA | At The Checkout, Pets & Animals

    (I’m ringing up a customer buying a bag of dog food, and a small toy. When customers pay by credit card, the screen automatically asks if they want to make a donation to help homeless animals.)

    Me: “Would you like to make a donation to [store charity]?”

    Customer: “No, I hate all animals; this is for a friend.”

    Me: “Okay then. Would you like a bag for that?”

    Customer: “Yes, I hate the environment too.”

    Found Out His Pecking Order

    | Burien, WA, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I work at a store that sells only pet food, no actual live pets, nor have we ever sold live pets. I answer the phone.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pet store]. This is [name]; how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I was in there about a month ago and I bought chicks from you guys. I was told they were all females, but I have two boys! I want to know how you’re going to fix it.”

    Me: “Oh, I am sorry, sir. I am sure you didn’t purchase them here—”

    Customer: “Don’t you dare try to tell me I didn’t buy them from you! You just don’t want to take responsibility for your mistake!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for the misunderstanding here—”

    Customer: “No! There is no misunderstanding! You made a mistake when you sold me these chickens, and now it’s your job to fix it! This is America!”

    Me: “Sir, if you would just let me explain—”

    Customer: “What is there to explain that I didn’t just tell you!?”

    Me: “Sir! If you had listened to me initially, you would know that we did not sell you those chicks. I know that for certain because we do not sell live pets here. I also hate to inform you this, but when purchasing a box of chicks it comes at a certain risk. Sexing chicks at such a young age is incredibly difficult. However if you cannot or do not wish to keep the roosters, most places that sell them will take them back. However in order to fix this situation, you need to contact the people that actually sold you the birds.”

    (The customer suddenly goes all quiet and sheepish.)

    Customer: “This isn’t [other pet store], is it?”

    Me: “No, sir, this is [my pet store].”

    Customer: *click*

    Calm A Barking Customer

    | CA, USA | At The Checkout, Pets & Animals

    (A somewhat disgruntled customer comes up to me, with a service dog in her cart.)

    Me: “Good afternoon! You have a very lovely dog.”

    Customer: *sharply* “Don’t pet him.”

    Me: “Oh, don’t worry. If you don’t want me to, I won’t.”

    (I start scanning her items.)

    Me: “Would you like to add a protection plan to your product for only $5.99?”

    Customer: “Are you kidding me? Fine, I guess.”

    Me: “It is absolutely your decision, ma’am.”

    (As we go through the process, I try to make small talk.)

    Me: “So what is your dog’s name?”

    Customer: “It’s [name]. He gets very nervous around anyone but me.”

    Me: “I completely understand. I’ve got an old dog at home, and he sometimes gets anxious around people when I take him out on walks.”

    (The chit-chat goes on throughout the transaction, with the woman growing considerably less and less grumpy.)

    Me: “Here’s your receipt. Have a wonderful day!”

    Customer: “You know, I’m really sorry if I seemed out of it. It’s been a very rough day, and you were so very understanding of me.”

    Me: “I know what it’s like to have rough days. You take care of yourself!”

    (It takes working in customer service to understand a customer!)

    An Upgrade Is In Her Suite Dreams

    | MI, USA | Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals

    (Our hotel rules state that while pets are not allowed, we make exceptions for service animals. A blind guest checks in with his Seeing Eye dog. I ask my coworker to take care of him, as I have a slight pet allergy. Not more than an hour later, another guest comes rushing towards me at the front desk, gasping and wheezing terribly.)

    Guest: “There…” *gasps* “…is …a f****** dog in the hotel!”

    Me: “Yes, it belongs to a man who’s legally blind.”

    Guest: *coughs* “You said on your website that you don’t allow pets! I demand to be moved! I have severe allergies!” *gasps for breath* “That d*** mutt could kill me!”

    (I’m stumped by this, as the guest in front of me is in a room on the second floor, while we checked the man with the service dog in on a room on the opposite end of the third floor. Nevertheless, she looks to be in a bad state, so I do my best to help.)

    Me: “Well we can certainly do that. I have another single bedroom on the fourth floor, far away from where there’ll be any—”

    Guest: “No!” *coughs* “I want a suite! I deserve a free room at least for having my life endangered like this!”

    (She grabs the desk and dramatically clutches her throat.)

    Guest: “Merciful Jesus…” *gasp* “…can’t f****** breathe!”

    Me: “Ma’am, why don’t you sit down while I call 911. Where in your room do you have your medication, so we can at least give you something to help while we wait?”

    Guest: “Medication? I don’t have any medication.”

    Me: “Your allergies are so severe that you’re suffering an attack, despite not even being on the same floor as the person with the dog. Yet you don’t have anything to help treat your condition?”

    (The guest noticeably stops with all the coughing and gasping, and looks at me.)

    Me: “I myself suffer from pet allergies, albeit minor ones. Even I had to go in the back and take something when that man came to check in with his dog.”

    Guest: “So… you’re not going to give me a free suite?”

    Me: “The only ones currently available are on the third floor. If anything, you’d be exposing yourself to even greater danger by being in closer proximity to the dog.”

    Guest: “God f****** d*** it!”

    (The guest storms out, apparently now feeling much better.)


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