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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Purr-haps She Is A Dog Person

    | Flint, MI, USA | Pets & Animals

    (The store works with an animal rescue agency that comes in on a regular basis for adoption events. A customer is talking to the agency, holding a cat. She grabs me as I walk by.)

    Customer: “Excuse me. I have a question, and I know these nice ladies are really pushing for these cats to be adopted, so I’m afraid they won’t be honest.”

    Me: “Oh, sure. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “This cat… it’s vibrating. Is that supposed to happen?”

    Me: “Yeah, it’s purring. That means it’s happy.”

    It’s A Dog-Gone Fact

    | NM, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (Two techs have food poisoning today, so it is just me, a new girl, and the vet. We are in the middle of surgery when a very well-dressed customer and her blue heeler dog come in.)

    Me: “Hi, I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

    Customer: “Nobody else is here, so you should help me now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am but we are in the middle of surgery and we are short-staffed today. So if you could please take a seat, I will help you when we are finished.”

    Customer: “You are being rude! I am a paying customer!”

    Me: “Okay then, ma’am. What is the problem today?”

    Customer: “My dog is pregnant. I want to know how many puppies there are.”

    Me: “Okay, and what is her name?”

    Customer: “HIS!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “HIS name is Bandit.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but male dogs can’t get pregnant.”

    Customer: “F*** YOU! YOU DONT KNOW S***!” *storms out*

    Me: *sigh* “It’s only 9:30.”

    Not So Smart-Phone Number

    | TX, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals

    (Our store sells rats and mice for feeders. All customers who purchase them have to fill out a short sheet with their name, address, and phone number for our records. Our store reward cards can be found by entering a phone number.)

    Me: “Alright, two male mice and [other item]. If you could please fill this out while I ring you up that would be great.”

    (The customer stares blankly at the piece of paper.)

    Me: *pushes paper closer* “We’ll just need this filled out for the mice for our files.”

    Customer: “What is this?”

    Me: “It’s a form that has to be filled out for all animals we sell; it is company policy.”

    (The customer starts to get huffy.)

    Customer: “I have lived in this area for nine years, and have never had to fill one of these out before!”

    (She starts to fill it out, grumpily, sighing every few seconds, and complains the entire time, saying the policy is stupid and she doesn’t understand. When she reaches the portion where it asks for a phone number should we need to call the customer about the animal, she explodes.)

    Customer: “There is NO F****** WAY I am giving you guys my phone number. This is freaking ridiculous; let me talk to a manager. I have lived here NINE YEARS and have never had to fill this out. This is a retarded policy, and I am not giving you guys my phone number to have on file!”

    (I call a manager up and keep trying to diffuse the situation.)

    Me: “That’s fine, ma’am. You can rightly refuse for the phone number. While we wait for my manager, do you have a rewards card?”

    (The customer looks up at me and prattles off her phone number. I resist face-palming at her.)

    Related:
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 10
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 9
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 8
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 7
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 6
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 5
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 4

    Can’t Put Her Finger On The Problem

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I work at the touch tank at a local aquarium. We invite guests to dip their fingers in and stroke the aquatic life as they swim past, provided they don’t put in more than two fingers at a time so as not to overwhelm the animals.)

    Me: “And over here we have lake sturgeon and blue gill, both native to our own Lake Michigan!”

    Guest: “What are these?” *points to starfish tank*

    Me: “Those are red knobbed starfish, ma’am. They’re native to the Indian Ocean.”

    Guest: “And I can touch them?”

    Me: “Absolutely! We only ask that you use two fingers at a time.”

    (The guest nods and proceeds to stick her thumb and forefinger into the tank, pull the starfish out, shake the water off it, and place it in her purse.)

    Me: “Ma’am! Taking the marine life out of the tank is very dangerous! Please! I’m going to have to ask that you put it back!”

    Guest: “But I wanted to take it home.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s a living creature you have there. We can’t just let people reach in and take out our animals!”

    Guest: “I only used two fingers!”

    Bird Brained, Part 8

    | Reading, England, UK | Crazy Requests, Musical Mayhem, Pets & Animals

    (I work in a small natural remedies shop. A customer comes in just as we are opening. We open early in the morning; birds are literally still singing outside. The customer browses around for a while, looking increasingly more irritated until stalking up to the counter.)

    Customer: “Excuse me?! Aren’t you going to do anything about those d*** birds? They won’t shut up.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry ma’am, but we can’t really do much about the birds; they’re out there singing every morning. Maybe you could come back a little later?”

    Customer: “I can’t come back later; I’ve got s*** to do today! Can’t you put on some music or something?”

    Me: *bemused* “Okay, I’ll see what’s behind the counter.”

    (I go to look through the store’s CDs, and try not to laugh.)

    Customer: *stomps foot* “Well?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; it’s all sounds of nature type stuff.”

    Customer: “So put it on!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s bird noises.”

    Customer: *stares intently* “Put it on.”

    (She continues her shopping in peace and condescendingly asks me ‘isn’t that much better now?’ to the twin cacophony of singing birds in the background. Since then she’s come back every week at the same time, and I make sure I have the sounds of nature on hand when she does.)

    Related:
    Early Bird Brained
    Bird Brained
    Bird Brained, Part 2
    Bird Brained, Part 3
    Bird Brained, Part 4
    Bird Brained, Part 5
    Bird Brained, Part 6
    Bird Brained, Part 7

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